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I just found out my boyfriend of 15 years has been having an affair. I am sooo sad.
For me, it started with him coming home later and later after work until finally he just didn't come home at all. He would text me he had a late meeting or was trying to get a job finished early or.... He would say he'd be home in 10 mins or soon or leaving now. Then, sometimes show up at 5 or 6 o'clock in the morning, some times not at al! When he would come home, he'd get in the shower, dress and leave abruptly. I asked him what was going on. He said, "nothing." I'm sure it sounds as though I'm an idiot, but nothing like this had ever occurred. We weren't having problems. Sex was good. Often, really good!! Since it seemed I couldn't do anything about this, I decided to give him time and space.
Finally, he wanted to talk to me. His story is that he has been helping this friend of a friend (female) whose boyfriend had been beating her severely. She stayed at the friend's and wanted to leave town to get away from the abuser. She wired someone for money but it took a long time to arrive. She had impulses of going back to her abuser boyfriend so someone had to be with her at all times. I mean, really?! I knew he was seeing someone. It just seemed obvious. The job had ended so now he was with her every day and every night. But he "wasn't doing anything wrong." And he was afraid to tell me for fear I might not understand. This morning she is supposed to leave to stay with a friend in another state far away. But still I have not heard from my boyfriend. I suspect either she didn't leave or he is devastated as I think he really fell for this woman.
Either way, he has to go. He totally abandoned me to be with her. Lied to me about everything. I know he was having sex with her, in spite of his claims. More importantly, he cheated on "us." So now I can't trust him. He can no longer be my confidant or my best friend. He can no longer be my lover (I just won't take that chance). He has broken my heart.
Any advice on how to handle this when he does show up?
Not all men will change or admit they could have a problem (maybe your boyfriend doesnt). It takes a MAN to admit cheating of ANY kind is wrong and prevent or do something about it.
Men cherish their partners and protect them. Boys think girls are play things.
It's the oldest story in the relationships book, no intention to be hurtful.
Another girl caught his eye; you weren't enough to satisfy his "needs" so he strayed.
SO's of a cheating partner are being handed a gift--a way out of a doomed relationship. The person to be respected is the person who will come to his/her partner before the affair starts and honesty tell the partner things aren't working out and then end it instead of all the sneaking around, trying to have their cake and eat it i.e. making sure the affair seems like a solid deal and if it isn't keeping the current partner until another opportunity comes along. That's despicable.
Not all men will change or admit they could have a problem (maybe your boyfriend doesnt). It takes a MAN to admit cheating of ANY kind is wrong and prevent or do something about it.
Men cherish their partners and protect them. Boys think girls are play things.
I love when the shaming language gets brought out.
Women don't get to define what makes a man a man. They don't. It always boils down to being a utility for women.
Sounds like gender bashing to me. I wonder if my #1 fan will address the quoted post, or if once again women are given free rein to do the very same things that men would be punished, corrected, or attacked for?
I just found out my boyfriend of 15 years has been having an affair. I am sooo sad.
For me, it started with him coming home later and later after work until finally he just didn't come home at all. He would text me he had a late meeting or was trying to get a job finished early or.... He would say he'd be home in 10 mins or soon or leaving now. Then, sometimes show up at 5 or 6 o'clock in the morning, some times not at al! When he would come home, he'd get in the shower, dress and leave abruptly. I asked him what was going on. He said, "nothing." I'm sure it sounds as though I'm an idiot, but nothing like this had ever occurred. We weren't having problems. Sex was good. Often, really good!! Since it seemed I couldn't do anything about this, I decided to give him time and space.
Finally, he wanted to talk to me. His story is that he has been helping this friend of a friend (female) whose boyfriend had been beating her severely. She stayed at the friend's and wanted to leave town to get away from the abuser. She wired someone for money but it took a long time to arrive. She had impulses of going back to her abuser boyfriend so someone had to be with her at all times. I mean, really?! I knew he was seeing someone. It just seemed obvious. The job had ended so now he was with her every day and every night. But he "wasn't doing anything wrong." And he was afraid to tell me for fear I might not understand. This morning she is supposed to leave to stay with a friend in another state far away. But still I have not heard from my boyfriend. I suspect either she didn't leave or he is devastated as I think he really fell for this woman.
Either way, he has to go. He totally abandoned me to be with her. Lied to me about everything. I know he was having sex with her, in spite of his claims. More importantly, he cheated on "us." So now I can't trust him. He can no longer be my confidant or my best friend. He can no longer be my lover (I just won't take that chance). He has broken my heart.
Any advice on how to handle this when he does show up?
Does he own the home with you or if you rent, is he on the lease with you? If the answer is "no" to either, pack up his crap in a box and change the locks. Send him a text telling him he can pick up his belongings as so and so's house (speak to a friend or relative of his first and ask them if they can store his stuff). Then tell him where to go and how to get there and to never bother you again.
I'm sorry this happened to you, but when his hours first became suspicious and he wasn't showing up at home at all, you should have nipped it in the bud right there. Us women know when something's not right. 15 years is a very long time--longer than many marriages.
It sounds like he decided to play white knight and got caught up. I don't think he set out to cheat but after the first time it's no longer a mistake. Tell him exactly what you wrote in the last paragraph if you truly feel that way.
Any advice on how to handle this when he does show up?
Change the locks and throw his crap out on the front lawn. He is your boyfriend and not your husband and he is cheating on you. Why would you put up with that?
Either way, he has to go. He totally abandoned me to be with her. Lied to me about everything. I know he was having sex with her, in spite of his claims. More importantly, he cheated on "us." So now I can't trust him. He can no longer be my confidant or my best friend. He can no longer be my lover (I just won't take that chance). He has broken my heart.
Pack up anything of his and put it outside. Write this ^^^ down and tape it to the stuff.
I just found out my boyfriend of 15 years has been having an affair. I am sooo sad.
For me, it started with him coming home later and later after work until finally he just didn't come home at all. He would text me he had a late meeting or was trying to get a job finished early or.... He would say he'd be home in 10 mins or soon or leaving now. Then, sometimes show up at 5 or 6 o'clock in the morning, some times not at al! When he would come home, he'd get in the shower, dress and leave abruptly. I asked him what was going on. He said, "nothing." I'm sure it sounds as though I'm an idiot, but nothing like this had ever occurred. We weren't having problems. Sex was good. Often, really good!! Since it seemed I couldn't do anything about this, I decided to give him time and space.
Finally, he wanted to talk to me. His story is that he has been helping this friend of a friend (female) whose boyfriend had been beating her severely. She stayed at the friend's and wanted to leave town to get away from the abuser. She wired someone for money but it took a long time to arrive. She had impulses of going back to her abuser boyfriend so someone had to be with her at all times. I mean, really?! I knew he was seeing someone. It just seemed obvious. The job had ended so now he was with her every day and every night. But he "wasn't doing anything wrong." And he was afraid to tell me for fear I might not understand. This morning she is supposed to leave to stay with a friend in another state far away. But still I have not heard from my boyfriend. I suspect either she didn't leave or he is devastated as I think he really fell for this woman.
Either way, he has to go. He totally abandoned me to be with her. Lied to me about everything. I know he was having sex with her, in spite of his claims. More importantly, he cheated on "us." So now I can't trust him. He can no longer be my confidant or my best friend. He can no longer be my lover (I just won't take that chance). He has broken my heart.
Any advice on how to handle this when he does show up?
at this point you have two choices;
1: take him back and let him earn your trust all over again
2: drop him like a bad habit and move on with your life
when someone cheats in a relationship, it destroys the trust that was built up, and it is forever tainted. this is not to say that there are relationships that survive this kind of thing, there are, but those are special people that are willing to salvage a relationship that is worth saving.
personally i vote for option number two, move on with your life, without him.
i recognize that it wont be easy, you will mope around for a while, but eventually you will break out and move on. the faster you can do that, the better for you.
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