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I'd suggest you be honest with him and tell him you're not all that interested in him yet. You may even feel that you want to date others. If that's the case, don't start a serious relationship if you're not serious.
I have told him I just want to date not be a couple. I explained I am not at that level of commitment yet and I see the hurt in his eyes. I told him that if I am asking to much of him that we can stop seeing or even communicating with each other.
The reason why I say he loves me more is because he talks about his feelings and thoughts and what he wants from our relationship. I only feel like I care about him and his well being I want to see if it becomes more. I think it might but I don't have those feelings yet.
I'd suggest you be honest with him and tell him you're not all that interested in him yet. You may even feel that you want to date others. If that's the case, don't start a serious relationship if you're not serious.
Yes, make sure you let him know upfront that you are not ready for a serious relationship, you don't want one, you're not healed enough for one. And if he continues to be too pushy, you may need to cut him loose.
Yes, make sure you let him know upfront that you are not ready for a serious relationship, you don't want one, you're not healed enough for one. And if he continues to be too pushy, you may need to cut him loose.
^^^ Absolutely. You need to take full control of what you want the relationship to be. Even if you allowed the relationship to move at his pace (and it resulted in being too fast) - it is never too late to state what you want. He may resist, as he's gotten used to the current pace. He may resent it. But, in the end, he needs to respect your wishes.
If he can't do that, it is a bad sign and that selfish streak will rear its ugly head in different areas of your relationship. Easier to cut him loose now.
^^^ Absolutely. You need to take full control of what you want the relationship to be. Even if you allowed the relationship to move at his pace (and it resulted in being too fast) - it is never too late to state what you want. He may resist, as he's gotten used to the current pace. He may resent it. But, in the end, he needs to respect your wishes.
If he can't do that, it is a bad sign and that selfish streak will rear its ugly head in different areas of your relationship. Easier to cut him loose now.
I agree with it be selfish but honestly I feel guilty about not having that level of feelings but I won't be forced into settling or lying about my feelings. I like a lot about him but I just don't have the commitment feeling. Can he go back of is it to late to pull his feelings back? Am I asking to much or shouldI him go. We both didn't plan on meeting someone we just clicked that's why I was willing to just see him and we spent time together.
Even though it's nice to have another body around, and someone to talk to and do things with, it really sounds from everything you've said, like you need to put on the brakes a little.
Someone else said there are people who prey on the vulnerable, whether you feel like it or not, you ARE in that place. Just re-read everything you said and what others' have said and maybe you'll agree.
You have as much right as anyone to state your wants and needs, and if that's being ignored, or if you don't feel comfortable doing that it really says a lot.
I don't know if you've realized this, but not every person that comes your way is meant for you, or the relationship might not be meant for you, or right for you.
Its okay to say no to something that isn't right for you, and when you do,it leaves a possibility for something that IS.
I agree with augie, you need time to learn more about relationships, which is about selection not just being selected.
Since you didn't get a chance to develop your skills now is a good time to do so. Especially when it comes to knowing what your boundaries are (eg: communication styles) and asserting your boundaries (eg: being able to clearly state the pace at which you feel comfortable with the relationship.
If you just go along with it, you may find yourself unhappy in the future and not really able to pinpoint what the issue is...it may be that its just the need to KNOW for sure what you want and be able to speak to that rather than just accepting anything that comes your way because its there.
I've gone on dates and I am not settling for anything that comes my way. He has many great qualities that I like. He's caring, affectionate, listens, asks about my feelings and thoughts, he expresses his feelings , thoughts, he's playful, funniest, honest, romantic, enjoys working out. So he does have his positives.
After 20 years, starting a new relationship is way tough. It certainly can't be rushed. You're learning to live, all over again. Like being in a wheelchair for a long time, and suddenly being able to walk again. Hard to know WHERE to walk to. A new partner can be very hard to get used to. After so much time, learning a new way of interaction takes some doing. The simplest of things just stick out with someone new.
What side of the bed they sleep on.
How they like their coffee in the morning.
How they sleep at night.
Their shower routine.
How they kiss.
TV they like
What foods they like.
On and on , with the little stuff that took you so long to learn with your ex, and have become second nature.
Then, the bigger stuff. Getting to know a new partner sexually. Oh my! That is something indelibly burned into you, , how you have become accustomed to interacting on an intimate level. Suddenly, your on totally unfamiliar ground, with land mines all around you. Everything from just the feel of your new partners body, to how desires are communicated, is all in a code you ha e to learn. It can be VERY intimidating, a d takes huge amounts of patience and understanding from both of you to work out.
So, if this new guy in your life is stepping on the gas, he needs to slow down. If he's not willing to, I would hazard a guess that sex a d sex alone is dominating his motives. IDK, in any certainty, but that thought is at the top of the list. If he doesn't get that 20 years is a long enough time to make old routines and habits and thought processes hard to unlearn or adapt to your new life, he needs to take a long look in the mirror and re evaluate his own thought processes.
Even though it's nice to have another body around, and someone to talk to and do things with, it really sounds from everything you've said, like you need to put on the brakes a little.
Someone else said there are people who prey on the vulnerable, whether you feel like it or not, you ARE in that place. Just re-read everything you said and what others' have said and maybe you'll agree.
You have as much right as anyone to state your wants and needs, and if that's being ignored, or if you don't feel comfortable doing that it really says a lot.
I don't know if you've realized this, but not every person that comes your way is meant for you, or the relationship might not be meant for you, or right for you.
Its okay to say no to something that isn't right for you, and when you do,it leaves a possibility for something that IS.
So because he's to into me and his feelings are to much for me at this time I should just let him go? I don't know example how that goes but I do understand that if he can't allow for my to have ny space and feelings than I can understand letting him go.
Last edited by Hoping4A2ndChance; 06-22-2014 at 11:28 AM..
No, I don't mean you should let him go at all, I mean from your comments it sounds like you want to slow down, but you haven't said so yet.
I don't think that's like letting someone go at all.
I think what I, and the other people have said, in a nutshell, is from our perspective-you need to know yourself what you want and speak openly about it. If he's willing to compromise and slow down to meet what you need then good.
If he isn't then, not so good.
Either way, you and only you know for sure what you want. And only you can really do something about it.
He doesn't sound like a bad guy, but, just that you have intonated that YOU aren't ready yet for the pace that he's going. That doesn't make him bad. It just means you need to be open about where you are with things.
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