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Plenty of people strong in their faith live the way she may have lived I've even know people who were strong in their faith that have murdered, abused children, or raped someone. So to me a person with faith living with 'wrongs' done to them is not uncommon.
Meh to me if church leaders can live raping little children it's not too out there that a youth leader and sunday school teacher could have lived with a sexually abusive relationship. There was possibly low self-esteem and self-blame for her to stay with an abusive guy for so long.
I'm unsure what is there for you to let go with unless you have issue with the idea of her having sexual activity willingly or not in which case it may be suited for you to dump her and seek a virgin.
In this case based on the information posted it sounds like she Willingly engaged in a sexual relationship with an ex and kept at it. Now she is with her "one" and is telling him a different story and that she is ashamed she liked it, because HE is uncomfortable with it. So now the new guy can project all of his anger and awkwardness onto the ex rather than his current lady.
This is very common.
Based on what information? If it's that first she made her past sound like it was completely normal and she happy with him that's not really much evidence considering how denial is seemingly common and many sexual assault victims do not want to report the crime. It's not uncommon for rape victims to lie to themselves about what happened whether it's- s/he deserved it, s/he did something to have this happen (karmic revenge), s/he enjoyed it so it can't be rape, s/he didn't fight hard enough.
I knew a gal who made her family life seem completely normal and happy only for it to be later revealed in her suicide note that she was being sexually assaulted. The reveal wasn't believed until the father started in on the younger daughter who after years told guidance counselors then was forced by her mother to apologize publicly in school and during the apology the daughter showed a videotape of her father raping her
Let me start this out by saying I'm with an amazing and sweet woman who I love very much and I look forward to marrying. We get along really well and have few problems but one of our biggest problems is me struggling with her past. This has gone on for quite some time now and it makes her feel absolutely horrible to the point of hating herself and crying which I do not like to see.
I want to keep this anonymous so I won't go too deep into detail. My fiance is a christian woman who is and always has been involved in the church. She has good morals and tries to live right the best she can. When she was younger she tried some sexual things with a boyfriend of hers out of curiosity and didn't like it but he was a very abusive person and started forcing her and threatening her to get her to keep doing these things. this went on for years and somehow she kept on ending up back with this person who treated her like crap. According to her it was because she didn't see a way out but she hated all of it, she hated the sexual things and being treated like crap but he just kept forcing her and she was terrified of him.
Later I came along and she had just decided to finally leave this person. Whenever I asked about the past or it came up, she made it sound like it was completely normal and she was happy with him but later she came out and told me everything and I can't help but feel like I don't know if she is being honest about things or just pretending like she already did with me. I can understand that it is hard to talk about but it still bothers me. The other thing is I can't seem to stop thinking about all the sexual things she has done with this guy and how it went on for years. I often wonder how can a person so strong in her faith live this way? How can a youth leader and sunday school teacher keep living that way? I see her and sometimes this is the only thing I can think of but it's even worse that it hurts her and brings up painful memories of her past. Is there something wrong with her to stay with an abusive guy for so long and how can I let this go?
I'm gonna tell you something partner and please don't take this the wrong way. Your SO was not forced. She was with this past boyfriend because she wanted to be with him. She went back to him cause she wanted to. She is now fearful of loosing you, so she is telling you what you want to hear. She is fearful of being alone. You, on the other hand are causing her to change who she is sexually and emotionally by not moving past, her past.
You need to get it in your head, she was not "forced' to do the things she did sexually with her old boyfriend, she ENJOYED them! Got it? You could have learned this and stepped up to the plate and learned things she liked. Instead, you "insecured" out and ridiculed and judged her for engaging in sex, in way you are insecure about. Let me guess, she was being dominated and did some things you view as extreme? Am I close? I'll bet I am, well here is a news flash for you. A LOT OF WOMEN fantasize about being dominated sexually. In fact some studies have shown, most women fantasize about this aspect of sex on some level. You were intimidated by this and coerced her into believing she engaged in something bad, instead of learning what she might like and having great sex with her.
As much as some men, and myself used to want to believe, women are not these innocent little budding flowers of naïve sex. They are just as sexual, if not more then us men. They just approach it differently. If your woman was with a man who was dominate sexually and she went back over and over? My suggestion? Learn how to be dominate sexually, learn how to be creative and then blow her mind.
Let me start this out by saying I'm with an amazing and sweet woman who I love very much and I look forward to marrying. We get along really well and have few problems but one of our biggest problems is me struggling with her past. This has gone on for quite some time now and it makes her feel absolutely horrible to the point of hating herself and crying which I do not like to see.
I want to keep this anonymous so I won't go too deep into detail. My fiance is a christian woman who is and always has been involved in the church. She has good morals and tries to live right the best she can. When she was younger she tried some sexual things with a boyfriend of hers out of curiosity and didn't like it but he was a very abusive person and started forcing her and threatening her to get her to keep doing these things. this went on for years and somehow she kept on ending up back with this person who treated her like crap. According to her it was because she didn't see a way out but she hated all of it, she hated the sexual things and being treated like crap but he just kept forcing her and she was terrified of him.
Later I came along and she had just decided to finally leave this person. Whenever I asked about the past or it came up, she made it sound like it was completely normal and she was happy with him but later she came out and told me everything and I can't help but feel like I don't know if she is being honest about things or just pretending like she already did with me. I can understand that it is hard to talk about but it still bothers me. The other thing is I can't seem to stop thinking about all the sexual things she has done with this guy and how it went on for years. I often wonder how can a person so strong in her faith live this way? How can a youth leader and sunday school teacher keep living that way? I see her and sometimes this is the only thing I can think of but it's even worse that it hurts her and brings up painful memories of her past. Is there something wrong with her to stay with an abusive guy for so long and how can I let this go?
We ALL have a past. My girl has one, I have one, and not everything in it is glowing. Leave it in the past, unless its effecting HER stl, and spilling onto you, ghats where it belongs.
Later I came along and she had just decided to finally leave this person.
Whenever I asked about the past or it came up, she made it sound like it was
completely normal and she was happy with him but later she came out and told me
everything and I can't help but feel like I don't know if she is being honest
about things or just pretending like she already did with me. I can understand
that it is hard to talk about but it still bothers me. The other thing is I
can't seem to stop thinking about all the sexual things she has done with this
guy and how it went on for years. I often wonder how can a person so strong in
her faith live this way? How can a youth leader and sunday school teacher keep
living that way? I see her and sometimes this is the only thing I can think of
but it's even worse that it hurts her and brings up painful memories of her
past. Is there something wrong with her to stay with an abusive guy for so long
and how can I let this go?
Being religious makes it easier to understand why she put up with it.
I have a family member who was physically and mentally abused by her husband their entire marriage. They are a couple of the most religious people I know and raised two very religious children.
Her husband finally passed away a few years ago and I've never seen her happier. I would hate to think anyone would continually bring up those hurtful memories.
I'm gonna tell you something partner and please don't take this the wrong way. Your SO was not forced. She was with this past boyfriend because she wanted to be with him. She went back to him cause she wanted to. She is now fearful of loosing you, so she is telling you what you want to hear. She is fearful of being alone. You, on the other hand are causing her to change who she is sexually and emotionally by not moving past, her past.
You need to get it in your head, she was not "forced' to do the things she did sexually with her old boyfriend, she ENJOYED them! Got it? You could have learned this and stepped up to the plate and learned things she liked. Instead, you "insecured" out and ridiculed and judged her for engaging in sex, in way you are insecure about. Let me guess, she was being dominated and did some things you view as extreme? Am I close? I'll bet I am, well here is a news flash for you. A LOT OF WOMEN fantasize about being dominated sexually. In fact some studies have shown, most women fantasize about this aspect of sex on some level. You were intimidated by this and coerced her into believing she engaged in something bad, instead of learning what she might like and having great sex with her.
As much as some men, and myself used to want to believe, women are not these innocent little budding flowers of naïve sex. They are just as sexual, if not more then us men. They just approach it differently. If your woman was with a man who was dominate sexually and she went back over and over? My suggestion? Learn how to be dominate sexually, learn how to be creative and then blow her mind.
Some women and men want to be dominated sexually. That is not the majority of people. If you are going to cite studies, please post links to them. This is not healthy advice to put on a public forum. Women are sexual beings with needs and wants just the same as men. Sometimes people are put in abusive situations and should be believed about it. Sure, a few will lie about it but most will not. Who wants to admit the humiliating and hurtful things that happened to them, unless they are trying to heal.
Last edited by Meyerland; 06-25-2014 at 09:05 AM..
Let me start this out by saying I'm with an amazing and sweet woman who I love very much and I look forward to marrying. We get along really well and have few problems but one of our biggest problems is me struggling with her past. This has gone on for quite some time now and it makes her feel absolutely horrible to the point of hating herself and crying which I do not like to see.
I want to keep this anonymous so I won't go too deep into detail. My fiance is a christian woman who is and always has been involved in the church. She has good morals and tries to live right the best she can. When she was younger she tried some sexual things with a boyfriend of hers out of curiosity and didn't like it but he was a very abusive person and started forcing her and threatening her to get her to keep doing these things. this went on for years and somehow she kept on ending up back with this person who treated her like crap. According to her it was because she didn't see a way out but she hated all of it, she hated the sexual things and being treated like crap but he just kept forcing her and she was terrified of him.
Later I came along and she had just decided to finally leave this person. Whenever I asked about the past or it came up, she made it sound like it was completely normal and she was happy with him but later she came out and told me everything and I can't help but feel like I don't know if she is being honest about things or just pretending like she already did with me. I can understand that it is hard to talk about but it still bothers me. The other thing is I can't seem to stop thinking about all the sexual things she has done with this guy and how it went on for years. I often wonder how can a person so strong in her faith live this way? How can a youth leader and sunday school teacher keep living that way? I see her and sometimes this is the only thing I can think of but it's even worse that it hurts her and brings up painful memories of her past. Is there something wrong with her to stay with an abusive guy for so long and how can I let this go?
The bottom line is that strong relationships are built on love, trust, and communication. I don't know your fiancee. I don't know whether she is telling the truth or not. I don't know why she stayed in an abusive relationship - but lots of women do. But what I do know is that a marriage will not work if you do not trust your partner. So - you need to decide if you can trust her. If you can- then you need to let go of obsessing about her past because the two of you will be building a future together - and that's where your attention should be.
In my experience men or women who obsess over their partners past never get past it. It's like an annoying song that stays in their head and eats away at them. I think you should split up and allow her to find a man who accepts her as she is. It will free you up to find a woman who fits your bill of perfect for you.
Your relationship is over, you just haven't smelled its rotting corpse yet.
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