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I apologize in advance if I sound pathetic here lol.
I am interested and somewhat involved with a man I am really into. I am not attracted to many guys so this is a big deal. He is in the middle of a divorce so mostly I am his friend when he needs it. I am not trying to demand any thing and tread lightly. This is unfamiliar to me; I usually state my needs plainly. In his case though I am trying to put him first since his situation is so upsetting and he isn't emotionally available.We have had emotionally close intimate times though, it isn't just a surface thing. Anytime we get close I feel very happy and undemanding.
But then he pulls away or I pull away when I am not getting enough attention (and I don't ask for much). This in itself isn't so bad, I truly have my own life and don't focus on him too much. The problem I am having is - I am not getting much attention but he is out there trying to meet/contact other people to be his companion during this lonely time. Someone to talk to, not necessarily for sex. He knows he can't truly date at this time but he has 400 facebook friends, close friends who keep him busy and me....so why is he trolling for more?
I don't know if I am just hurt because I am loving and available yet he rejects me for a potential stranger or if something deeper is going on. I have tried to leave him twice now and he fought me on it and we got even closer. I have confronted him as well out there looking for others when I am right here. He says all the right things though of course. He also doesn't seem to have much relationship experience and married young, if this helps give insight. He knows how much this behavior hurts me and he revealed a lot and apologized profusely. Things were awesome but then I found him his posting an ad for "someone to talk to since he is lonely during his separation". I am a widow, not divorced, so I did not have his direct experience.
I don't even know what I am asking. Mostly I am very attached to him but timing is bad. He has many wonderful qualities and is very accepting of me. I am a generous sweet person and I feel compelled to be there for him. I would need/demand more if he wasnt in his current situation.
I guess I want to know if someone divorcing is just a mess and not to read much into it, or is he a dick and I'm incredibly stupid. and btw - I had a poor behavior episode with him, and he forgave me because he understood what it was about.
I have dated others after I met him and I knew he was separated but I don't like anyone as much as him, although I've tried to, truly. I have known him seven months. I didn't mean to get involved so deeply with a separated man, but here it is.
#1 You are not incredibly stupid.
2. Not sure he's a dick, he could be (hence the divorce j/k)
3. He's dealing with a lot of emotions right now
4. He's going through pressures of fighting to be single verses getting into another relationship
Tough call. I feel you are sacrificing way too much. This whole time, throughout your entire post, it's all been about him. What about you? How do you feel? What do you need?
Instead of focusing on him, think about what you want, what you require and accept no less.
You mentioned you are a widow- that means you've gone through rough patches in life. As a once married man, I think he should be able to empathize a bit on some level and consider your feelings also. And, as a mother, you probably have a tendency to give of yourself a lot.
How about this time you give back to yourself, and remain a bit autonomous and rethink how you envision how you want to live your life and the type of family you imagine having, and all the happiness you deserve.
I don't think anyone here should be spouting off about BPD or any other "disorder" when what's going on in nothing short of human behavior.
The guy is getting divorced after marrying young and possibly has been married a long time (OP didn't give details). He doesn't WANT that one-on-one relationship that he had with his marriage, and frankly that wouldn't be good for him right now anyway. He wants to shake things up and do what he hasn't been doing and is probably confused on top of everything else. He NEEDS to meet different and new people, it's the healthy thing to do. When someone doesn't know what they want they aren't going to be there for YOU in any way. It's just a fact.
Until his divorce is final, and until he plays the field in whatever way is comfortable for him, he won't be available for an actual relationship.
As a recently divorced guy, I agree with Ceece's assessment.
How long was he married and did he want the divorce or was he blindsided by it?
I understand your hesitation being widowed myself. In my experience, you fall in love with someone and then they die. You said he married young. His experience is you fall in love and it doesn't work out in the end. Having just gone through that with his soon to be ex, he's probably not in any hurry to fall in love again for fear of the same ending. He needs time to heal especially if this isn't what he wanted.
Now if he did initiate the divorce, then yeah, I'd agree with the others that perhaps it would be best to walk away, especially if you want something serious because you aren't going to get it from him at this time. If he's never "played the field" he may need to get that out of his system before jumping into another serious relationship.
If you're getting mixed messages, it means you're not important to him.
If you're confused by his actions, he's not that into you.
People get so wrapped up with being confused by another person's actions. If you have to ask another person, it means you should quit wasting your time because it's already over.
I agree with this, especially "he's not that into you." There is a saying: "Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option." Hold out for someone who will make you a priority, too.
I re-read all the posts just now...thank you. So much good stuff.
I am convinced I am stupid but that is ok, I dont mind.
I dunno, I think i have trouble accepting he is a bunch of negative things and boy what a liar. I was a bit nutty in my youth so I tend to be forgiving when I understand motivations. I dont know if that is a good or bad trait. And I think he is a jerk to me but wonderful to all his other bazillion friends since he has so many. And he's so sensitive and been hurt so much so how can he hurt others?
For the curious, he married in his early 20s and had one gf before his wife (and both he and gf lived with their parents still respectively, stating only because how grown up of a relationship can it be then). He was married almost 10 years. I know the last year of their marriage there was no affection and they slept in separate rooms and rarely spent time together. He claims she became verbally abusive and that is when he decided to make plans to move out.
And for the poster who said she didnt mean to be harsh - it was exactly what I need to hear so harsh away! (and actually it wasnt harsh, just forthright which I respect)
My best friend lives 2000 miles away but is here in my town for the summer. I really miss our gf chats, she has a way of making things clear, as well as the forums. Sometimes I just need to hear it over and over before I accept it. Feeling strong today though
I apologize in advance if I sound pathetic here lol.
I am interested and somewhat involved with a man I am really into. I am not attracted to many guys so this is a big deal. He is in the middle of a divorce so mostly I am his friend when he needs it. I am not trying to demand any thing and tread lightly. This is unfamiliar to me; I usually state my needs plainly. In his case though I am trying to put him first since his situation is so upsetting and he isn't emotionally available.We have had emotionally close intimate times though, it isn't just a surface thing. Anytime we get close I feel very happy and undemanding.
But then he pulls away or I pull away when I am not getting enough attention (and I don't ask for much). This in itself isn't so bad, I truly have my own life and don't focus on him too much. The problem I am having is - I am not getting much attention but he is out there trying to meet/contact other people to be his companion during this lonely time. Someone to talk to, not necessarily for sex. He knows he can't truly date at this time but he has 400 facebook friends, close friends who keep him busy and me....so why is he trolling for more?
I don't know if I am just hurt because I am loving and available yet he rejects me for a potential stranger or if something deeper is going on. I have tried to leave him twice now and he fought me on it and we got even closer. I have confronted him as well out there looking for others when I am right here. He says all the right things though of course. He also doesn't seem to have much relationship experience and married young, if this helps give insight. He knows how much this behavior hurts me and he revealed a lot and apologized profusely. Things were awesome but then I found him his posting an ad for "someone to talk to since he is lonely during his separation". I am a widow, not divorced, so I did not have his direct experience.
I don't even know what I am asking. Mostly I am very attached to him but timing is bad. He has many wonderful qualities and is very accepting of me. I am a generous sweet person and I feel compelled to be there for him. I would need/demand more if he wasnt in his current situation.
I guess I want to know if someone divorcing is just a mess and not to read much into it, or is he a dick and I'm incredibly stupid. and btw - I had a poor behavior episode with him, and he forgave me because he understood what it was about.
I have dated others after I met him and I knew he was separated but I don't like anyone as much as him, although I've tried to, truly. I have known him seven months. I didn't mean to get involved so deeply with a separated man, but here it is.
I stopped reading at "MIDDLE OF DIVORCE..."
Bad move, very bad move.
Tell him to get back in touch with you after the divorce is final and he's dated at least 6 new women.
I don't think anyone here should be spouting off about BPD or any other "disorder" when what's going on in nothing short of human behavior.
The guy is getting divorced after marrying young and possibly has been married a long time (OP didn't give details). He doesn't WANT that one-on-one relationship that he had with his marriage, and frankly that wouldn't be good for him right now anyway. He wants to shake things up and do what he hasn't been doing and is probably confused on top of everything else. He NEEDS to meet different and new people, it's the healthy thing to do. When someone doesn't know what they want they aren't going to be there for YOU in any way. It's just a fact.
Until his divorce is final, and until he plays the field in whatever way is comfortable for him, he won't be available for an actual relationship.
Wow, I basically said exactly what you did before I had read the thread
Keep looking at your watch anytime you get mixed messages. Cus you know what? Means, time to move on!!
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but that is ok, I dont mind. 
