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Even the best blended families are a mess. Behind the smiles there's a lot of anguish, aggravation and hard feelings. Not saying people don't have the right to live their lives, but the things adults do because they feel like it, definitely affect the kids.
Our lives nowadays are strange. On the one hand, the kids are allowed to act crazy and get all kinds of material things. On the other hand, why not? After all, their parents are doing anything they want, breaking up families constantly, and introducing into the family people they fall into infatuation with.
I'm a single mom but wouldn't allow a man to have sleep overs with my child in the home. It's very inappropriate to me and pretty much speaks to the stereotype about single parents have a revolving door of suitors. That can mess with a kids mind. I also would never let a man meet my son unless it was very serious and I knew in my heart that he was marriage material and someone that would be a great role model for my son.
On the other hand just because one is a parent does not change that they are human and seek companionship, sex, fun, etc. The key is to do so in a way that does not have any impact on the child's life in anyway unless again that person is a keeper. I don't think that a single parent must opt out of dating until their child is 18. Just be cautious is all I say. I would remarry, and live with the new man I married, with my son, if I met the right man. However in any other situation it's a big no. You can have a sleepover with the man at his house when the kids aren't home.
OK, one thing I have never done in all my years is have a man over while my kids were home. But here I am now officially divorced and living full time with my two kids, 19 and 12. I am thinking of having someone over(night), who they do know. Is that ok? Does it make a difference that they know him? Or is it just bad all around?
If it is okay for their dad, it is okay for you.
Too often, divorced dads get to go on with their lives and form new relationships, while divorced moms are expected to maintain the illusion that they are mothers and nothing else. Both your kids are old enough to understand that while you are their mother, you are also a human being with your own needs as desires for love, sex, companionship, etc. Don't give in to a double standard.
That said, it is probably better that your kids know the man first. I would give the same advice to your ex husband.
I'm a single mom but wouldn't allow a man to have sleep overs with my child in the home. It's very inappropriate to me and pretty much speaks to the stereotype about single parents have a revolving door of suitors. That can mess with a kids mind. I also would never let a man meet my son unless it was very serious and I knew in my heart that he was marriage material and someone that would be a great role model for my son.
On the other hand just because one is a parent does not change that they are human and seek companionship, sex, fun, etc. The key is to do so in a way that does not have any impact on the child's life in anyway unless again that person is a keeper. I don't think that a single parent must opt out of dating until their child is 18. Just be cautious is all I say. I would remarry, and live with the new man I married, with my son, if I met the right man. However in any other situation it's a big no. You can have a sleepover with the man at his house when the kids aren't home.
True, and the same applies to the father of the kids.
If the dad has the kids over, bringing in some woman to sleep with him is definitely a horrific idea.
True, and the same applies to the father of the kids.
If the dad has the kids over, bringing in some woman to sleep with him is definitely a horrific idea.
Why is it "horrific?"
I agree that bringing over someone who the kids don't know, or having a revolving door of paramours, is a bad idea. But why should kids be unaware that their parents are normal human beings with normal human needs? Why should divorced parents create the illusion that they are celibate for their children?
I agree that bringing over someone who the kids don't know, or having a revolving door of paramours, is a bad idea. But why should kids be unaware that their parents are normal human beings with normal human needs? Why should divorced parents create the illusion that they are celibate for their children?
Because it affects children. How would you have wanted your mom or dad to have brought strangers (non-family) to your home to have sex with? Not good at all. If you are a man and want children, you need to understand that your life will no longer be that of a single man, and accept it, or just not have kids. Nothing wrong with being a guy who has no offspring. Then you can bring all the women you want to your bed. Right?
You know, I keep thinking, as I keep hearing how everything "will affect the kids." My parents were loving, upstanding, devout Catholics who stayed together faithfully for 53 years. And now I'm a screw up. Go figure.
Although you are divorced, you are not really "single." The implication of singleness is that you have no one to answer to, and you can do whatever you want--especially in your own home. In your situation, your home is NOT yours alone. You share it with your children. You are their role model; everything you do has a big impact on them. You have to take their needs into consideration. I can assure you that having a man you're not married to stay overnight with you would be traumatic for them.
I don't think it's right to have a man stay overnight when your children are in the house. Your children will lose respect for you and resent the man. Wait until the kids are not around.
I think the only time your children should know there is a man in your bed is if you remarry.
Because it affects children. How would you have wanted your mom or dad to have brought strangers (non-family) to your home to have sex with? Not good at all. If you are a man and want children, you need to understand that your life will no longer be that of a single man, and accept it, or just not have kids. Nothing wrong with being a guy who has no offspring. Then you can bring all the women you want to your bed. Right?
I don't understand that at all.
My parents divorced when I was 6. Both had subsequent relationships of which I was fully aware. Both had long-term romantic partners who would spend the night. Growing up, that taught me my parents were more than just my mommy and daddy. It taught me they were full human beings, with their own wants, needs and desires. It taught me that I was not the center of the universe, that my parents didn't exist solely to cater to my every need. That was a valuable lesson.
Because it affects children. How would you have wanted your mom or dad to have brought strangers (non-family) to your home to have sex with? Not good at all. If you are a man and want children, you need to understand that your life will no longer be that of a single man, and accept it, or just not have kids. Nothing wrong with being a guy who has no offspring. Then you can bring all the women you want to your bed. Right?
They wouldn't be a stranger by the time they are coming over for the night though. Almost every single parent I know that has started dating again first waits until its serious, then introduces the new partner to the children in a slow manner for instance meeting on neutral ground first, like the park, and letting the kid(s) get to know the new partner before there are any overnights.
I think it would be much more traumatic to keep the relationship secret until you decide its marriage/moving in together time and then introduce them to the kid(s) and say hey here's your new stepdad/mum (I know someone who this has happened to, and although it worked out alright in the end it was still a horrible experience at the time)
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