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Location: I don't know..If you find me, let me know.
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Those are well thought our and reasoned arguments. Only you can really decide what is best for you and your future. I would say one thing and take it or leave it based on your preference - it is only my observation / opinion. The first thing you say is "I love everything about her". Later in your post you do say, "I truly love her". But I'm stuck on do you love everything about her? She is comfortable, easy (you don't argue), supportive etc. Or do you love her? I think if you loved her, you wouldn't have doubts.
These are very tough decisions. I don't envy you. Love is a very precious and rare thing. But at the same time so is having children of you own.
I see myself in the dilemma that you are in. I get the most interest from men in your age range, rather than men in my own older age range, and this is the exact kind of dilemma I foresee coming up for them, and that makes me hesitate.
If you want to have a biological child and are not ready yet, staying with this woman is not going to improve your odds of that happening. Her window is all but closed.
However, a lot of what you write are your own issues, your self-limiting and manufactured fears.
Why does the fact that some of your relatives moved back to Brazil after 30 years have any bearing on you? What motivated you to move to the US in the first place?
Every single person on this planet lives daily without knowledge of the future. You are not unique in this regard. You make good and healthy choices for yourself in the moment, and hopefully with an eye and a plan for the future, but you don't know if you'll be run over by a bus at lunchtime today. Living in fear of the unknown, and of things that have not happened and may not happen, is not a way to live.
You can truly love someone but it doesn't mean you're meant to be with that person. What does freedom and adventure look like to you? Life doesn't end if you're married, but your post sounds like you don't want that type of commitment yet. You can't force something to fit your life when that's not where your heart is.
All I can say is women can & do have healthy babies in their late 40's & even 50's.
Nothing is impossible
If you let her go, you may not have this level of love with anyone else....
It's a rare thing
Why don't you talk to her about what you both REALLY want? Just because she's in her 40s it doesn't mean that she's ready for the rocking chair. Its time for you to have an honest discussion with her about your concerns and hers as well.
I know a lovely couple in which the woman is in her 40s and the husband in his early 30s. The wife is very active, physically fit and full of life. She also looks much younger than her age so I'm sure most do not know that she is in her 40s.
I going thru a relationship that has become very complicated due to the age difference between my girlfriend and me. I am writing this because I find myself really lost and don’t really know what to do. I would really appreciate your sincere opinion on this. I will try to be as short as possible and objective here:
I am 29 years old, moved to US in 2009 and met this wonderful woman, 43 years old, divorced with one child. We have been together for 5 years and I love everything about her. She is smart, kind and charming, supportive, amazing partner (we never even had a single fight), etc… She has been my foundation during all this time in US. We live separate and see each other 1-3 times per week.
She loves me in a similar way, but our future together relies on me. I will explain why.
We face 3 problems:
1. Her biological clock
It meanly comes down to a baby. I would love to be a father of my own biological child (at the right time), but we only have a little tiny time here, if any at all.
I am definitely not ready to have a child at this stage of my life. I don’t think it would be right to force myself into this just for the sake of love and be irrational about the whole thing. If things don’t work out in the future, then we would have make our lives way harder.
She is totally okay with having one or not as she already has a 11 years-old-girl (which we get along particularly well, but her teenage phase is coming along with harmony change.. you know where I am going with this.)
2. Homesick
I am an immigrant from Brazil and she is American. I have a good career here and visit my family/friends at least once a year. However, some of my relatives lived in US for aprox. 30 years until eventually they couldn't no longer wait to move back to Brazil. Some got their lives in a bit of a mess and time took a lot from them. So I am afraid that the same fear knocks my door ultimately or that I can find myself in the same way (regretful).
3. Insecurity and fear of marrying her.
I am not talking about the typical men’s fear of commitment, because I truly love her.
It is because I can’t predict what is going to happen with regards to the above problems. I am afraid of changing my mind in the future and ending up messing her life at this stage. Let us remember that she is running with less time than I do. If things go south and we breakup, I would have wasted her time, which she could have spent trying to find someone more compatible. To prevent her from finding someone that could really be with her in a truly lasting relationship because of my insecurities is selfish.
-
The 30s is knocking my door, but I still feeling the desire of freedom and adventure. However, is it really worth trading off a person that completes me so much for that desire?
I feel like a coward that is trying to settle life, afraid of seeing the truth right in front of me because I fear the unknown, being alone and never find someone so special like her.
At the same time I also feel that a person so special like her that completes me so much is very, very hard to find. Our love is just sincere and strong (we never had a single fight in 5 years for example). So I ask myself what I have to gain by waiting 3-5 years to want to have a baby if I can just do try having one now and be with her.
The truth is, she needs more and we can’t continue like this, and we need to decide our paths. She is suffering and so am I.
I would appreciate your opinion and if you need more details, please ask.
Thank you,
Gabriel
I cannot imagine being 43 years old with a 29 year old young man. There is 14 years difference in mental, spiritual, and emotional evolvement, life's experiences, trials and errors worked through, finding out who one is, values developed, sexual development, etc., that someone 14 years younger is barely past beginning to experience. At 24 years of age - when you met I believe you were "in love" with the "woman's" sexual experience that you never experienced with a "girl" and you were "whipped" - emotionally. For her, my guess would be that your youthful stamina probably rocked her boat and spares her from having to deal with a real man/woman relationship and all of its responsibilities. No woman who is really in love would settle for seeing "her man" 1-3 times a week, so she lets you believe she is "in love" with you. You (my guess), fill a void for her. Do not make the mistake of believing that her world will come to an end should you leave her. That story playing in your head about her being too old to have a baby when you are ready later in life, should I cut and run ya, ya, ya... is simply your ego. You sound strung out. In my opinion, you are young, and should be dating younger women who are focused on their career and, like you, not ready for a family. As for your 43 year old friend, trust me, she will be fine.
I going thru a relationship that has become very complicated due to the age difference between my girlfriend and me. I am writing this because I find myself really lost and don’t really know what to do. I would really appreciate your sincere opinion on this. I will try to be as short as possible and objective here:
I am 29 years old, moved to US in 2009 and met this wonderful woman, 43 years old, divorced with one child. We have been together for 5 years and I love everything about her. She is smart, kind and charming, supportive, amazing partner (we never even had a single fight), etc… She has been my foundation during all this time in US. We live separate and see each other 1-3 times per week.
She loves me in a similar way, but our future together relies on me. I will explain why.
We face 3 problems:
1. Her biological clock
It meanly comes down to a baby. I would love to be a father of my own biological child (at the right time), but we only have a little tiny time here, if any at all.
I am definitely not ready to have a child at this stage of my life. I don’t think it would be right to force myself into this just for the sake of love and be irrational about the whole thing. If things don’t work out in the future, then we would have make our lives way harder.
She is totally okay with having one or not as she already has a 11 years-old-girl (which we get along particularly well, but her teenage phase is coming along with harmony change.. you know where I am going with this.)
2. Homesick
I am an immigrant from Brazil and she is American. I have a good career here and visit my family/friends at least once a year. However, some of my relatives lived in US for aprox. 30 years until eventually they couldn't no longer wait to move back to Brazil. Some got their lives in a bit of a mess and time took a lot from them. So I am afraid that the same fear knocks my door ultimately or that I can find myself in the same way (regretful).
3. Insecurity and fear of marrying her.
I am not talking about the typical men’s fear of commitment, because I truly love her.
It is because I can’t predict what is going to happen with regards to the above problems. I am afraid of changing my mind in the future and ending up messing her life at this stage. Let us remember that she is running with less time than I do. If things go south and we breakup, I would have wasted her time, which she could have spent trying to find someone more compatible. To prevent her from finding someone that could really be with her in a truly lasting relationship because of my insecurities is selfish.
-
The 30s is knocking my door, but I still feeling the desire of freedom and adventure. However, is it really worth trading off a person that completes me so much for that desire?
I feel like a coward that is trying to settle life, afraid of seeing the truth right in front of me because I fear the unknown, being alone and never find someone so special like her.
At the same time I also feel that a person so special like her that completes me so much is very, very hard to find. Our love is just sincere and strong (we never had a single fight in 5 years for example). So I ask myself what I have to gain by waiting 3-5 years to want to have a baby if I can just do try having one now and be with her.
The truth is, she needs more and we can’t continue like this, and we need to decide our paths. She is suffering and so am I.
I would appreciate your opinion and if you need more details, please ask.
Thank you,
Gabriel
Your concerns are about children, the future and approaching 30 is what you should be thinking about at your age. There is nothing wrong with feeling the desire of freedom and adventure, but think about how that desire would be fulfilled with a 43 year old woman. There is a reason for every person's season in our lives. You have to figure out the reason for her season in your life. At 43, she shoud understand where you are in your life at your age and respect your decision if you decide to move on.
Location: Subconscious Syncope, USA (Northeastern US)
2,365 posts, read 2,148,500 times
Reputation: 3814
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains
Gabriel, you are on the verge of being the biggest fool ever
You actually found a "wonderful woman...been together for 5 years.... you love everything about her.... She is smart, kind and charming, supportive, amazing partner (never even had a single fight), etc… and has been you foundation during all this time"
and you're going to let your fear and insecurities, plus the ridiculous notion that you have to have your "own" baby, cause you to walk away from her??
Come on now.
Do her the favor of walking, she doesn't deserve to be treated as though she's disposable.
Oh, and word to the wise, it's already way too risky for her to have a baby at her age - unless you don't mind the 1 in 100 chance your child will have Down Syndrome.
This. Why do you have to make a baby? I cant imagine this is her idea, but it could be.
It doesnt have to mean you cant marry her, but why deal with all the pressure of worrying about it.
My father's second wife was 20 years older than him. Pretty much the situation as you. They were together until her death at age 75. I can think of at least 2 other long-standing marriages with such age differences between the male and female.
If everything else if the best you have ever known, then age is just a number. Love is less of the pleasure and tangible objects derived from a relation; and more the sacrifices you are willing to put up with in order to simply be with someone.
It can definately work, and if you both put a baby into the "if it happens, beautiful - and if it doesnt, still beautiful" category there should be little to hinder your relationship following its natural course.
Except for part (and only part) of the first issue, your hesitation, OP, is not based on the age difference. Problems 2 and 3 that you are facing are very common among people who immigrate to a new country and fall in love with a citizen from that country. I faced it, and am still facing it.
Dialogue - communication - between the two of you regarding your "alternatives" about your future helps to reduce the uncertainty you face. You need to know what your options are.
Living in the present is also important. The future is always uncertain and worrying, worrying about the future gets one nowhere. At the same time, making a fixed decision, in the present, about what you will do in the far future can easily result in a "mistake" based on unforeseen (and perhaps unforeseeable) future events and circumstances that leads to regrets, which are often quite costly in emotional and financial terms, compared to better alternatives that you didn't plan for in the past, and only popped up unexpectedly in the future.
Yes, you need to know what your future options are, but don't foreclose on any one of them until you have more certain information and the execution date of your future plans is a lot closer. Stuff happens!
I came to Denmark, planning to stay for 2-3 years and then moving back to the US. I feel in love with a danish woman. We married 17 years ago, after a 1.5 year courtship. She has never wanted to leave Denmark permanently. Now her ties to Denmark are strengthened by two grand-children. We travel to the US every year, and lots of others place, as well.
That's what is happening today. I'm sitting in my home in Denmark, typing. I'm happy. I think I'll stay for a few days more....Life is good and i am in love with a wonderful woman.
Try to get to this place...in your head.
Last edited by Frihed89; 02-12-2015 at 01:40 AM..
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