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Good grief, when will any of you learn that they only hang on because you allow them to play these games.
While he is out having a life, dating, moving forward toward his educational and professional dreams you are sitting by the phone waiting for his calls and not moving forward.
YOU are in the rut not him and he knows it because he is the one who put you there and wants to keep you there until he is tired of playing the games.
BLOCK all calls, emails, texts, and tell your sister not to pass along any request to her from him to contact you.
Get away from this guy and move on, it will be best for both of you.
You can actually move forward in your life and he can find a new shiny toy to play these games with.
I hope you don't mind that I looked at your posting history. (Hey, it's a short one!)
Remember this?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ztw
My ex of 8 years left me 8 months ago. he immediately started seeing someone else. As far as I know they are still together. He broke no contact last month first by texting my sister to find me(changed my #).
then before Thanksgiving by emailing me. He said he had a nightmare about me and wanted to make sure that I was okay so that he could sleep. I responded a few days later stupid I know. He responded asking me how I'm doing, a few inside jokes & that was it. I got extremely confused & upset so I turned off my mail entirely.
Fast forward to this month.: today I had to turn my mail back on for business.My ex emailed me 4 times Wednesday at 430am. I did not see them till just now. (he's a musician) he emailed me 4 of his new songs with his new band. Each email had one song & why I would like it. The last one said hope all is well merry Christmas! ..? I'm more angry than anything. I'm so sad & depressed. This is my first Christmas without him in 9 yrs.
So he has done this to you before. He turns to you whenever he feels lonely and has nothing else to do, even when he has a girlfriend.
Oh, no. No, no, no, Ztw. Put this man on the same leaky boat I put my ex on, give it a good shove away from the dock, and let him sink or swim on his own. Don't let him take you down with him.
Look at it this way: This man cannot spend any time in his own head. Maybe there's something in there he doesn't want to deal with, but the bottom line is that he lacks the courage, strength, and maturity to be alone with himself. And not only that, he went right to someone else and used her as a way to try to distract himself from his own grief over the end of your relationship, rather than processing it and coming to terms with it like an adult. He basically buried his pain in someone else's vagina. Selfish much?
Good grief, when will any of you learn that they only hang on because you allow them to play these games.
While he is out having a life, dating, moving forward toward his educational and professional dreams you are sitting by the phone waiting for his calls and not moving forward.
YOU are in the rut not him and he knows it because he is the one who put you there and wants to keep you there until he is tired of playing the games.
BLOCK all calls, emails, texts, and tell your sister not to pass along any request to her from him to contact you.
Get away from this guy and move on, it will be best for both of you.
You can actually move forward in your life and he can find a new shiny toy to play these games with.
Everything is not always so black and white. While many are agreeing with you and saying that he is just looking for sex or doesn't care, I'm not so sure that that is the case. Consider this. Maybe he really is confused. Maybe their time apart was tough for him too. Do women actually think that guys on a whim can lose all feelings that quickly? Even when people leave people, often times there still is very much love there. He obviously cares, otherwise he wouldn't be contacting her at all. I don't think that everyone's alternatives are to "use" somebody. Perhaps, he is saying all of these things is because he is feeling them and is confused. Don't you think if it were sex that is all he wanted, that he couldn't just find that almost anywhere. It seems like it would have to be something more.
Also, perhaps that he has tried to move on but it is hard for him too. I just don't believe that this guy is out there having a great time/ celebrating/ hooking up with everything in sight and yet still in all that "happiness" still somehow want to contact the ex, whom he has no real feelings for. I just don't buy that. How evil/ cruel would that be? He was with her eight years. I don't think he is being this way on purpose. I don't think his true intentions are to completely suck her back in just to toss her at whim. I'm not saying that this won't or couldn't or even hasn't happened. Anything is possible! Perhaps the op' is doing all these grimy things, in that case she only has one option but to walk away, unless she has no self esteem . But give the op' the benefit of the doubt that she knows this mans character a little better than us. She was with him eight years, not three months. He's invested all that time in their relationship too. It wasn't just eight years for her.
Having said all that. Confused or not, he still for the sake of the op's significant others psyche'/ mental state needs to let her know exactly what he wants. It wouldn't hurt if the op' then lets him know if or what will work for her. Whatever it is that they need to discuss. If he's not willing to give the op' what she wants, then the op' will or should just have to go full no contact from here on out so that she can get over him.
Last edited by supermanpansy; 05-06-2014 at 10:10 AM..
Everything is not always so black and white. While many are agreeing with you and saying that he is just looking for sex or doesn't care, I'm not so sure that that is the case. Consider this. Maybe he really is confused. Maybe their time apart was tough for him too. Do women actually think that guys on a whim can lose all feelings that quickly? Even when people leave people, often times there still is very much love there. He obviously cares, otherwise he wouldn't be contacting her at all. I don't think that everyone's alternatives are to "use" somebody. Perhaps, he is saying all of these things is because he is feeling them and is confused. Don't you think if it were sex that is all he wanted, that he couldn't just find that almost anywhere. It seems like it would have to be something more.
Also, perhaps that he has tried to move on but it is hard for him too. I just don't believe that this guy is out there having a great time/ celebrating/ hooking up with everything in sight and yet still in all that "happiness" still somehow want to contact the ex, whom he has no real feelings for. I just don't buy that. How evil/ cruel would that be? He was with her eight years. I don't think he is being this way on purpose. I don't think his true intentions are to completely suck her back in just to toss her at whim. I'm not saying that this won't or couldn't or even hasn't happened. Anything is possible! Perhaps the op' is doing all these grimy things, in that case she only has one option but to walk away, unless she has no self esteem . But give the op' the benefit of the doubt that she knows this mans character a little better than us. She was with him eight years, not three months. He's invested all that time in their relationship too. It wasn't just eight years for her.
Having said all that. Confused or not, he still for the sake of the op's significant others psyche'/ mental state needs to let her know exactly what he wants. It wouldn't hurt if the op' then lets him know if or what will work for her. Whatever it was they need to discuss. If he's not willing to give the op' what she wants, then the op' will or should just have to go full no contact from here on out so that she can get over him.
Oh, you're right, my friend. Unless one is a sociopath, one cannot just walk away from a relationship of that length and not feel anything. I'm not saying there has to be agony, but one would have to be really defective not to hurt on some level. My ex-SO will tell you himself that he can be pretty callous, but I know he's hurting. I've seen a photo of him with the new woman, and quite frankly, he looked beat up and worse for wear. I almost didn't recognize him.
It's how one handles the hurt that makes the difference. Right now, the OP's ex is putting his own needs (comfort and familiarity, maybe sex) before hers (peace, space to heal). That is not a loving thing to do. Sure, we're only human, but he really does sound a lot like my ex, in that he's being selfish and not considering how his actions could be hurting her. That goes twice over because she has told him that they do. He's not respecting her boundaries.
And maybe he is cruel. Maybe he's a sociopath, an emotional abuser, and a master manipulator. Like you say, we don't know the OP's ex like she does. But based on what she has presented to us, I would not be surprised if he is. Notice how when he contacts her, he sends her things having to do with himself, like his songs? And then he tells her how to feel about them. He tells her she will like them.
I don't know that he sees her as a person. I think he may see her as a possession that is "his" to yes, use, when he needs to, whether it's as a distraction at 4:00 a.m., or someone who can communicate with him in English while he is in Spain. And he's narcissistic enough to assume that she will respond.
She needs to think of what she is getting from him in return. If all she's getting is pain, and every time she interacts with him, it leaves her feeling bad in some way, she needs to enforce her boundaries and keep him away.
Oh, you're right, my friend. Unless one is a sociopath, one cannot just walk away from a relationship of that length and not feel anything. I'm not saying there has to be agony, but one would have to be really defective not to hurt on some level. My ex-SO will tell you himself that he can be pretty callous, but I know he's hurting. I've seen a photo of him with the new woman, and quite frankly, he looked beat up and worse for wear. I almost didn't recognize him.
It's how one handles the hurt that makes the difference. Right now, the OP's ex is putting his own needs (comfort and familiarity, maybe sex) before hers (peace, space to heal). That is not a loving thing to do. Sure, we're only human, but he really does sound a lot like my ex, in that he's being selfish and not considering how his actions could be hurting her. That goes twice over because she has told him that they do. He's not respecting her boundaries.
And maybe he is cruel. Maybe he's a sociopath, an emotional abuser, and a master manipulator. Like you say, we don't know the OP's ex like she does. But based on what she has presented to us, I would not be surprised if he is. Notice how when he contacts her, he sends her things having to do with himself, like his songs? And then he tells her how to feel about them. He tells her she will like them.
I don't know that he sees her as a person. I think he may see her as a possession that is "his" to yes, use, when he needs to, whether it's as a distraction at 4:00 a.m., or someone who can communicate with him in English while he is in Spain. And he's narcissistic enough to assume that she will respond.
She needs to think of what she is getting from him in return. If all she's getting is pain, and every time she interacts with him, it leaves her feeling bad in some way, she needs to enforce her boundaries and keep him away.
I agree. I can't even dispute any of your points. You've made all good points. I was in a way referring to those points without the full elaboration. And I agree, it does show a lot about his psyche'/ what kind of person he is if he is doing all this willingly or knowingly that it is hurting her like that. In that case, he is what everyone says he is. However, we really don't know do we? We're just getting one "perceptive" main view on it. The op's. The op' "could" be wrong. Feelings are not always true. Perhaps he has tried to move on but has found it to be very difficult. I guess I just like to see/ view things from almost every angle. It's easy to do that when you are not caught up in it yourself. If what the op' says is completely true and she has that good of a read into what his mindset it, then yes obviously walk away. The guy's a douche. However, we don't always know what others are thinking. This is what creates many problems for many people.
Last edited by supermanpansy; 05-06-2014 at 10:15 AM..
He may not understand why you can't be close friends, but you do. It hurts you. That right there is all you need to know.
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I agree. I can't even dispute any of your points. You've made all good points. I was in a way referring to those points without the full elaboration. And I agree, it does show a lot about his psyche'/ what kind of person he is if he is doing all this willingly or knowingly that it is hurting her like that. In that case, he is what everyone says he is. However, we really don't know do we? We're just getting one "perceptive" main view on it. The op's. The op' "could" be wrong. Feelings are not always true. Perhaps he has tried to move on but has found it to be very difficult. I guess I just like to see/ view things from almost every angle. It's easy to do that when you are not caught up in it yourself. If what the op' says is completely true and she has that good of a read into what his mindset it, then yes obviously walk away. The guys a douche. However, we don't always know what others are thinking. This is what creates many problems for many people.
I have to go by actions. She told him she can't be friends with him because it hurts her. She has backed that action up by never being the one to break contact. So both her words and her actions match, and they should be sending the message "go away."
And yet he keeps coming back telling her he wants to be friends.
That is not a man who listens. I doubt he's even hearing her at all.
If he was hearing her, and he loves her in any way at all, he would swallow his pride and leave the fate and control of his interactions with her up to her, with the full understanding that he might never hear from her again. Heck, she wouldn't have to resort to blocking him. She'd need only to tell him.
The only thing she is doing wrong is letting him back in when he comes around. That is teaching him that no matter how much time passes, he has access if he wants it. For them to ever be friends, she needs to be the one to make the overture toward it, and it has to come from a place where she really can be just his friend. She may never be at that place. But if he cares about her at all, and respects what they had together, he will leave her be to make that determination on her own.
I have to go by actions. She told him she can't be friends with him because it hurts her. She has backed that action up by never being the one to break contact. So both her words and her actions match, and they should be sending the message "go away."
And yet he keeps coming back telling her he wants to be friends.
That is not a man who listens. I doubt he's even hearing her at all.
If he was hearing her, and he loves her in any way at all, he would swallow his pride and leave the fate and control of his interactions with her up to her, with the full understanding that he might never hear from her again.
The only thing she is doing wrong is letting him back in when he comes around. That is teaching him that no matter how much time passes, he has access if he wants it. For them to ever be friends, she needs to be the one to make the overture toward it, and it has to come from a place where she really can be just his friend. She may never be at that place. But if he cares about her at all, and respects what they had together, he will leave her be to make that determination on her own.
You're right, that was said. If he can't give her what she needs, bottom line is she must walk away still loving him or not.
It's not a man who listens, but you also have to remember people don't always act "accordingly" when emotions are involved. It is what it is. Otherwise, we would all break up perfectly.
If he was hearing her and he can't give her what she wants, you are right, he needs to leave her alone so that she can move on. However, and this is a slim however. Perhaps, he really is that confused. I'm sure he wouldn't be the first to feel this way. We've all second guessed ourselves in life. I know that I sure have. People are human and therefore, they aren't always sure themselves. In this case, he needs to leave her alone until he does know what he wants. I think he is doing what he is doing, because perhaps he feels like she might actually move on. Which could very well be true. It's still not fair to her and very selfish, but desperate people do desperate things. And he sure seems desperate! About what, possibly not knowing what the F he wants in life! Which if you are on the other end is surely not tolerable for a healthy relationship.
You might be right, being unsure and treating her this way is tarnishing what they once had. Having said that, what does it matter in the long run anyway? If they don't make it in the end, how he minimized what they might have once had isn't going to matter to either one them when "father time" sits in. It only matters now.
I totally agree with your last underlined sentence from your last paragraph. It's making it too easy on him. She is telling him he can have her whenever he wants her. This gives her absolutely no leverage or control. But she's doing that to herself.
Last edited by supermanpansy; 05-06-2014 at 10:37 AM..
Answer the following on a piece of paper, then look at your answers and be the judge:
1- why did he break up with you first time around?
2- Is he the only one busy with school and having a relationship?
3- Does he want to have a serious relationship with you now?
4- Do you want a relationship? or a f-body?
5- are you going to let him string you along longer than he already has?
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