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Most Indian parents I know would not care if she was from Mars if she was highly educated, professionally successful, and came from a good family (intact, no crazies). That is a slim population of white people.
Nah, this is standard practice. A close friend of mine is from India and his parents are livid he is dating a white girl. They haven't disowned him yet, but have warned him that he'd better not marry a non-Indian. Had a similar discussion with a former coworker. Parents didn't want him with a white girl. I think this scenario is just hard for American's to rationalize and understand, but in India, it's a big deal.
I'm sorry, but there is no way I'd let my parents have any say so in who I date, marry, etc. Marriage is an atiquated institution to begin with. Hard enough to find a worthy s/o in this day and age. No sense in complicating it with the approval of others. If a parent can't accept the choices of their children as adults, then that's too bad and something they need to accept. You don't get to tell others how to live.
Nah, this is standard practice. A close friend of mine is from India and his parents are livid he is dating a white girl. They haven't disowned him yet, but have warned him that he'd better not marry a non-Indian. Had a similar discussion with a former coworker. Parents didn't want him with a white girl. I think this scenario is just hard for American's to rationalize and understand, but in India, it's a big deal.
I don't see a problem with it but turn it around and someone white can't have the same practice or they are labeled racist and ran out of town.
then tell them that they're free to go back to their country
You can't come into an entirely new country and expect not to assimilate at all and demand everyone work to your sensibilities. Why the heck even move countries if you don't want to adopt the new culture?
my own parents are the same way and I can't stand them. They're racist too BTW, even though there isn't a single black person in Iran. Imagine the hubris it takes to move to an entirely new country and hate on the people who have been living here for centuries.
I know your culture is tough about this. I have a coworker who is Indian. She was married once to a Latino guy, then divorced, and now has lived with another Latino man for 15 years. They own a house together.
Not long ago she went to a family wedding--and brought her boyfriend--and one of her aunts pulled her aside and said, "You know, we can find an Indian man for you." As if she was only with her boyfriend because she couldn't find an Indian man.
I have a very American attitude about this. I cannot fathom having to seek the approval of my parents to choose who I marry. That is MY choice, I cant imagine how these cultures have kept this archaic tradition going. Even though I find the idea of arranged marriage repulsive, it is not easy for an individual to disown his parents over the issue. I think its harder though to live with this kind of thing for the rest of your life.
Let me share with you my experience, as this scenario is all too familiar.
I'm a 33-year-old male born and raised in Canada. My parents are immigrants from Croatia, and they came here in 1968.
All throughout my childhood, my mother (father is reasonably normal as far as this is concerned) drilled into my head her expectation that I was to marry someone of Croatian background.
I was told that I was forbidden to have any girlfriends, and that I was to finish university (ideally with multiple degrees), get a job, get established, and only then would I have my mother's approval to start "dating" and have a girlfriend, get married, etc. Obviously, a strong-willed person like me started thinking "nuts to this" at around age 16. After multiple attempts to date Croatian girls, I found that they just didn't turn my crank, and so I accepted the reality that, living in Canada, I would most likely marry someone who is not of Croatian decent. No big deal, thought I. Apparently, this was the end of the world according to my mother. She threatened to not come to my future wedding, threatened all sorts of things, was emotionally and verbally abusive, invoked god and the bible, blah blah blah.
Flash forward a few years to when I was 26, and dating the woman who would become my wife. I was more in love with her than anyone I had ever dated in the past, and for the first time in my life, when asked by one of my friends "how do you feel about her?", I answered, "I can comfortably picture her being the mother of my children." It was simply too poetic when, not 2 months later, we found out that she was pregnant. Oops!
To make a long story short, when I shared this information with my parents (who had never met my girlfriend; my mother refused to even look at her when I tried to introduce them to each other), there was no end of shaming, name-calling and bashing of my girlfriend, her character and her parents. My mother, who was too concerned about her own image in the Croatian community to think about anything else, demanded that I pressure my girlfriend to have an abortion. If that failed, I was to cut off all communication with my girlfriend, never have any contact with my child, pretend it never happened and move on and find some "nice Croatian girl" to marry ASAP.
My own mother would have had me not acknowledge my own child to preserve her own image. This, I saw, was what was at the root of everything she told me, from childhood to adulthood. Parents who think they have a place in "approving / disapproving" their child's life partner are more concerned for themselves, despite what they may say, than they are for their child. If you think about it logically, say you marry someone who your parents choose for you. If the natural order of things prevails, you'll outlive your parents and grandparents by many, many years. Say you can't stand the person you married. What happens after your parents pass on? Sure they'll have been happy while they were around and you were married, but at the expense of your own happiness, your own independence, your own autonomy. And after they pass on? You're stuck married to someone who gives you no joy, and all you'll have left to comfort you is knowing that your parents were happy with the person you chose to marry. For me, this was a non-starter. This was / is my life, and I was going to make my own decisions and live with their consequences.
I chose to stay with the woman who I loved up until that point, and my love for her has only grown since then. I'm absolutely crazy about our first surprise baby, and we've added two more to the family since then. My mother has not spoken to me in almost five years, and I'm totally fine with that. Why? Because I realized that it was not me who made a decision that made me "lose my mother" - it was she who had already made the decision when she threatened to disown me if I didn't do as she demanded. This put the decision out of my control. Had I decided to "honor my parents" (whatever that means), or if I had been afraid to "lose my parents / mother", there would be a little boy out there who wouldn't know his real father, and I would be deprived of a son. I had people tell me, "girls will come and go, but you have only one mother." I politely told them to stuff it, because this is one of the most poisonous, toxic things that a parent can ever tell their child.
Go your own way and hold fast, brother. Your parents may choose to disown you, but that's their decision, and deep down they'll respect you, even if they don't admit it to themselves.
The ball is in your court, it takes two sides to disown. Don't act like you are disowned, it does not exist in your world and do not let their actions dictate your own.
Call and visit. Time is your friend.
Last edited by RonkonkomaNative; 01-22-2015 at 04:00 PM..
Reason: spelling
I don't blame your girlfriend for being upset. Your girlfriend - or any future girlfriends who aren't Indian - are in for a difficult time unless your parents become more accepting. What happens when you have children? Will their grandparents shun them or make them feel unloved because they happen to be half white? Will your girlfriend/wife be shunned at all family gatherings? Will she be subjected to snide comments, criticized at every move, or just left out of all family interactions?
All of that will be an additional stress on your relationship. If your parents don't change their attitude, it will mean you must make a choice to find a partner they approve of, or cutting contact with your parents to a large degree.
It is your life. No matter what other people's expectations are, ultimately it is you who must decide what it is that will make you fulfilled and happy.
Actually, if there's no communication between the OP and his family then things will be very easy with the girlfriend - likely easier than even if she were Indian marrying into an Indian family as daughters-in-law are generally not well treated anyway. Sometimes being shunned is a blessing!...at least if the OP does not continually try to make peace.
My SO is Indian, much older than the OP, but his family rejected me without meeting me. They're in India anyway. But after 5 years since his last visit with them they still call at least weekly to leave hate and guilt- filled voicemails for him even though he has not talked to them since then. The ties are strong, but not loving. Is it really that hard to leave such a family behind?
Good luck! But don't let the "Romeo and Juliet" effect impact your relationship. Don't get more attached to her than you might just because of your parents' reaction. You may have several girlfriends before finding someone you want to marry - keep an open mind.
If one of your parents is a little softer than the other - your mother? - work on her slowly over time. Your father may soften. But it won't happen quickly.
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