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Don't feel bad, many more people than you think have been taken in by these kinds of people...which, btw, has a name:
PSYCHOPATH!
We're NOT talking ax murders or torturing Nazi prison camp guards! We're talking about someone who has a total and complete lack of ability to feel empathy or sympathy for others.
I can talk for ages about this one, but it's enough to say that ...as crazy as it sounds, most psychopaths are actually fairly popular people. I reccommend any work by Dr. Robert Hare on this subject (he created the Psychopathy Checklist in the 80s, plus wrote the following: Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths Among Us
He has a few other works listed, but for immediate relationships, I reccommend the website takebackyourheart.com. Admittedly, she promotes a book or something or another, but her list of traits of really horrid people I also find really good.
As I implied, the Charmer/Abuser (aka psychopath, of the nonviolent sort) is not just found in relationships. In 2002, he also made waves when he suggested that Enron and WorldCom collapsed because of Corporate Psychopaths (http://www.abc.net.au/rn/talks/bbing/stories/s1265568.htm - broken link), so its easy even for top corporate executives to be taken in as well. (that link is LONG, a transcript of a 2-hour radio program, but it's the best out there I've seen on this subject)
Another of Hare's books, co-authored by industrial psychologist Paul Babiak Snakes in Suits: When Psychopaths Go To Work a bit more academic and dry, but it's a very recent work (2006).
There's NO REASON to absolutely freak out and get paranoid, but even so, it's good to keep your guard up around anyone you don't know or haven't known for more than a few years. The more you know, the better you'll be able to protect yourself from the Charmer/Abuser.
[quote=Seaharbour;2232163]How You Become Prey to a Charmer/Abuser
First, I would like you to know that when I say "abuser" in the above title, I may not be talking about obvious abuse, as in, physical violence or yelling and screaming. Passive/aggressive abuse can be just as deadly and is actually more used by people who are more advanced in the arena of........"charm"...... as I will speak of it here.
Obviously, we want to know how we ever get caught up in a spiderweb in the first place. If we were conscious of what we were doing, we would not be doing it. Or at least, a great number of us would not be doing it. This personality that I refer to as charmer/abusive will be called the C.A. throughout the rest of this writing
So true...and these types are great liars, which is how they deceive us. Thanks for this post.
I agree about the part about giving out our intimate details of our life, about any past bad relationships, and not being too trusting upfront. Because when we do just that, we tell them how to play the game. We have given them the rules, and now, they know just what to do to manipulate us.
Sounds like what my brother did to my sister in law. She escaped though. She packed up her stuff and left one day when he wasnt home. My brother is a charmer,con artist, manipulator, and a pathological liar. Im ashamed that he is my brother. Good info to pass along to people.
I wrote and posted this article "How Do You Become Prey to a Charmer/Abuser" many years ago now. Glad to see it still helps people. I love Dr. Robert Hare's work. Very brilliant man. People of the Lie is also a very good book by Dr. Scott Peck. Yes, there are psychopaths among us and the one thing they use on us more than any other weapon - is we keep thinking they are somehow "like us". They are the complete opposite of people who have empathy. Their brain is literally wired differently.
"I, Psychopath" is a good documentary....very revealing. There is alot of information out there about how a psychopath's brain works, doesn't work, etc. Hollywood has successfully misinformed us they are few in number. Nothing could be farther from the truth. They are all around you, people you work with, your friends, family members, etc. The very best ones are at the top of the food chain in very nice suits as Dr. Hare so expertly points out in his book - Snakes in Suits.
We don't need to be their victims, their martyrs, their priests, their mothers, their dog to kick, their robot slaves, their place to put a cigarette out on. We can be smarter than that. It's time we did. it takes more energy and costs you more personally to be a slave than it does to be authentic. Knowledge is power. It's there. Find it and use it. More times than not we teach people how to treat us. Now is always a good time to flip the tables.
Last edited by DareToThink; 10-31-2012 at 12:37 AM..
Reason: spelling
What's important is developing your intuition so you can spot out these fakes from a mile away.
Most people want to give the benefit of the doubt, and that's totally okay.
Easiest way to spot a charming con artist is to take it slow. See how much they lie through their teeth. You can actually feel it. They slowly reveal their true colors by the discrepancies in the little things they say and do.
Don't doubt your hunches and feelings about people. When something seems too good to be true, watch out.
I'd also be careful with someone who wants to paint a pretty perfect picture. You can tell when someone's predatorial by just the mere fact that they try to 'get game' by smooth talking, acting charming, and super fake. The fake part you'll have to figure out with time, spotting out contradictions and seeing how they treat others.
Well, it was a very long read, and one with no glasses, burning eyes, and before 6am. Reading it was almost haunting and if I wasn't in the place I am in now, it would be rather painful.
This same exact thing happened to me after being in an emotionally abusive marriage. These days, I always say that he was worse than my ex husband. He was of a much higher intellect and in the beginning, there was nothing better than him in the world.
No one could tell me anything. He treated me like the princess my ex husband never treated me as. He took me places I had never seen. We were on an ultimate adventure. We moved on very quickly and soon I was not working at my job and I left my life to be in his.
Master manipulator. I could go on forever. I have a list of red flags that I found after I left him. After I left him, he drew me back in through his kids. Both times I left were very harsh and painful. Physical.
Again. No one could tell me anything. Not even my family. I had to learn it on my own. This whole reading probably wouldn't have helped me. Looking back it is very clear, but living it, very cloudy.
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They are plentiful. 