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Last year my husband and i decided to move to a bigger apartment, we had just given birth to our second child and we were living in a 1 bedroom apartment therefore we needed space. During this time, my lil brother was staying with us while attending college. We found a 3 bedroom apartment, and my husband and I agreed to ask my brother if he would like to rent one of the rooms for $400 a month. My husband was ok with this, and we all agreed upon it and everything seemed fine. We still had not moved into the apartment, and suddenly my husband started asking if my brother was going to have issues paying the rent, and if there would be any issues, he would just give the room to his sister. Although i found his comments odd, i assured him there would be no issues, and we all moved in with no problem. His sister was staying at his parents house, during this time she was traveling back and forth from DR to NJ, because she was in the process of petitioning her husband to come to the US. I didn't think much of it, until 6 months later when My sister in law announced that they approved her husbands papers and he will be coming to the US. It was as if instantly my husband's attitude towards my brother changed. Suddenly everything that my brother would do would bother him, he had an attitude towards him, and it was clear that my brother was feeling uncomfortable. He even started looking for a new place. I had a very strong feeling that the reason why my husband was behaving this way was because my sister in laws husband was arriving soon, and he wanted them to have the room. So i asked , I asked my husband if my brother moves out was he planning on having them moving in, and he answered by saying yes. This made me very upset for several reasons. One, how could he make a decision about moving in someone that i had never met in my life to our house without discussing it with me,and two it made me very upset that he was treating my brother in such an awful way, using a passive aggressive tactic to make him move like that. It was soo sneaky, i disliked it. But i made a mistake, Instead of pointing out his wrong doings, i turned around and said that i would simply not be comfortable living with a couple, i also said that I know how i get very bothered and annoyed easily and i would just like to avoid any possible drama. Of course my husband got very angry with me , and didnt talk to me for like a week. I also don't know exactly what he told my sister in law, but she also stopped talking to me for like a month. Eventually everything died out. Fast forward to November when my brother started dating his now girlfriend. Of course there were nights when his girlfriend stayed over, and now i am paying for that. The minute my husband sees that she stays over for more than one night, he starts making comments like " Oh there goes the other queen of the house" Or " your living with a couple now, funny how your accepting it" It comments that are clearly made to bother me. I had to speak to my bother to restrict her from coming during the week , because my husband insisted that she was living with us. She doesnt even have clothes in this house. His attitude completely changes with me , if she comes to visit. Its driving me crazy! I dont find it fair to tell my bro he can not have his girlfriend over when he rightfully pays rent for his room. I have never agreed to her moving in , nor has she moved in, she just stays over for a few nights at a time. My brother was doing great with having her over on weekends only, and my husband stopped but recently she started staying over more often, and of course he started with his comments. I know he has resentment towards me for what happened, but had the room been empty to begin with , and had my husband discussed the situation before hand, I probably would have agreed to them moving in, but that is not the way things were done. BTW i am very glad that my brother ended up staying and they didnt move in, they ended up moving in with my other sister in law and her husband, and lets just say that the drama they have is not one i would like to live with.
My brother just graduated in May , and started a new job, he is planning on moving out by the end of this year, but til then i still have to deal with my husbands behavior and it really takes a toll on me. I just dont know how to get him to stop.
IMO, "I don't want to live with a couple" was the right answer from the start! 6 people in a 3-br. apt? Really?? You're a growing family. I don't think you need any renters at all at this stage of life, unless you're short of monthly income.
Did your husband show no signs of passive-aggressive behavior when you were dating or engaged? Was this a bolt out of the blue? I agree with the above poster, you two need couples counseling. You're getting off to a shaky start as a family. Good luck.
I agree that you and your husband need couples counseling. The behavior of your husband that you described is disturbing. He wants to place his families' needs above your brother's needs, and that is a recipe for an unequal relationship.
paragraphs, couples counseling, and kicking the others out of the apartment so it is just your immediate family. the brothers and sisters can find their own places to live. sorry but they are causing a lot of the issues you are facing, and they need to go.
Stop involving yourself in other people's lives! Take care of your husband and your marriage and let everybody else fend for themselves.
Let me tell you something. When you are divorced and living on the street none of these people are going to lift a finger to help YOU. So worry about yourself, and your marriage and forget all this incredible drama and other people's garbage.
Thanks everyone, sorry for such a long post! He never showed any signs of passive aggressive behavior. I do agree that we need couples counseling, this is not the first time we have this kind of issue with his family. How do I get him to go ?
Thanks everyone, sorry for such a long post! He never showed any signs of passive aggressive behavior. I do agree that we need couples counseling, this is not the first time we have this kind of issue with his family. How do I get him to go ?
You could start by asking him.
"Husband, I really have been struggling with my ability to communicate. I think we could be doing a better job as a couple, and I want us both to feel heard. How would you feel about going to a therapy session with me?"
Your sounds like if he has high blood pressure, or could be senile one day.
Okay Okay Okay I have a great Idea, you and your husband move into the living room, with a fold out couch, and charge both your siblings $500 to seek shelter including electrical, food, and bathroom time. This way you both collect $1000 equally, and just make sure that nobody gets any money back until they move out. You both make a profit, that is fair and square.
Only problem is the landlord being okay with the heartbeats inside the building, Right now you could say, everybody is just hanging out their, but living there is another problem.
I realize some areas are high rent district and all but a new family sharing with all these people?!?!
Sounds like a homeless shelter you are running.
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