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A recent situation happened that caused me to rethink my stance on sex. I'm not sure if I'm being realistic or if the men I'm dating just happen to be a-holes. But essentially a guy sort of called me out on my "stance" of waiting until I'm exclusive before I do anything physical(beyond kissing) with a man as well as that I need lots of time before I have sex anyway. I won't get into the details of what went on, but basically he expressed that he respected that about me, and thought it was great that I had that much control, but that he did not and basically even though he liked me and wanted to get to know me, etc he did not think he would realistically be able to wait that long and that he wouldn't be able to commit without knowing what the sex would be like, etc. Anyway I wasn't angry with him, since this has happened a lot , but afterwards I talked to a friend about it and she told me that it was outdated and that she doesn't even understand why I have this stance. Her opinion was that I'm always telling her that I'm horny and sexually frustrated and yet I keep putting myself in situations where I make it difficult for myself to have sex let alone secure anything exclusive with a man that is interested in me. I disagreed with her, but know that there are a lot of people(especially men) who think along those lines.
In books like Steve Harvey "think like a man, act like a lady", and "The rules"-it's often emphasized that you shouldn't be so quick to have sex with a man without commitment, etc. And yet, reality, it seems different(at least amongst the men I've met in my age group. All of my friends, have been in and out of relationships no matter how quickly they've had sex, and sure of them regret certain men they gave it to too quickly, but for the most part they are content. I don't know if I would be content with having sex with a man that I wasn't semi-committed too. On the other hand, I am sexually frustrated sometimes, and I know that realistically there are a good amount of men that won't commit to a woman before having sex with her. The thing is, there is a part of me that still believes that I can meet a guy that will really really like me enough to wait until I'm ready, and to commit to me before we have sex. Is this line of thinking unrealistic or outdated?
Honestly, yes. So many women have casual sex that it causes men to DQ them if they're forced to wait. No one is saying you should put out on date 1, but don't expect a man to stick around if you're going to make him wait until exclusivity.
Anticipation is wonderful and you do have control of how you keep the vibe going. Do you let your boyfriend know how much fun it would be to have sex?
Do you have a good spirit and attitude about sex without having it? Do you tell your boy how you want to? I think waiting can add a layer of intimacy but I wouldn't like being served cold soup.
It is only outdated if you believe what others tell you.
You must make the choice for yourself how to live your life and if you are not ready nor willing to have sex before you are comfortable then it is not outdated and not required.
Quit listening to others and make the choices that are right for you but quit complaining about sexual frustration in the same breath.
You cannot have both of these areas satisfied at the same time. You either want to wait or you want to quit being sexually frustrated, choose one and deal with your choice.
You need to be honest with yourself and do what you feel is best for you. If that means trying to build a relationship to a certain point before you feel ready for sex, then do it. Just because some guys won't want to wait doesn't mean all won't.
Honestly, the right person for you will truly respect your choice and stick with you without pressuring you to give up on your desires in this regard.
A recent situation happened that caused me to rethink my stance on sex. I'm not sure if I'm being realistic or if the men I'm dating just happen to be a-holes. But essentially a guy sort of called me out on my "stance" of waiting until I'm exclusive before I do anything physical(beyond kissing) with a man as well as that I need lots of time before I have sex anyway. I won't get into the details of what went on, but basically he expressed that he respected that about me, and thought it was great that I had that much control, but that he did not and basically even though he liked me and wanted to get to know me, etc he did not think he would realistically be able to wait that long and that he wouldn't be able to commit without knowing what the sex would be like, etc.
This is a ploy. The guy was being manipulative. "He didn't think he would realistically be able to wait that long"? How does he know how long it would be? And he can't commit without checking out the sex first? How convenient for him.
The guy's a douche. He's not your type. Don't give it another thought.
Well I wouldn't necessarily have a lot of casual sex. But more along the lines of, if I've known a guy for more than a month or so, and I'm sexually attracted to him, and we both like each other and want to have sex with each other, despite this, is it silly of me to tell him that he needs to be my boyfriend first or that I need "more time"--even when I found myself entertaining the thought of just going for it anyway. Sometimes I find it very difficult to stick to my guns about it, but I do, despite not really even knowing if it's what I want to do(in certain situations). But I convince myself that it is the only way to protect myself from getting hurt or used. So I suppose that is my main reason for doing it.
But I'm glad to hear that there are still men though that would be understanding of my stance and would stick with me despite it. For the record I don't ever see myself having a ONS, or having sex on a second or third date. It just isn't me, but it's those situations, where I've been on a few dates, or have known a guy a good amount of time that I start to find it difficult to want to stick to my morals, and yet I stick with them anyway.
Well I wouldn't necessarily have a lot of casual sex. But more along the lines of, if I've known a guy for more than a month or so, and I'm sexually attracted to him, and we both like each other and want to have sex with each other, despite this, is it silly of me to tell him that he needs to be my boyfriend first or that I need "more time"--even when I found myself entertaining the thought of just going for it anyway. Sometimes I find it very difficult to stick to my guns about it, but I do, despite not really even knowing if it's what I want to do(in certain situations). But I convince myself that it is the only way to protect myself from getting hurt or used. So I suppose that is my main reason for doing it.
This is a ploy. The guy was being manipulative. "He didn't think he would realistically be able to wait that long"? How does he know how long it would be? And he can't commit without checking out the sex first? How convenient for him.
The guy's a douche. He's not your type. Don't give it another thought.
Oh I agree. It's not even necessarily about him, my friend sort of agreed with him(she did, but she didn't), it's more about whether or not I could potentially "lose" out on someone that might be great for me due to me having this stance. But then again, one could argue, that if they were great for me they would respect my stance and abide by it, right?
A lot of men (myself included) will not committed without having sex first. But that's just me. Its part of my process in trying to find sexual compatibility, amongst other things.
Don't get me wrong, Ill wait, but if shes taking too much time to feel comfortable, then we are just not compatible.
You can wait 1 week, or 6months, neither in which will guarantee you wont end up getting hurt or used.
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, but afterwards I talked to a friend about it and she told me that it was outdated and that she doesn't even understand why I have this stance. Her opinion was that I'm always telling her that I'm horny and sexually frustrated and yet I keep putting myself in situations where I make it difficult for myself to have sex let alone secure anything exclusive with a man that is interested in me. I disagreed with her, but know that there are a lot of people(especially men) who think along those lines.
