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I think the guy senses you only see him as the provider as opposed to the man you truly want / wanted. I think the type of guys you want are the ones that have no plans to get married and enjoy keeping their options open.
So you have settled for the nice guy expecting him to marry you in a short amount of time because you believe you are better than him, out of his league and that he has less options. However, what you have discovered is despite this, he is still not marrying you and you are becoming impatient about it.
The guy senses you only see him for what he can provide, stability, children, someone to look after the aging parents. It appears you do not see him as a man but as some kind of utility. This is what he probably senses but on a more gut level rather than on a conscious level.
I don't think he is holding back because he likes the way things are, he is holding back because somewhere, something is picking up on the undertones of your behaviour towards him and your impatience has become something that has served to confirm what his gut instincts have been trying to tell him.
I don't think you love him, you love what he can provide. If you had the choice, you would go for the guy that excites you but you know full well those guys will not marry. If all of what I have just said is incorrect and completely untrue then I challenge you to show him this entire thread and all of the comments.
After all, a marriage must begin with full trust, mutual respect and openness right...
My father is like the way mghow describes the OP.
My parents married in 1964. He checked out of their marriage back in the 1970's.
His attitude is the same as how mhgow describes the OP.
I asked him back when I was a teenager "Why do you not show your wife love and affection?"
His response...
Love and affection are overrated. I provide for my wife and our family. So I am doing all that I need to do.
I knew at that point that I did not want a relationship like theirs. I knew that I would not get involved with a man like him much less marry a man like him.
My parents divorced in the mid 1980's.
A marriage partner is much more than just a checkbook.
This is a bit of a non sequitur, for I don't read anything in the OP where financial considerations are part of the picture. Nor do I see anything in the post about men getting fact. It seems as if you have an agenda to inject where one isn't really required.
No she doesn't blatantly say it, but it's implied because if she loves the man, why is it so important that they get married? What, apart from the legal entanglements should they separate, difference would it make if they are married or not? Child support would have to be paid regardless, so it would seem the biggest difference and likely at least one reason for the outside pressure is to "cover her a$$" in the event of separation - practical reasons.
Furthermore, married men are 25% more likely to be overweight than their single- and live-in counterparts: How Marriage Impacts Health - Business Insider. My point was just that many people in this thread are responsible for wedding-crazed women/promoting that culture by saying that there's no "long-term commitment" just because they're unmarried. The fact is that the man is in a long-term relationship with her, and they share a household as it is right now. That IS in fact, a long-term commitment. My post was in response to this: "This is why moving in with a guy is almost always a bad idea. He has everything he needs in a relationship without actually having to make a long-term commitment. He could literally walk in one day and say, "I'm moving out" and that would be it." I'm saying that first of all, he already HAS made a long-term commitment to her, he just hasn't married her, and second of all, I'm asking why it's a bad thing that they could break up at any moment and he doesn't have to involve lawyers. Read between the lines. The subtext of what is being said there is, "Girl, you better hurry up and get him to sign the contract so he can't just leave without paying for it!"
Oh, I agree, sometimes it can happen very quickly!
But our OP is saying she was under the impression ALL men know within weeks that they want to marry the one they end up marrying. This is just not true.
They think they know. Sometimes they are right and sometimes they are wrong. I doubt if anyone has no interest in marrying a person and then all of a sudden they want to get married. I agree with the OP on this one(and on nothing else.)
OP, if everything is good, and you are happy with the relationship, you will want to weigh the value of being officially married vs. losing your best friend/romantic partner forever.
Some women expect to be married and indirectly demand that their bf propose to them by date X.
Reading the OP, I noticed your bf said something to the effect of "when the relationship stabilizes, we can discuss marriage."
OP, your bf is wise. He seems to see a fault in the relationship, and he is wise enough to know that if your relationship is rocky now, marriage will not magically fix everything.
I know some women who are attractive, financially stable, fun, personable, so on and so on, and they dated their bf for 8-10 YEARS before getting married.
I'm not giving advise here. Just simply making observations. In this scenerio, you have to be ok with ending a good relationship as you say, only because he won't propose.
No she doesn't blatantly say it, but it's implied because if she loves the man, why is it so important that they get married? What, apart from the legal entanglements should they separate, difference would it make if they are married or not? Child support would have to be paid regardless, so it would seem the biggest difference and likely at least one reason for the outside pressure is to "cover her a$$" in the event of separation - practical reasons.
Furthermore, married men are 25% more likely to be overweight than their single- and live-in counterparts: How Marriage Impacts Health - Business Insider. My point was just that many people in this thread are responsible for wedding-crazed women/promoting that culture by saying that there's no "long-term commitment" just because they're unmarried. The fact is that the man is in a long-term relationship with her, and they share a household as it is right now. That IS in fact, a long-term commitment. My post was in response to this: "This is why moving in with a guy is almost always a bad idea. He has everything he needs in a relationship without actually having to make a long-term commitment. He could literally walk in one day and say, "I'm moving out" and that would be it." I'm saying that first of all, he already HAS made a long-term commitment to her, he just hasn't married her, and second of all, I'm asking why it's a bad thing that they could break up at any moment and he doesn't have to involve lawyers. Read between the lines. The subtext of what is being said there is, "Girl, you better hurry up and get him to sign the contract so he can't just leave without paying for it!"
I'm a successful computer scientist (money is not an issue). J* gained about 15 lbs when I moved in because I cook (and bake) all the time. It is one of my passions and he will eat anything. I gained a few lbs, though not as much, because I got comfortable as well. I believe the phrase is "Fat and Happy".
So I am not pregnant, I don't need money ... why in the world could I possibly want to get married?
Many marriages are in a sad state of affairs. They're unhappy but stay because they have to.
But, I don't think this thread is about that. This guy does seem afraid of divorce though. I have never seen a single guy who has this fear ever get over it. Most of them never get married, but some of them get married and then harbor it (not to mention constantly let it be known to their wife) and then end up divorced anyway because the wife gets sick of him holding back and raising her anxiety.
I think he is afraid of divorce. I know that he was in a 6 yr relationship before me that ended because she wanted to get married and he didn't. She walked out and was married within 2 years of ending it. I asked him about it because "I don't want to date for 6 years." and he told me that we are nothing like them. That the differences between me and his last girlfriend are night and day. But I feel uneasy about the fact that it has been 2 1/2 years and he doesn't have any plans to propose for at least another 12 months. But I also feel like it means we are not in a healthy place if I don't trust him and take him at his word.
I want to thank everyone for their advice, especially those that included personal stories and experience. I am glad the thread continued this long because I think the advice got really good (and some of the trolls dropped out).
I am not one to rashly act on the advice of anonymous web strangers (no offense). But I do believe I have received valuable insight on many things I was living in the dark about. J* and I have had a great, romantic weekend so far and I purposefully did not broach the subject. I wanted us to genuinely enjoy each others company so we are in a soft place when I talk today. We are going to the zoo and when the moment is right, I want to have a heart to heart about our love and future. I am willing to move out if needed but I want to give us a chance to fully express what is on our hearts and minds and not make a rash decision.
I thank you all for your advice and I wish you the best!
I want to thank everyone for their advice, especially those that included personal stories and experience. I am glad the thread continued this long because I think the advice got really good (and some of the trolls dropped out).
I am not one to rashly act on the advice of anonymous web strangers (no offense). But I do believe I have received valuable insight on many things I was living in the dark about. J* and I have had a great, romantic weekend so far and I purposefully did not broach the subject. I wanted us to genuinely enjoy each others company so we are in a soft place when I talk today. We are going to the zoo and when the moment is right, I want to have a heart to heart about our love and future. I am willing to move out if needed but I want to give us a chance to fully express what is on our hearts and minds and not make a rash decision.
I thank you all for your advice and I wish you the best!
Best of luck to you, hope things work out for the best.
If you get a chance come back and let us know how things went.
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