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My parents were married for close to 17 years. I was just entering my teen years when my father passed away unexpectedly. My experience growing up and seeing how they interacted is limited but I do recall that their relationship was not the best. He didn't treat her with much respect and the "woman" had her place in the house though he also expected her to work outside of the home too. He was overly sexual and she was clueless about sex and I mean clueless. They both grew up outside the U.S. and heritage played a huge role in how things panned out. I will add, my mother had 3 men to choose from to marry and picked my dad. The rest is history.
I think about my past relationships and of course hindsight is 20/20. I dealt with unhealthy relationships more often then I would like to admit as a teen and into my early 20's. Then as I got into my mid 20's and past, the good ones I found reason to leave, including my marriage. Fear of abandonment was a big factor that I can see now. I've been to therapy so I am much more aware of how I dealt with relationships in the past. On my Ex's behalf, his parents were married for 30+ years and had alcoholic tendencies and argued in the "normal" sense of what I have seen in relationships. Though that did cause my EX to avoid arguments at all costs which didn't work either and yes, he drank more then I care for. Those functional alcoholics are a hard bunch to handle.
I look at my current b/f and see how this affects him. His parents just celebrated 50 years of marriage. It is amazing that they are still married and neither is in jail or dead. They fight light cats and dogs and I am told what I have seen is nothing compared to what my b/f lived through growing up. He is not the marrying type of guy, doesn't think of it, never has, never will, ain't going to happen. I wonder if it's his upbringing that has caused him to think the way he has? He isn't changing his mind and I am not trying to change it. Just making an observation and I spend very little time with his family. Who needs that kind of drama? Not me.
One of my best friends is the youngest of ten kids. His parents were married for 65+ years and have since both passed. They had a typical old fashioned marriage, woman raised the kids, man worked and they were pretty close knit family with a faith based home. Out of the 10 kids, three divorced and not by their choosing, one never married (I think she is a lesbian but because of the religious beliefs, won't "come out") and the others are all in marriages that are happy and fulfilling.
Has your parents relationship hurt, helped, hindered your relationships? Are we predisposed to attract what is ingrained in our brains from childhood regardless of therapy, life experiences and so forth?
p.s. I will say that I do believe all families have some level of dysfunction to them, the extent is what causes the most damage.
My case is a bit different. My parents didn't have a bad marriage, but they've scarred me through their actions. The biggest action being their treatment of my gay brother, who committed suicide in the summer of 2009. I haven't spoken to them since July 2009, nor have my grandparents. I actually felt like my relationships were more fulfilling prior to my brother's death.
My case is a bit different. My parents didn't have a bad marriage, but they've scarred me through their actions. The biggest action being their treatment of my gay brother, who committed suicide in the summer of 2009. I haven't spoken to them since July 2009, nor have my grandparents. I actually felt like my relationships were more fulfilling prior to my brother's death.
J.P. that's so sad and my sympathies to you on the loss of your brother. Actions are words in motion and do damage.
It's a shame some people cannot accept others for who they are.
My parents relationship and divorce made me never want to get married.
From some of your replies on threads here, it's no surprise you aren't for marriage. It's also a shame that your parent's relationship influences how you live your life today.
Last edited by photogal9; 05-20-2014 at 10:29 AM..
My parents are good--or normal. But my father is a drunk, and that makes me not want to date men that drink, unless it's a social event, and even then, I will have low tolerance the 1st time he gets drunk. Drinking =/= drunk after all.
Otherwise, everything else, I just assume is the nature of their relationship. They aren't very lovey dovey, I don't think they have sex often, and possibly anymore for that matter, they don't celebrate an anniversary, go out on dates. They say they love, and it shows when serious things come up. But overall, they aren't love-birds.
I don't want the kind of relationship they have, as I do want more affection. BUT, everyone is different, and different people make for different relationships. So, their relationship hasn't soured me on relationships or marriage.
Probably, just not in anyway I am consciously aware.
Nothing very immediate strikes me anyways.
Both my parents are pretty awesome people, I don't really have any drastic issues stemming from them that would make me divert my life in a different direction.
I'm even a *gasp* child of divorce.
It wasn't bitter, it wasn't heated they just grew apart and dealt with life as it came.
My parents are good--or normal. But my father is a drunk, and that makes me not want to date men that drink, unless it's a social event, and even then, I will have low tolerance the 1st time he gets drunk. Drinking =/= drunk after all.
Otherwise, everything else, I just assume is the nature of their relationship. They aren't very lovey dovey, I don't think they have sex often, and possibly anymore for that matter, they don't celebrate an anniversary, go out on dates. They say they love, and it shows when serious things come up. But overall, they aren't love-birds.
I don't want the kind of relationship they have, as I do want more affection. BUT, everyone is different, and different people make for different relationships. So, their relationship hasn't soured me on relationships or marriage.
VC- I totally get it on the drinking thing. Totally! It's awful. Good to read that the rest of their relationship hasn't soured you and what you want out of a relationship for yourself. That's the point of this thread
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