Have You Ever Experienced Relationship Issues Due to Socioeconomic Background? (dating, Christian)
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Hey everyone, I just wanted to see if anyone else has ever gone through something like this. I'm not looking for advice, although I'm open to it. I'm mostly interested in seeing what other people have done in similar situations and how people feel about dating someone of a different socioeconomic background.
I never put much thought into things like social class before getting married. In fact, I thought the idea of educational and financial differences affecting a marriage were pretty dumb. After a year of marriage I'm feeling pretty ignorant and foolish.
I (24) was financially stable when we became engaged. I had recently graduated with very little debt and had a good paying job. With that being said, I knew all along that I was only going to work for 2 years in order to finish paying off my student loans and to be financially ready for graduate school. A graduate degree is required for the type of career that I want to pursue. My fiancee (22) was a year into her second attempt at getting a degree. This time it was just a 2 year degree. She came from a below poverty single parent household and was living paycheck to paycheck. None of this bothered me, as I was of the belief that love conquers all. We came to the agreement that I would pay for the final year of her college, as well as her student loans from the private university she had previously attended, so that she would have a degree and would be able to support us with a job while I was in graduate school. It seemed like a good idea at the time, I work while she is in school, then she works while I am in school. Only it didn't turn out that way. She failed her next 2 semesters and although I was pretty upset we continued with the wedding as planned. Since my wife's family didn't have any money I ended up paying for the wedding, including hotel rooms for some of her family members and bridesmaids. All in all between the wedding, her tuition, medical bills, and student loans I ended up paying about $25,000.
In retrospect I know I should have postponed the wedding until we were more financially stable or until she graduated. What bothered me most, however, at the time, was that none of her family members or friends ever bothered to say thank you to me for covering all of the expenses. I felt like an idiot for paying for everything and I also felt resentful since no one, including my wife, seemed to appreciate what I saw at the time as a sacrifice for us to take our relationship to the next level.
So, flash forward to the marriage. I had already accepted the graduate assistantship scholarship I had hoped to get, so we moved states away to a small college town immediately after the wedding. My wife, who has had a history of medical problems, got sick and we ended up with a plethora of medical bills before the start of the semester. We ended up selling most of our wedding gifts and other valuables in order to pay the bills. We also ended up dropping down to 1 phone, moving into a smaller apartment (with no furniture), and getting on food stamps. I was absolutely miserable. Although my wife was disappointed, she reminded me that this had happened to her family multiple times growing up and that God would always deliver them.
A year into our marriage and our financial situation has improved. At least now we have furniture, and we don't need food stamps. With that being said, everything that seems to have happened seems to be a microcosm of our relationship as a whole, and more specifically of our career and family goals. My wife is no further ahead in her education and has switched her education/career path multiple times in the past year. Most recently she wants to start having children, as my sister in law is pregnant with their first. She wants to homeschool our kids. I am not anti homeschool but there are a plethora of reasons why I do not want my wife - a highschool and now 2x college dropout - teaching my children. Before we got engaged I made it clear that I wanted at least one of us to be finished with college before we got married and I wanted both of us to be finished before we had children. As I graduate next May my other sister in law (single mother of 2 going back to college) and wife have been talking about our families living together after I graduate and begin my career. I am not against this in theory, but the idea of me financially supporting everyone makes me feel anxious and resentful. They have also discussed my wife homeschooling our nephews to avoid bullying and so that they are educated in a religious environment. I have a huge problem with my wife homeschooling my 11 and 14 year old nephews. I know as an uncle, and non biologically related one at that, it comes down to what their mom wants, but it's wrong on so many levels, and it would also be a further financial strain since homeschooling requires purchasing books etc. that are already free when you go to public school. It would also delay my wife finishing her education and pursuing a career. I suppose I should just come to terms and be happy with my wife being a stay at home mom, though she says she doesn't want to be a stay at home mom, she wants a career and she wants to homeschool. I'm not quite sure how you can do both at the same time and every time we try to talk about it the conversation gets sour quickly. Her career goals go back and forth between being a preschool teacher, getting a PhD and teaching adults about early childhood ed, and opening a health food restaurant.
So as you can see, I feel pressed financially by our situation, and I've become resentful over my wife's lack of direction. I'm also the one who makes sure the bills are paid on time, the car is taken care of, etc. My wife is very sweet and thoughtful, but 90% of our marriage responsibilities lie in my hands and I've grown resentful over it. We both come from a strong background in evangelical Christianity, but for whatever reason, perhaps education, culture, the influence of women in my family, whatever I feel like my wife should be doing more. When I confront her about this she takes it offensively and tells me that I should be more of a man and should be more of a man - something that I felt was so ludicrous that I actually laughed out loud. She told me that she thought I would be happy being a stay at home dad, which is ludicrous but even if it wasn't, so what? She also said that I have unrealistic expectations of how much she should make and that I would be happy if she made more money than me. Before we got married I explained that being able to make $20,000 a year as a preschool teacher would help pay for things while I was in graduate school. Somewhere along the line I mentioned casually that she should shoot for $30,000 with what she was studying and this came up in our argument. My wife thinks that $30,000 is a lot of money, something which absolutely floored me.
Finances are not the only issue. There are times when I have nothing to say to my wife because she won't understand, and it will intimidate her or annoy me to have to explain. She often feels left out of conversations. At Bible study we met a girl who had moved from Chicago, the conversation quickly went over her head as we began laughing about Blagojevich and the general crooked nature of Chicago and Illinois politics. Later that night my wife chastised me and told me that she doesn't want me having conversations with any woman who is not related to me even though it was obvious that I wasn't flirting since I had my arm around my wife the whole time. When someone mentioned that they had been a missionary in Latin America my wife's response was, "Oooo that sounds fun! Where's Latin America?" I'm tired of explaining everything and sometimes I just feel so alone.
When we were dating this rarely was an issue. Although she grew up poor she grew up in a wealthy, cultured northern suburb, where as I grew up middle class in a small town in the south; so we were actually on equal footing in terms of culture, manners, social skills, etc. just completely mismatched in education and work ethic - things that didn't come out until later. Sometimes when we are doing mindless things or out on dates like when we weren't married I forget all of this. She has a great personality and we get along amazingly well when doing mindless things, but as I'm sure many of you know, 99% of marriage isn't taking a walk in the park with froyo or enjoying the evening at a comedy club. And for that 99% of the time I feel overwhelmed, underappreciated, and not understood. One of the things that really brought us together while we were dating was our faith. I seriously admired her patience and trust in God, but as time has gone by in our marriage I have begun to believe that she was just comfortable being poor and that things never seemed tough for her because she was simply used to it.
Lately, after doing a lot of reading, I've come to the conclusion that I believe in evolution; which is not to imply that I no longer believe in God but it does mean that I no longer hold to a strictly literal interpretation of the Bible. I have tried to bring the discussion up, but it goes nowhere and I get stonewalled. I am going to have to be completely blunt about this, and it's going to suck because this is a huge deal for her. I feel really foolish, like we weren't completely grown up yet and set in our beliefs and goals before we got married; and I am really surprised at how much our backgrounds have influenced our marriage.
Has anyone else been through a similar ordeal? BTW I am using the term socio economic background loosely. I do not mean to imply that just because someone dropped out of highschool that they will be poor or ill mannered (my wife certainly isn't), etc.
Yes, because it was hard to overcome such a deep divide. ( I was the one doing all the work)
I was firmly middle class and I started working at age 12 babysitting nights, weekends, and summers and saving my money. At 16 I got a part time job as a cashier and kept babysitting. I spent 800$ on a car that was reliable with no AC, power steering, and an AM radio. ( this was in the early nineties)
My high school boyfriend grew up incredibly poor and they would have to hunt/garden for their food. He barely worked after high school and blew all his money on a gas guzzling flashy new truck. If he got any money it was spent just as fast.
He was embarrassed by his family so he didn't introduce me until we were together for a year.
I hit the part about her saying be more of a man and it was doing a buck 20 into a wall with no seatbelt. If I didn't know better, tying, everything else together with that Ida swore he was talking about my ex, and I KNOW how that ended. Lol. So, I can't offer much.
There's a lot here. You both come from different backgrounds, and need to approach it from both perspectives. I understand both sides, and I get the frustration.
One of the things that *needs* to be discussed at length before marriage is expectations and desires for each individual and the family unit. That means, both parties need to discuss what role they're comfortable taking on and vice versa. If you were raised in one background and culture where there is pressure for women to uphold a specific role, and she in another, there may be conflict.
When my first husband and I married we were both part of a very, very conservative evangelical ideology. We both came from similar backgrounds and had similar expectations for each person's role. My role, as a strict and literal interpretation, was to take care of the home and children. It was and remains to be a common principle within many conservative and fundamentalist Christian circles. It was what we agreed upon. (also, secular education was frowned upon, so high education was limited to Bible colleges, and this "training" was also meant to prepare a woman for home and church duties)
It also made financial sense for me to stay home because child care expenses for 2+ children can be quite high, eating up 3/4 or more of one's paycheck depending on the region/area. I also wanted to stay at home. I saw tremendous value in staying home during their formative years, but there were times I missed working and missed being around adults. Still, it isn't something I would change. My then husband and I agreed that once the kids were older and he was more settled in his career, I could return to school and formally pursue my education. In any case, we made our situation work for us. We were on the same page on every major area.
Also, you touch on another important matter, which is common in many younger couples. Things that didn't matter earlier on when you were dating start to matter *a lot* later on. You may start to feel like you no longer connect on certain issues, where you views begin to diverge on things, and this can create conflict. This is especially true in many cases of couples who were raised in a pretty religious household, and then later one party begins to develop new understandings and beliefs, oftentimes at the discouragement of the other partner.
I won't say this to alarm you, but my first husband and I left ended up leaving the Church. We came to different conclusions than the ones we previously accepted and believed in, and this led us down a different path, one where our paths ended up going in different directions. I will say this, had he not also came to similar conclusions, it would have been extremely difficult in the long run. I was never one to shy away from controversial or hot button issues. I tackle them no problem. I don't avoid them, especially when they're important, and certain, actually, a number of these issues, could not have simply been "ignored" for the sake of keeping peace.
For instance, the issue of evolution (not to be mistaken with abiogenesis), would have been a complete deal-breaker in the end because if he was hell bent on espousing creationist views it would have greatly conflicted with the way I wanted information presented to our children. I didn't want them ignorant of science, which I was until I hit 22. The whole "we came from monkeys" nonsense. There was a certain way I wanted our children to be raised that if he remained a conservative evangelical Christian/Baptist, it would have made for a lot of conflict. If he had been resistant to new information it would have made for conflict. Luckily, he was a closet skeptic, so it didn't take much at all for him to renounce his religious presuppositions.
You have to decide whether that dynamic and perhaps conflict could become an issue with your wife. Think about how you want your children to be raised. Does it conflict with her desires and beliefs. Take time to review what it is you want, your goals, dreams, desires, and discuss them with her in a neutral way. See whether you two are on a similar page. If not, you have a lot to think about.
Unfortunately for men, we are brought up to protect and provide. And many times, we try to find a woman, who we can resurrect, it's almost as if we feel more manly the more we need to help. It makes us feel purpose to take on big projects, since successfully completing them brings self pride<<<notice self.
Because I have experienced what you describe, I can only offer one piece of advice and that is, You can't leave fast enough. Don't waste the money on therapists, because hearing a therapist say she needs to work, doesn't mean she will do it. All it does is temporarily validate that you aren't bad, or imagining things. Relationships take work, but it takes both people to do the work, and it shouldn't encompass the majority of your life. There are far better choices out there, then to stay with her. The longer you stay, the longer it will be before you will be able to regain your "self", if you are living a life of one sided compromise, then you are losing your identity slowly. Cut the ties, separate your assets, and no matter how hard it may be in the beginning, you will be surprised how quickly you will recover. Even if the recovery seems like its too much......
He wants to go to grad school and his wife has flunked out of undergrad and wants to start having kids. Also, she wants to homeschool them but she is shockingly ignorant about basic stuff. They have different ideas about life trajectory, upward mobility, etc.
Confession: I did not read it all, but skimmed.
OP, marriage is about building a life together. It sounds like you don't feel your wife wants the same type of life that you do, and maybe you do not want it with her. Don't have kids until you are sure. Maybe you married too quickly.
We went to talked to 2 different pastors as marriage counselors during the first 9 months of our marriage as things were very difficult. Communication was heavily emphasized and we were given several books to read. Ironically communication was one strong point of our dating relationship. We were able to clearly express how we viewed the world - we just never went in depth about expectations. I did specify that I did not want to get married if one of us wasn't finished with school and that I would not be happy with having kids before we were both done with school. I am being very careful right now so as not to get her pregnant. I know she wants a baby.
We also talked about communication extensively in premarital counseling but very little about goals. In fact, it was heavily advised not to ask the other partner to change but to accept each other as is. In some ways this is good advice, but in some ways it is awful advice. I had some concerns with her failing semesters while I was paying for her school, but my pastor said that I shouldn't make demands and that I should never try to change my wife. That should have been a redflag to postpone the wedding, but instead it was interpreted as be more accepting.
Communication doesn't change who you are and what you want. That's the biggest issue. I am going to have to tell my wife about my new beliefs (it's been a few months coming) about evolution and biblical literalism. I know she wants to teach our children about creationism. At this moment I am ok as long as they hear both sides but I know she will be completely against any mention of evolution in our household. Even more reason to be careful about pregnancy at the moment.
Quote:
Originally Posted by NilaJones
He wants to go to grad school and his wife has flunked out of undergrad and wants to start having kids. Also, she wants to homeschool them but she is shockingly ignorant about basic stuff. They have different ideas about life trajectory, upward mobility, etc.
Confession: I did not read it all, but skimmed.
OP, marriage is about building a life together. It sounds like you don't feel your wife wants the same type of life that you do, and maybe you do not want it with her. Don't have kids until you are sure. Maybe you married too quickly.
Yes, I feel like we married too quickly. My wife said that God gave her a sign (long story) that we should be together. I didn't immediately propose based on that alone, but we were already dating at that point, and I definitely considered it when I decided to propose. With that being said, my wife also thought she had a sign from God that she was going to die if we didn't go to the emergency room. She thought her spleen had ruptured. It ended up being a panic attack and a $1400 bill. Thank God we can afford health insurance now. In regards to gradschool, I'm half way done. I graduate next May and I can't wait to start working again.
This is not about socioeconomic background. It just sounds like you didn't know your wife very well before marrying her. How can you not tell her relative intelligence during your relationship before marriage? What did you guys do all the time?
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