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For me, they only have to be good-looking enough. You know, handsome to me and so I don't cringe in the morning before coffee.
Jillabean, what was your family like growing up? I ask b/c I could have written your OP except that I broke off the last relationship b/c he was crazy. But my family was pretty dysfunctional, as in emotionally unavailable, and I sometimes wonder if that had anything to do with it.
I think so.
It is obvious when women who come from broken homes choose the bad guys. But often it is also women who come from a functioning household, parents are happily married, but they are a bit distant or cold. I know several women who pick bad guys (including me) who come from an intact family, no drama, no divorces, no abuse.
Whatever is wrong with you must be wrong with me as well! I haven't been on a date in a year and a half. I've been focusing on some other things and like you, really trying to find the reasons why I keep picking guys that don't treat me how I want and/or aren't available for a real relationship. Looking back on all my failed dating attempts, it was always me making the most effort. It was always me trying to keep things moving forward. And the writing was usually on the wall from date one that these guys weren't good candidates for a serious relationship. And still I pushed on, and then got absolutely crushed when however long later things didn't work out and develop how I wanted. At which point I would feel absolutely terrible about myself and think there must be something wrong with me that these guys didn't want to be in a relationship with me. Then I would dust myself off, get back online, and repeat the cycle again with a different guy.
I'm sure I could go back and find out some deeply buried reasons why I am the way I am. I had a marriage that ended pretty horribly too - he left me to marry a coworker who was not a very desirable catch in my opinion. Perhaps it started there and it wasn't so buried after all, and perhaps for you being rejected by a husband who realized he was gay had to be pretty crushing to your self esteem as well. For me, I think I really wanted to feel validated and good enough, so once I latched onto someone I just couldn't let it go. Their aloofness just made me all the more crazy and determined that they would want me because I didn't want to be rejected again. I wanted to prove to myself that someone I set my sights on could want me back too.
I think you should continue your break. Do things just for you - take a trip, decorate your house or apartment, whatever. Take the time to learn how to be okay with being alone and reflect on why you've been choosing the wrong guys and why even after you know they're wrong you can't let them go. I really hope that when I choose to try dating again I'll be stronger and I'll know that if he doesn't initiate dates and I have to constantly wonder why I don't hear from him, that it's not a reflection of me, but that he's just not the right guy and I'll be able to move on and let it go without feeling crushed.
You sound really rational and well put together to me. You just need to re-evaluate how you are choosing guys and set some really firm boundaries for what you are willing to put up with. I decided I would rather be alone forever than deal with any more guys who go MIA, send mixed signals, don't follow through when they say they'll be in touch, and just in general don't make much effort to show me they are interested and care about dating me!
Often you wonder why well put together women, who might be very successful in their career or in all other aspects in their life, are completely incapable to see which guy is good for them and which isn't.
I had alot of conversations about that with some of my friends (who are all like that).
It is obvious when women who come from broken homes choose the bad guys. But often it is also women who come from a functioning household, parents are happily married, but they are a bit distant or cold. I know several women who pick bad guys (including me) who come from an intact family, no drama, no divorces, no abuse.
My therapist told me I married my mother.
Scariest thing is, I remember yelling that at him during the marriage.
Just give it time and date a lot! You might not even know exactly what you want yet. Maybe the actual type of person is one you have not yet came across yet? You may find a man with qualities you adore, that prior to meeting him you may never would have thought twice about.
Try meeting men outside of your norm. No expectations, just go on dates and go from there. I understand you do this already to an extent, just keep moving forward.
I am 25 and I can honestly say I have probably been on 1 on 1 type dates with 200+ women prior to meeting my current girlfriend of about 2 years. There are some things about her I just LOVE that I never would have really thought twice about with other women I have dated. I'm glad I dated as many women as I had just to see opposite ends of every spectrum (although I do somewhat regret sleeping with as many as I have)
Just stop over analyzing and let things play out. I hate to say it, but to an extent, date a few men. Not seriously like "omg boyfriend and girlfriend" but be going out on casual dates. This way, you will be far less obsessing over all the small details of the one guy you're seeing.
Just give it time and date a lot! You might not even know exactly what you want yet. Maybe the actual type of person is one you have not yet came across yet? You may find a man with qualities you adore, that prior to meeting him you may never would have thought twice about.
Try meeting men outside of your norm. No expectations, just go on dates and go from there. I understand you do this already to an extent, just keep moving forward.
I am 25 and I can honestly say I have probably been on 1 on 1 type dates with 200+ women prior to meeting my current girlfriend of about 2 years. There are some things about her I just LOVE that I never would have really thought twice about with other women I have dated. I'm glad I dated as many women as I had just to see opposite ends of every spectrum (although I do somewhat regret sleeping with as many as I have)
Just stop over analyzing and let things play out. I hate to say it, but to an extent, date a few men. Not seriously like "omg boyfriend and girlfriend" but be going out on casual dates. This way, you will be far less obsessing over all the small details of the one guy you're seeing.
wow. You met your current gf when you were 23 and before that dated 200+ women? Who has so much time??
Around here, that's got to be a record that will never be broken.
If it didn't only happen in his mind ...
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