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Since this just happened yesterday it is fresh in my head to use as an example of what I deal with often. Husband had a Dr. appt yesterday for migraines, I went with him and mentioned that he also has a hard time dealing with stress and has anxiety, husband confirmed this and told the Dr his issues. I asked about Amitriptyline, Dr. thought it would be a great med to try, helps with anxiety and migraines, husband seemed fine with it. Later that night when it came time to take the pill husband starts mouthing off to me saying I am forcing him to take pills and starts cursing at me telling me he is going to tell his parents that i am forcing him to take pills and how now he isn't going to give a f**k about anything because he is on pills. Finally he shuts up and goes to sleep. Starts again first thing this morning, says he feels like s**t because of the pills I am forcing him to take. Finally I say to him that he is an adult, he can make his own decisions, I am not forcing him to do anything, if he doesn't want to take the pills don't taking the F**king pills. It is always how everyone else is forcing him to do something. Another example before his appt yesterday he was at work and got sightly electrocuted because he was rushed from the dispatcher, he kept calling him while he was on the service call (HVAC Tech) I told him him that he did not have to answer the call, therefore no one forced him to rush, he chose to rush and therefore caused the electrocution by rushing all by his own doing. Of course he did not want to hear this which irritated him more. He has a bad habit of picking on my physical flaws too which he knows it is hurtful, but does it anyway. I don't have anything major, I am talking about pointing out a pimple or some tiny cherry angioma's on my legs saying they would be perfect if it wasn't for those ugly things. Makes me feel like crap. Need advice on what to do and how to deal with it. Thanks!!
Reading through some of these responses to you is...interesting. The usual cut n dry stuff like "don't put up with that", the divorce option, et all. But, nothing is ever so black and white. Not when you have time invested like you do. From where I'm sitting, both of you need to be able to plainly state what the REAL issues are. All his hurtful rhetoric, the resentful stuff, how he says you are "making" him do things he doesn't want to do, its a smokescreen. He's not even being honest with himself about what's really eating him. IDK, and won't guess at what that might be, but I know what its not, and that is all you fault. Its NOT all your fault at all.
It can be very difficult for a couple to dig out what the real issues are that beat up on the relationship. There's never an easy cure or solution. Generally, you can't do it by yourselves. Someone who is objective needs to help guide things and keep tempers in check. A referee , if you will. Yea, that means a counselor. Couples therapy is another worn out suggestion, I know. Been there. But, the counselor I had experience with was outstanding. That can be hard to find, but remember this...a good counselor does not inject their personal feelings and does NOT take sides. It is their job to guide you and your partner to talk to each other, and move things from being antagonistic to actually working on things yourselves.
He/she will just keep order, not allowing hurtful rhetoric or the blame game. With those factors removed, then the REAL issues can come out. Alas though, both party's must be willing to lay that crap aside and get to work. That is the problem with counseling. It doesn't always work that way. Anyway, hang in there. I've been in your shoes and know how bad this hurts. I guess my "advice", such as it is, is to realize your not alone in your plight. Perhaps talking with other women like yourself, a support group maybe, could help YOU on your way. If you can't take care of you, helping your SO is impossible. Sorry I can't offer more, but its a start. This is far from being a simple problem. So, help yourself first, draw strength from other people like you. And DONT blame yourself.
I tried to tell him I did not want to accompany him to the appt. because I would feel like his Mother, but he insisted I go. I need to let him take care of himself and quit trying to help, it just causes conflict in the end.
Notice, OP, that he suckered you into going to the doc app't with him, just so he could blame you later, and make you the bad guy. Very passive-aggressive and childish. You guys have issues as a couple, and he does as an individual, as well. I can't help wondering that if you were to insist on therapy (individual, and couples'), would he blame you for anything and everything that he might not be happy with there. There may not be a solution to this, but it's clear you (as a couple) need professional help.
Maybe he feels you are unsympathetic to his pain or injuries and is trying to retaliate by hurting you?
Either way, up the amount on his insurance policy. You can't force a grown man to do anything! He was the same when you met him. Time to change your approach!
You are facilitating his behaviour by association. Stop allowing it to take place.
Inform him you will be removing yourself from the situation when he begins to become belligerent from now on. It's not because you do not love him, it's not because you do not care about him...it's because you deserve to be treated better.
When he starts again after the initial talk just walk away every time...No discussion until he is ready to take it seriously.
He needs to be aware of the affects his actions have. IE: no more "you"
If you can get him to go to couples counseling do so. He may not even be aware why he acts this way to make the change possible.
Last edited by rego00123; 06-18-2014 at 12:20 PM..
Thank you for all the responses. Therapy is needed, even if he won't go at least I can do this for myself. I feel like I am going crazy sometimes and yes he is very passive-aggressive. Maybe if he sees me going to therapy he might agree to try and if not then maybe something drastic needs to happen (separate) to see if he even wants to be in this marriage.
You are facilitating his behaviour by association. Stop allowing it to take place.
Inform him you will be removing yourself from the situation when he begins to become belligerent from now on. It's not because you do not love him, it's not because you do not care about him...it's because you deserve to be treated better.
When he starts again after the initial talk just walk away every time...No discussion until he is ready to take it seriously.
He needs to be aware of the affects his actions have. IE: no more "you"
If you can get him to go to couples counseling do so. He may not even be aware why he acts this way to make the change possible.
You are facilitating his behaviour by association. Stop allowing it to take place.
Inform him you will be removing yourself from the situation when he begins to become belligerent from now on. It's not because you do not love him, it's not because you do not care about him...it's because you deserve to be treated better.
When he starts again after the initial talk just walk away every time...No discussion until he is ready to take it seriously.
He needs to be aware of the affects his actions have. IE: no more "you"
If you can get him to go to couples counseling do so. He may not even be aware why he acts this way to make the change possible.
I don't disagree with this, but I think I would phrase it just a little bit differently.
Don't say you DESERVE to be treated better. Say you DON'T deserve to be treated like this. And maybe that you're walking away to keep the situation from devolving into a fight. You don't want either of you to say something they don't truly mean.
It gets real damn easy for things to be taken the wrong way and put one person on the defensive in situations like this. Been there, done that, got the papers to prove it. NO ONE likes being on the defensive, and a lot of people will go on the attack as soon as it even LOOKS like they're being put on defense.
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