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Go deeper. Get more real. Address the thing she is upset about directly. Use empathy. Have the balls to acknowledge your mistakes. For example, 'It looks like you are really hurting. I am terribly sorry. What can I do to help?'
That's what really works.
Me:"What are you mad about?"
Her:*ignore*
Me:"What are you mad about!?"
Her:*ignore*
Me:"What are you mad about!!?"
Her:*ignore*
etc..
Talking and listening get turned off in guilt trip mode.
I think both men and women can play guilt trips games like that. I wonder what is her side of the story?
She does sound awful if everything you said is true. What are these "little things" you do annoy the hell out of her, maybe you can give some examples here.
I agree that both men and women can play guilt trips. But you read my mind Lily, I too was wondering what little annoyances/ odd habits do you display that might irritate the sh t out of her. If what you are saying is true and you aren't doing things to annoy her, then perhaps you two just aren't on the same page/ meant for each other. However, and this I want to say to anyone. It would be so refreshing if people admit to their own shortcomings when writing posts. I really respect "non perfect" people. And I love it when people admit their own wrong doings in their relationships. It better allows us a more accurate picture of what is taking place in that relationships. We almost always only hear one side to everything. I wonder what she would be saying about you on some anonymous board.
i am very experienced with this problem. i grew up with this ... trapped, without a choice.
my advice: it isn't complicated; just don't capitulate.
I need an example. The guilt trips always involve ignoring. Do I really have to just waste all the fun time we could be having by ignoring her bull**** game until she tires out? What if she never tires out and even more days are wasted game?! It needs a way to be solved immediately so no time is wasted!
So in other words, your SO is controlling and when she doesn't get her way she resorts to emotional abuse to try and force you to capitulate into allowing her to get her way...
Honestly, there may NOT be a way for you to successfully disarm this, depending on how determined she is. Your not her parent, and chances are will not be able to teach her a better way. She is going to have to recognize the behavior, want to change it, be motivated to change it, and willing to put in the work to be successful in changing it.
Going into a days-long silent treatment emotional abuse-fest doesn't sound like any of that.
I need an example. The guilt trips always involve ignoring. Do I really have to just waste all the fun time we could be having by ignoring her bull**** game until she tires out? What if she never tires out and even more days are wasted game?! It needs a way to be solved immediately so no time is wasted!
If it is this god awful, why do you need our advice? If what you are saying is true, then being in a relationship with her sounds FUN/ exciting! I hope you got the sarcasm, because I am pouring it on pretty thick~
The same way you treat a child who always asks for things they do not need or should have.
Do not engage the BAD behavior.
They eventually learn it doesn't work and will deal with you rationally.
I don't know about that.. She just turns ignore-mode on and leaves it on for one or two days essentially wasting them. If I just ignore her back then the loss has still been had. The loss being all the time we could've enjoyed during those two days or so.
I agree that both men and women can play guilt trips. But you read my mind Lily, I too was wondering what little annoyances/ odd habits do you display that might irritate the sh t out of her. If what you are saying is true and you aren't doing things to annoy her, then perhaps you two just aren't on the same page/ meant for each other. However, and this I want to say to anyone. It would be so refreshing if people admit to their own shortcomings when writing posts. I really respect "non perfect" people. And I love it when people admit their own wrong doings in their relationships. It better allows us a more accurate picture of what is taking place in that relationships. We almost always only hear one side to everything. I wonder what she would be saying about you on some anonymous board.
I wonder how many people in relationships really play "guilt trips" games with each other.
The reason why I am asking is because my brother in law always accused my sister of playing guilt trips.
I am very confused about this.
I can see somebody use “guilt-tripping” as a manipulation tactic. This is because neurotic individuals are easily swayed when their guilt button is pushed. So the task for the manipulator is simple: make the other person feel guilty and you’ll be able to have your way with them. On the other hand, when the conscientious person tries to lay guilt upon the disordered character, it has no impact. This is one way to tell if the person you’re in a relationship with is for the most part neurotic or character disordered.
I am not going to say my sister is perfect. She can be very manipulative and controlling at times. She does it with me also. However, when my brother in law chose to date his girlfriends instead of staying home taking care of the kids, why couldn't my sister say something. Often times, she just said "I cannot believe you are such a lousy father." (my brother in law is a good dad, he is just a lousy husband) My brother in law would immediately accuse her of playing guilt trip.
So where exactly do you draw the line when you are in a relationship? How do you express your feelings without being accused of playing guilt trip games?
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