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Is that a hard and fast rule, or does it matter why? I ask because I've dated more than a few people that have been in jail for civil disobedience / protest related reasons. I think it's pretty cool.
You definitely just proved my point about having an open mind and being open to different possibilities. I would consider someone for those reasons. Also someone who went in the drunk tank when they were younger doesn't count. I meant more of someone who served lengthy time for a serious crime like theft or drugs or violence.
I'm a single mom like the op and ask for men to bring the same things I bring to the table: financial stability, an education, ambition, goals, physically attractive, responsible, etc. I'm not opposed to dating men with children, since I have a child of my own but I also-like the op-get concerned about blending. As it stands I have dated one man with a child, but the rest have been childless men who bring all the things I bring to the table minus the kid. I don't think her standards are that of a princess. Everyone is entitled to their own preferences and standards even if others disagree. I've always maintained that your only as limited as your beliefs.. so when you fall into the dangerous habit of believing that your limited for whatever reason(single mom for instance) it can impact your reality and your experiences. If you don't believe it's limiting and focus on what you want, experiences are more favorable.
In addition in important measure of realistic preference/ standards are if one has had no problem having relationships, dating or attracting men that meet their standards/preferences. If you've never struggled to meet men that meet your preferences then there is no need to lower them. It is only when what you require or want has not yielded many results for you that it's time to make adjustments whether that is personal beliefs, or being more open to other types.
I don't know what the situation is with the OP, but if she's never had a problem meeting a guy that met her conditions despite her having a child then she has no need to adjust what she wants.
From my own personal experience as I've said in several threads, I've attracted every man I've been attracted to and wanted. That tells me all I need to know about my preferences or standards. So despite me having a child, childless men who meet my standards want me, and have pursued me numerous times, thus I won't adjust my standards based on what others perceive as a limitation on my part just because they think I'm tripping. I only do me and could care less if others think I'm asking for too much. I decide based on me what is appropriate and realistic for ME. And I'm glad the op has a similar mindset, that type of inner strength and wisdom is crucial.
I have never tried old. I have not needed to because I meet men in person that meet my type, but I don't think the op should change anything about what she wants. And kudos to her for raising her child and maintaining her stance amongst all the judgemental citydaters. To the op do you sweetie.
Nope. I know some people make assumptions. There again some don't. I don't hold anyone to the expectation that they should or should not make assumptions about me. But now I feel like I'm running in circles. And along similar lines...you are like a dog chasing it's tail. Aren't you bored of this yet? LOL...
Quote:
Originally Posted by nostoneunturned
Also- I wanted to add this earlier, but forgot- online dating by nature is not for the thin-skinned or faint-hearted. You have to understand that 95% of the time, interactions will go nowhere, photos/looks are king, not everyone's going to like you even if you like them, and you just can't take it personally. It sucks, it's not fun, that's how it rolls. If you find even one decent person who reciprocates your interest, you should thank your lucky stars!!
I don't know what Denny Crane's hang up is, but obviously this discussion is getting under his (?) skin. Look, not trying to be harsh friend, but for your own sake- let it go. I have- single moms aren't a hot commodity, like.. at all. But of course I am not interested in dating someone who holds certain opinions about my demographic group anyways, just as Neutrino so astutely pointed out. And divorced guys shouldn't want to date those who hold them in less regard either- since there are women out there that don't. It just makes the screening process all the more easier, is how I look at it.
Ah yes. When you can't refute someone's arguments, attack them personally. Accusing me of having something under my skin about this discussion might make you feel better, but it doesn't change the truth of what I've said. You say that you don't hold anyone to the expectation of making or not making assumptions about you. Then why would you post your profile on a dating site? Like you said, some men will make assumptions about you and some men won't. Well, if you're posting your profile on a dating site, that must mean you expect at least one person on there won't make assumptions about you. Otherwise, why even join? Just the act of joining a dating site proves that you want someone who'll keep an open mind about you. But you're unwilling to do the same for divorced men or men whose pictures have women in them. That's why I call you a hypocrite.
Gah. I don't know why I do this to myself. Feeling bored last night, I set up a new OLD account on Match. I started from scratch since some things have changed since my last foray- my hair color for one. I took some decent-ish pictures and slapped a profile up.
Now the area I am in is not heavily populated. I live in a college town, which is the biggest thing going for about a 100-mile radius even though it only has about 70K residents. There aren't many...options, so to speak, online or otherwise, at my age (28). I don't know why but it seems worse than ever. I've tried OLD several times previously and had fairly good luck. Maybe it was the red hair, maybe because I was a couple years younger, but it seemed like the responses I got were from good guys who held real potential. Today I browsed around and felt so utterly underwhelmed.
I don't feel like I'm overly picky either! I won't go for divorced guys, which it seems the majority of guys late 20's - mid 30's are. I won't go for guys that have high school education or less (education is HUGE for me, as is motivation and ambition), and I won't go for guys whose profiles leave much to be desired. I'm talking: major grammar and spelling errors, boring descriptions ("I like to have fun." Okaaaaay. Good to know.. <massive eyeroll> ), and poor photos (Several which were obvs cut in half..but you could still see a woman's hair, or arm). WHY? Are people really this lazy?? And why the photos out with other women? It makes you look like a player, or arrogant, instead of a stud. I bet most women agree too, so I don't get this at all. I would NOT put a picture up of me gallivanting with a bunch of guys with beers, that's not the image I'd want to project. Also too many partying/drinking pictures -by the time you're 30, isn't that a bit.. past your time?
All I ask for is a well-written (hopefully somewhat funny) profile, a couple clear pictures, demonstration of a little drive, and a love of family (and kids- since I have one. I know, single moms aren't popular, but I understand why so I don't blame anyone). Is that too much to hope for? I don't care about height or six pack or income!!
I saw exactly three dudes that fit the bill. One of which, was "self-employed", but, whatever. He had "winked" at me and was really funny, so I sent him a short message, which he read but didn't respond to. Another looked at my profile and indicated no interest. And the last one hasn't been on in three days, so who knows. I know this is only day one but already I feel exhausted LOL. Well I paid for a month so we'll see what happens.
Why don't you just wear a hairshirt and suffer that way, if suffering is what you're seeking? At least that way you'll suffer but still have free time to do something more worthwhile than being online wasting time (again).
Gah. I don't know why I do this to myself. Feeling bored last night, I set up a new OLD account on Match. I started from scratch since some things have changed since my last foray- my hair color for one. I took some decent-ish pictures and slapped a profile up.
...
I know this is only day one but already I feel exhausted LOL. Well I paid for a month so we'll see what happens.
In retrospect, I should have paid for only one month on there. I paid for three, and one month in, it's clear that was a mistake because it's rather boring.
I freely admit the problem is mine, however. I'm an urban person in suburbia, where the men my age are looking for someone to settle down with on their second marriages. A much lower percentage of them don't have kids than you would find in a city, too. Plus, the suburban lifestyle bores me in general, and I intend to move somewhere more urban in a year. I don't see where any of the guys who have contacted me would want anything short term other than the moronic 19-year-olds with mommy fetishes. It's like they're in mid-life crisis mode and want to get everything settled with a wife before they qualify for AARP benefits. I suppose it's a nice compliment that someone would look at my profile and think, "hmmmm, this one seems intelligent and solid and might make a good spouse or life partner" versus said 19-year-old morons. But that's not where I am in my life. I don't want a string of Mr. Right Nows, but I don't want anyone who is dating with the intention of eventual marriage, either.
Oh, well, live and learn. I would love to meet someone for something somewhat steady, maybe a couple of dates a month, but casual, but unless I want to date someone who is separated and most likely has kids anyway, I'm not sure it's worth the effort. It's definitely not worth the price of a site like Match, that's for sure.
Ah yes. When you can't refute someone's arguments, attack them personally. Accusing me of having something under my skin about this discussion might make you feel better, but it doesn't change the truth of what I've said. You say that you don't hold anyone to the expectation of making or not making assumptions about you. Then why would you post your profile on a dating site? Like you said, some men will make assumptions about you and some men won't. Well, if you're posting your profile on a dating site, that must mean you expect at least one person on there won't make assumptions about you. Otherwise, why even join? Just the act of joining a dating site proves that you want someone who'll keep an open mind about you. But you're unwilling to do the same for divorced men or men whose pictures have women in them. That's why I call you a hypocrite.
This is just getting weird.
So, by simply posting a profile online I am a hypocrite? By that logic everyone walking around is a hypocrite, since they are out in public and surely at least one other person will make an assumption about them.. right? Or is it just those of us on dating sites? So is everyone on OLD supposed to NOT make assumptions about other users.. How would that even work? As I said...previously, on a prior post, which you may or may not have read (ahem) everyone will, can, and does screen other users; some of us sadly carry the distinction of being "less desirable" to others. I too fall into the "less desirable" category- but here's the thing. These categories are not mutually inclusive. We "undesirables" are not forced to date one another, simply because some seem to think we should. Let's flip it around- should a divorced man (or even, less attractive single guy) who does not want kids be expected to consider a single mom? Answer: No.
Please take a moment to read Faith2187's excellent, thoughtful post. Perhaps if we were having issues finding men without kids, or who hadn't previously been married...well maybe, we might reconsider, if we didn't want to be alone. Personally, I'd rather be single than be with someone I feel like I'm settling for. As I wouldn't want anyone settling for me!
So, by simply posting a profile online I am a hypocrite? By that logic everyone walking around is a hypocrite, since they are out in public and surely at least one other person will make an assumption about them.. right? Or is it just those of us on dating sites? So is everyone on OLD supposed to NOT make assumptions about other users.. How would that even work? As I said...previously, on a prior post, which you may or may not have read (ahem) everyone will, can, and does screen other users; some of us sadly carry the distinction of being "less desirable" to others. I too fall into the "less desirable" category- but here's the thing. These categories are not mutually inclusive. We "undesirables" are not forced to date one another, simply because some seem to think we should. Let's flip it around- should a divorced man (or even, less attractive single guy) who does not want kids be expected to consider a single mom? Answer: No.
Please take a moment to read Faith2187's excellent, thoughtful post. Perhaps if we were having issues finding men without kids, or who hadn't previously been married...well maybe, we might reconsider, if we didn't want to be alone. Personally, I'd rather be single than be with someone I feel like I'm settling for. As I wouldn't want anyone settling for me!
You're awfully defensive. Show me where anyone has suggested that you "undesirables" should date each other. Show me where anyone has told you to settle. Your posting a profile online isn't what makes you a hypocrite. Perhaps if you'd go back and reread what I wrote, you'd see that. But allow me to spell it out one more time. You chose to post a profile online. But why would you do so unless you expected there to be men online who wouldn't assume the worst about you? The very fact that you posted a profile proves that you either expect or hope to find a guy who won't penalize you for being a single mom. Otherwise, there would be no point in posting the profile. Right? Given that, why are you willing to assume the worst about divorced men or men with women cropped out of their pictures? THAT'S what makes you a hypocrite. You're online expecting or hoping that somebody will keep an open mind about single moms. Meanwhile, you're NOT willing to keep an open mind about divorced men or men who stand next to women in their pics.
Seriously, why did you start this thread? Are you just looking for validation? Quite a number of us have told you that your standards are unrealistic and that your reasons for excluding certain people make no sense. But you just get defensive and accuse us of saying things that we're not actually saying.
You're awfully defensive. Show me where anyone has suggested that you "undesirables" should date each other. Show me where anyone has told you to settle.
Well, do you want me to copy about half the thread? LOL
Quote:
Your posting a profile online isn't what makes you a hypocrite. Perhaps if you'd go back and reread what I wrote, you'd see that. But allow me to spell it out one more time. You chose to post a profile online. But why would you do so unless you expected there to be men online who wouldn't assume the worst about you? The very fact that you posted a profile proves that you either expect or hope to find a guy who won't penalize you for being a single mom. Otherwise, there would be no point in posting the profile. Right? Given that, why are you willing to assume the worst about divorced men or men with women cropped out of their pictures? THAT'S what makes you a hypocrite. You're online expecting or hoping that somebody will keep an open mind about single moms. Meanwhile, you're NOT willing to keep an open mind about divorced men or men who stand next to women in their pics.
Seriously, why did you start this thread? Are you just looking for validation? Quite a number of us have told you that your standards are unrealistic and that your reasons for excluding certain people make no sense. But you just get defensive and accuse us of saying things that we're not actually saying.
Who's "us"? You are the only continuing this exchange with me.
I don't care enough to feel defensive. I just don't really get "why." Your contradictions are boring me, so if this thread is equally as boring to you, why do you continue to post in it? I'm guessing you are trolling. It's so odd, because I've read your comments in other threads, and you appear reasonable elsewhere. Yet you continue to engage me, for reasons unknown. I'm not holding you hostage here, honey. Feel free to walk away- were you waiting on my permission?
Well, do you want me to copy about half the thread? LOL
Who's "us"? You are the only continuing this exchange with me.
I don't care enough to feel defensive. I just don't really get "why." Your contradictions are boring me, so if this thread is equally as boring to you, why do you continue to post in it? I'm guessing you are trolling. It's so odd, because I've read your comments in other threads, and you appear reasonable elsewhere. Yet you continue to engage me, for reasons unknown. I'm not holding you hostage here, honey. Feel free to walk away- were you waiting on my permission?
Yes, post the parts of this thread where people are telling you to settle. Cause I really don't see it. I think that's just how you're choosing to interpret what other people are telling you. As for contradictions, there are none. You just don't want to admit that you're a hypocrite. This thread isn't boring me and if it were boring you, you wouldn't still be posting to it. As for telling me to walk away, is that your way of saying that I'm right? You can accuse me of trolling if that makes you feel better. But it still doesn't change the truth of my argument. If you don't want to admit that you're being hypocritical, fine. I wasn't expecting you to. But don't stand there saying you get to make assumptions about divorced men or men with women in their pictures while you yourself are posting to a dating a site in the hopes that someone might keep an open mind about you. THERE'S your contradiction.
When I started reading this thread at first I thought, "oh, a single mother is looking for someone, good for her, I hope she can find someone she likes", but reading it through level of delusion some women live with becomes annoying. She wants this great guy with all these great qualities and she's not willing to lower her standards, and yet, she's approaching thirty with a kid. Of course I get not wanting some drunk or drug addict or criminal or some high school dropout but excluding divorced men or men with cropped photos? How ridiculous is that? What are YOU bringing to the table? A kid and demands? Why would a guy with all the qualities you're looking for take you when he can find someone around the same age or younger and with no kids? I'm not saying you can't find a man, I sincerely hope you do as I wish everyone can find happiness in their lives but you should try being more flexible.
Quote:
Originally Posted by nostoneunturned
This is just getting weird.
Please take a moment to read Faith2187's excellent, thoughtful post. Perhaps if we were having issues finding men without kids, or who hadn't previously been married...well maybe, we might reconsider, if we didn't want to be alone. Personally, I'd rather be single than be with someone I feel like I'm settling for. As I wouldn't want anyone settling for me!
What you and Faith seem to fail to recognize is that all these men that Faith is meeting and getting involved with are just having sex with her, not a relationship, and certainly they're not taking care of her kid, which is perfectly fine if that's what you want, but don't expect them to stick around, and that's what I think you're looking for. Anyway, you said you're fine with being alone if you can't find the exact guy you want, so I suppose you'll be ok either way.
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Why don't you just wear a hairshirt and suffer that way, if suffering is what you're seeking? At least that way you'll suffer but still have free time to do something more worthwhile than being online wasting time (again).
