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I have been dating him for almost 9 months, things are going well. He loves me, I met his parents, we got along etc. He is talking about mooing in, future, etc. I can feel his love in his words and actions. BUT A few days ago, I saw his old facebook messages with one of the girls he dated. he wrote to her "you are an amazing girl, I would pick you over any girl that I have seen. I hope you find your mr.right." This message was sent before he met me, so I can convince myself this is ok.
My guess is that the girl is not interested in him, but then they stay as friends and chat with each other about their dating experience. Then he met me. After we went on a couple of dates, He wrote to her saying "she ( which is me) is great, blah blah (many nice words), she has almost all the things that I'm looking for, but she is not outdoorsy. Its something that I really like about you. Doing outdoor activities is very important to me, I want to climb up the mountains and cuddle and enjoy the view. she is just not that girl, but she is everything else. No one is perfect, of course except you, I will see how things go with her......
Reading that, My heart sank. I feel like I am his second choice, I feel very very sad, I feel he doesn't accept who I am. I mean I like to be active, I just don't usually go on 10 hours hikes.
After this, they continued messaging each other once a while, then he mentioned to her that things are going well between him and me, etc. The most recent message was about 4 months ago.
I don't know if I should break up with him or I should pretend it didn't happen since it is in the past, and back then he didn't know me well. But I have this strong emotion that makes me feel really bad about myself and feel I am less worthy. I hate that I have to compare myself with other women, the right relationship shouldn't make me feel that way. But what if it is me being a bit too overthinking and petty?
Any advice or thoughts are great appreciated, please.
Last edited by Thatislife; 05-15-2014 at 10:24 PM..
My advice is talk to him about it. Ask him how he feels, and bring up what you saw. That may open a can of worms, as he'll think it's snooping. But, relationships have fights.
If you feel this strongly, ask him about his feelings, where you stand and if you're just a alternative to him not getting the 1st girl he wanted. And also try to avoid looking through a lover's old stuff because there's always risks of hiding things you don't want to know.
Sometimes people come 2nd. But it's not a bad thing. It just means they came second. I read a story like that. Using A, B, and C for names.
A and B were together for the longest, like 10 yrs, but A wanted a change, and felt B wasn't putting his all into the relationship and holding back. , So, A left B, for C. In the end, A and B do get back together, but B dies. He started dating C again, and they loved each other, but outright said C would never replace B, and that's not what he'd want.
But, C understood, and he has a perfect relationship with A.
So, sometimes you don't always get to be someone's 1st love--and a first love is special because it was your first. So, there's always that feelings. But doesn't have to mean you don't love the person you're with now.
So, if you think he's just settling for you, try not to worry too much yet. You met his family. If he was just taking what he could get, he probably would make up alot of excuses and dragging his feet in the relationship to keep options open for the other girl, or any other girls. He seems to be serious with you, rather than stringing you along. And you had no doubts until you found old info. But the mind is like that. You're fine until you hear the bad news, now you're miserable.
Like people who find they have cancer. Before they were great and lived to the fullest. Now that they know they have an issue, they are ready to die any second, even though they were living fine before.
I think he should break up with you for snooping in his Facebook.
I know, I am really sorry for doing that. He stayed logged in facebook, I thought he had nothing to hide or wouldn't mind it much. But Nevertheless I admit I was wrong to check his messages in the first place.
I heard something interesting the other day.
It pertains to married couples, not gf/bf, but it was about Facebook.
How you should always make an attempt to advertise the solidarity of your relationship on there. Put the married icon on and put pictures of the two of you together, etc.
And hell, why not have a combined page for the two of you if your *true* motive behind having a page is to keep up with far-flung friends and relatives.
I like having my own page, but the MARRIED box is checked right up top.
Anyway, you shouldn't snoop on people's pages, but now you have the information. We can't tell you whether or not to break up with someone, but I can tell you that 9 months is not long enough for me to invest in someone who made me as uncomfortable as you seem to be.
My advice is talk to him about it. Ask him how he feels, and bring up what you saw. That may open a can of worms, as he'll think it's snooping. But, relationships have fights.
If you feel this strongly, ask him about his feelings, where you stand and if you're just a alternative to him not getting the 1st girl he wanted. And also try to avoid looking through a lover's old stuff because there's always risks of hiding things you don't want to know.
Sometimes people come 2nd. But it's not a bad thing. It just means they came second. I read a story like that. Using A, B, and C for names.
A and B were together for the longest, like 10 yrs, but A wanted a change, and felt B wasn't putting his all into the relationship and holding back. , So, A left B, for C. In the end, A and B do get back together, but B dies. He started dating C again, and they loved each other, but outright said C would never replace B, and that's not what he'd want.
But, C understood, and he has a perfect relationship with A.
So, sometimes you don't always get to be someone's 1st love--and a first love is special because it was your first. So, there's always that feelings. But doesn't have to mean you don't love the person you're with now.
So, if you think he's just settling for you, try not to worry too much yet. You met his family. If he was just taking what he could get, he probably would make up alot of excuses and dragging his feet in the relationship to keep options open for the other girl, or any other girls. He seems to be serious with you, rather than stringing you along. And you had no doubts until you found old info. But the mind is like that. You're fine until you hear the bad news, now you're miserable.
Like people who find they have cancer. Before they were great and lived to the fullest. Now that they know they have an issue, they are ready to die any second, even though they were living fine before.
So, I advise talking it out first.
Thank you so much for taking the time to analyze the my case and you made some really great points. I did talk to him without telling him about facebook snooping. We were talking about our past relationships, so I asked him if he had any regrets about his past dates or wish he could get to know any girl that he dated better. He said no, he said I am the best, and he feel he is lucky to have me. He actually mentioned about that girl, he said she was too sarcastic, it would not work out between them, etc. I don't know what to believe, is he telling the truth? If so why would he wrote sth like that to her?
He wrote that "no one is perfect except her". How would he know she is perfect? Maybe it's just a strong feeling he felt for her. They didn't date long. Would he always wonder what would it be like with her? Should I give him the chance to explore that with her? Maybe I should go find my mr right who thinks I'm perfect.
Oh, please grow up. So he had a life before you. Now he has a life with you. But if you want to screw it up for no good reason, then go right ahead.
Honestly, immature little girls have no business being in romantic relationships.
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