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Do you really believe they should say yes in this situation?
You are a complete stranger, with an agenda. You walk up to a woman completely out of the blue and ask for personal information from her (name) followed by wanting some of her time for your benefit, and have given her nothing in return other than showing up in her face asking questions. She's sizing you up to determine if you're a potential threat to her wellbeing, given that she knows nothing about you.
Along with speaking to a counselor or therapist, you might want to try rejection therapy. Rules - Rejection Therapy A woman I was with at a seminar tried 30 days of rejection therapy. The goal was to get a "no" from someone every day. Two examples she gave were buying a coffee at her local coffee shop and asking if she could serve the next customer, and when she got her hair cut, asking the hairdresser if she could cut her hair in return.
It might sound silly but it's meant to get people used to being told no, so you realize that it is not the end of the world, it's merely a blip on the radar.
That's correct.
As awkward as it is to approach any stranger, asking a female (in the bar/club/lounge setting) for her name and if you can get to know her better makes it much worse. I'm no expert at this, but generally wouldn't ask for a name until later in the chat (if at all).
I agree with the advice about just having a chat and speaking to someone b/c you want to speak to them (not b/c you want to obtain XYZ outcomes). That said, this is easier said than done when you know nothing about her, she may be with friends/drunk, it's loud, crowded, etc. These conversations are generally contrived. That's one of the reasons looks matter so much in an initial public meeting: she has very little else to go by.
I'm going to be honest here - and I've said this before - I don't necessarily think cold approaches are the best way to a relationship. All the guys that I dated were people I worked with, went to school with, or met through friends. Take the pressure off yourself. Just relax and don't think about asking women out or dating. Just get to know people. If there is chemistry there - let it develop on it's own. If you have chemistry with someone, a lot of the time you won't have to ask her out - you'll just end up sort of asking each other out.
But BE NICE to these women - especially if you end up taking them out.
^THIS!!! You got your best answer on day one of your post.
Approach anxiety can't be lost completely. You can only keep it at bay. That's what I've done.
I have news for you, you're right. I've never been able to approach cold and have had many girlfriends and a wife. Unfortunately, I'm not still married, as I HATE trying to date. But I have to try or I'll stay single. I've tried meetup groups (mostly a waste of time), online dating, friends, coworkers, etc. Right now you have age on your side, so just relax and enjoy being young. How I wish I was still young, especially with the knowledge I have now.
Location: "Silicon Valley" (part of San Francisco Bay Area, California, USA)
4,375 posts, read 4,069,460 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Liberty2011
Do you really believe they should say yes in this situation?
You are a complete stranger, with an agenda. You walk up to a woman completely out of the blue and ask for personal information from her (name) followed by wanting some of her time for your benefit, and have given her nothing in return other than showing up in her face asking questions. She's sizing you up to determine if you're a potential threat to her wellbeing, given that she knows nothing about you.
Uh, guys do that successfully all the time. "Successfully" meaning that the woman agrees to do it. Happens in bars/nightclubs all around the world, every night. Has been happening since time immemorial and will probably continue forever. I know this is an old post but I don't know why you would say a woman should never accept a cold approach because that is how most alpha males do it.
Personally I would not do a cold approach because (1) I probably don't feel any romantic interest in them and (2) I want it to develop from a friendship rather than just artificially asking someone to spend time with me.
Not to mention (3), I wouldn't normally be in a bar or nightclub because I don't drink and can't dance and I'm not looking for casual sex. So that eliminates the main reasons people go to those places.
Location: "Silicon Valley" (part of San Francisco Bay Area, California, USA)
4,375 posts, read 4,069,460 times
Reputation: 2158
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dewdroplet76
I'm going to be honest here - and I've said this before - I don't necessarily think cold approaches are the best way to a relationship. All the guys that I dated were people I worked with, went to school with, or met through friends. Take the pressure off yourself. Just relax and don't think about asking women out or dating. Just get to know people. If there is chemistry there - let it develop on it's own. If you have chemistry with someone, a lot of the time you won't have to ask her out - you'll just end up sort of asking each other out.
It's ironic because this is how I want it to happen, yet, other posters claim that it is impossible for this to ever happen. They claim I'm still a virgin because I want it to happen as described above, and they claim it never happens that way except in movies.
It's ironic because this is how I want it to happen, yet, other posters claim that it is impossible for this to ever happen. They claim I'm still a virgin because I want it to happen as described above, and they claim it never happens that way except in movies.
There are many different ways for people to meet each other; some in bars, some in the office, and many other ways. My priority is who I am with and whether or not she is a good fit for me vs. how we met. There's nothing wrong with a cold approach, per se; as others noted, they happen (successfully) quite often. In this case, many of us are recommending that the OP adjust his approach/what he says vs. stopping altogether.
The cold approach is not my strength, but I try to keep the conversation pretty general at first. If a stranger at a bar asked for my name, I'd have no problem giving it out but I wouldn't really ask a girl for her name right away. If you starting chatting to someone and they seem engaged, that's a sign they're enjoying the discussion and indicates that it may be worth asking for a name, contact, etc. I'd keep it light at first.
There are many different ways for people to meet each other; some in bars, some in the office, and many other ways. My priority is who I am with and whether or not she is a good fit for me vs. how we met. There's nothing wrong with a cold approach, per se; as others noted, they happen (successfully) quite often. In this case, many of us are recommending that the OP adjust his approach/what he says vs. stopping altogether.
The cold approach is not my strength, but I try to keep the conversation pretty general at first. If a stranger at a bar asked for my name, I'd have no problem giving it out but I wouldn't really ask a girl for her name right away. If you starting chatting to someone and they seem engaged, that's a sign they're enjoying the discussion and indicates that it may be worth asking for a name, contact, etc. I'd keep it light at first.
Cold approaching is hard for a lot of people and that is the thing, to me if it is not cold then it is not really an approach at all. I define approaching as initiating contact with someone with whom you have never had contact before in any way shape or form, anything other than that is not approaching in my book. Asking someone that you already know out is not an approach to me, that is just an invitation and I think it is easier because youbalready know each other.
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