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A bro of mine who is pretty attractive guy, has just gotten out of a relationship and isn't interested in anything serious right now. The few times we hung out women haven basically done everything short of lifting their skirts for him and even with me and a few others encouraging him to go for it he has acted very strange about it. And has acted like he does not want to. He says it's crazy to just have sex with every woman that throws it at him and that he's more cautious than that. So I just assumed he was selective about sex but that he was still getting it in like most of the guys I know.
I went out for happy hour with him yesterday and admitted that I am not interested in a relationship either but that I am sexually frustrated
and it sucks since I don't believe in casual sex. He seemed understanding of it. And it wasn't a huge deal. Later that night he texted me and asked me to be his fwb.
I'm guessing that his mindset is that if he wants safe sex, but without the commitment of a relationship an fwb would probably be a good idea for him. And since I'm in the same boart he might have thought I would be down. But I feel offended that he asked me to be in one with him.
I always felt like a guy asking you to be an fwb is sort of like saying your good enough to be friends with and bang but not good enough to commit to.
Don't get me wrong i don't want commitment right now and I know that he has wanted to have sex with me(lately he's been more thirsty toward me than usual constantly telling me we should date, telling me he thinks I like him even though I don't, making sexual comments sporadically ) but I feel slightly disrespected that I would be put in that category.
He had already told me prior to asking me this that he's had fwb before and they never end well because the women have end up developing feelings for him. So why ask me for this type of arrangement anyway, knowing that the outcome would most likely hurt me? It just seems very selfish. It also seems like, he like my two other guy friends, just want to bang me and most likely was never really my friend but just trying to get in my pants.
Has anyone ever been asked this before by someone you thought was a friend? Did it offend you? Make you feel like you weren't good enough? Or perhaps like they really don't care about your well-being or value the solidity of the friendship? Am I overreacting?
I'm serious. Your posts indicate that you have some really mixed-up, contradictory feelings about sex that you should resolve before you interact with any male.
I'm serious. Your posts indicate that you have some really mixed-up, contradictory feelings about sex that you should resolve before you interact with any male.
I have, for when my mom died but not about sex.
But how is me being offended by being asked to be an fwb have anything to do with sexual issues? I feel bad that I was asked that, it made me feel like I'm not good enough for anything beyond sex. Don't get me wrong I know I have issues with sex but I don't understand how feeling offended about being asked to be a bang buddy is an issue.
It seems like you are living in this paradox of being a grown, single woman (who DOES have a child and should be careful in choosing partners) who SHOULD be having sex with a loving partner and WANTS that but cannot get it immediately and in fact holds it over potential mates as some unattainable prize
HOWEVER ...
As a result you want sex very much but won't just have it when it's offered because of your unfulfilled dream of a loving sexual relationshp. Conflicting desires: Love vs. lust
Here are my thoughts:
You should not be offended. You should ask yourself what did you think would happen when you told this bro that you wish you were having sex.
You can be mad and block him from your phone etc etc.
But you really set yourself up for this.
As you know, FWB is not actually a thing that works. It gets talked about a LOT in our culture today, so that makes it SEEM like it's an OK thing to ask someone. For people who have a more conservative outlook, like you, it IS offensive.
So you don't have to go through all the drama of blocking him etc. Just don't go down that path with him next time. SET BOUNDARIES and then live with them. If he makes comments and you KNOW you aren't falling for it, tell him so.
And don't go on about how sexually frustrated you are. That's not fair either.
It seems like you are living in this paradox of being a grown, single woman (who DOES have a child and should be careful in choosing partners) who SHOULD be having sex with a loving partner and WANTS that but cannot get it immediately and in fact holds it over potential mates as some unattainable prize
HOWEVER ...
As a result you want sex very much but won't just have it when it's offered because of your unfulfilled dream of a loving sexual relationshp. Conflicting desires: Love vs. lust
Here are my thoughts:
You should not be offended. You should ask yourself what did you think would happen when you told this bro that you wish you were having sex.
I have a child yes and I am careful. I have only had sex with my child's father. It's been two years since. So I am selective. And I told this guy this not as directly as I did in this post but we were taking about something and it came up. It was maybe a 2 minute conversation about it and we hung out for a few hours. A couple of other people were there too and they had brought it up--one was a female who said it had been a year since she got some and I only chimed in. It wasn't like I was just saying it out of nowhere.
Also want to add it was a small get together with 2 other people and it wasn't like I was having an intimate conversation with him about it.
I don't want a relationship right now because they are too much work. But I do want sex. I mean it's been like 2 years. But if I were to have it I want it in a situation that didnt feel degrading like an fwb.
Sounds to me like he picked up on your own expresion of recent sexual frustration, and being someone he is comfortable with as a friend who is also in the same position he decided to offer a fwb situation.
Since the two of you sound like solid friends who long ago abandoned the notion of any kind of committed relationship, I do not see why a FWB offer would be offensive. If a committed relationship was in the cards for the two of you, then you would already be in it and you especially seem to have recognized this. (You have admitted he has hinted at dating).
So, either roll with it for some fun, or respectfully say thanks but no thanks. No reason to take a burn.
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