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We're talking about dating here... we're dealing with possible future
The way it reads now.. we're supposed to just not say **** about personal stuff...
Let me put it another way. Anyone can log on to a dating site and make up a fake or real profile and start looking at other people's profiles. That person is *a complete stranger* to me. So why should I put the number and ages of my children out where anyone can see them? That information is only the business of someone I actually choose to get to know and date.
of course not ! lying is the best policy ! eventually you will be exposed as such . so you doom a possible future from the beginning. I mean , why tell the truth when you can lie , right ?
of course not ! lying is the best policy ! eventually you will be exposed as such . so you doom a possible future from the beginning. I mean , why tell the truth when you can lie , right ?
Huh? If a person's profile says they have children, it's safe to assume there are more than 1, but it's not lying to keep the information about the actual number of kids, their ages or genders off the dating profile. "Children" is all the information you need to know when perusing other people's profiles.
Let me put it another way. Anyone can log on to a dating site and make up a fake or real profile and start looking at other people's profiles. That person is *a complete stranger* to me. So why should I put the number and ages of my children out where anyone can see them? That information is only the business of someone I actually choose to get to know and date.
I guess I'm being dense on this, but I still can't get why man or woman, doesn't matter, why they wouldn't just say up front, I got X amount of children, not even ages or genders, just "x" amount.
You say it's not the business of someone until you choose to get to know and date. I get that to a degree.
What about a person's business that decides that maybe they don't want to choose to date you knowing you got more kids than they want to get involved with.
I don't mean this to be harsh, I'm just saying in a practical world a single person with no kids might not want to get involved with someone with 3 or 4 kids.... wouldn't it just save everyone time upfront??
I'm really not trying to offend anyone here.
I guess I'm sort of thinking of it as someone who doesn't want to date a smoker, I see an online ad, looks good we get to talking or whatever things seem ok and then upon meeting, you seen them reach over and blaze up a ciggie and ciggie's aren't your thing.
I know smoking isn't the same, but you see what I'm talking about?? If everyone puts it out there, you could save yourself some time.
I'm getting the feeling that people aren't being intellectually honest here.
I guess I'm being dense on this, but I still can't get why man or woman, doesn't matter, why they wouldn't just say up front, I got X amount of children, not even ages or genders, just "x" amount.
You say it's not the business of someone until you choose to get to know and date. I get that to a degree.
What about a person's business that decides that maybe they don't want to choose to date you knowing you got more kids than they want to get involved with.
I don't mean this to be harsh, I'm just saying in a practical world a single person with no kids might not want to get involved with someone with 3 or 4 kids.... wouldn't it just save everyone time upfront??
I'm really not trying to offend anyone here.
I guess I'm sort of thinking of it as someone who doesn't want to date a smoker, I see an online ad, looks good we get to talking or whatever things seem ok and then upon meeting, you seen them reach over and blaze up a ciggie and ciggie's aren't your thing.
I know smoking isn't the same, but you see what I'm talking about?? If everyone puts it out there, you could save yourself some time.
I'm getting the feeling that people aren't being intellectually honest here.
I see what you're saying, and I agree that it can act as a filter for many if their max is a certain number of children. I guess for some it would be one of those issues they feel they're being judged on or where assumptions are made by listing such information. By the same token, should one disclose how many baby mamas/daddies they have in the picture, whether they were born in wedlock as opposed to outside of wedlock?
Listing such information can be a positive in the sense that it would hopefully filter out people who find this a deal-breaker, thus preventing a huge waste of time should that information not be disclosed until later in conversation. If a person's max is two and the individual has three, but it's not disclosed in the profile, and not revealed in conversation until a few days later, well, it was a waste of time for both of them. And, while it may happen on occasion, where someone sets aside their criteria for a rare gem, it isn't a common occurrence. The vast majority are pretty set about such things.
In any case, my profile stated that I have children. I didn't even think to disclose how many or their ages. There were men who inquired about quantity/ages after an exchange of so many messages, and some of them were childless. I knew that for the vast majority of childless men, more than one is too many, so I wasn't unrealistic about my expectations, because I didn't have any.
There was one guy, in his mid 40's, who had previously contacted me in the past, and I didn't respond to his message. So, he being upset, decided to message me again and in the process showed just how much of an a$$hat he is. Basically, he asked how many Marine baby daddies I have, because there's a common stereotype of women being tag chasers in heavily populated military cities, sometimes younger women, who bounce from one military guy to the next. He must have not read in my profile that I have one baby daddy, my first husband, whom I was with for 10 years. So, yeah... that's some dumba$$ery right there.
I see what you're saying, and I agree that it can act as a filter for many if their max is a certain number of children. I guess for some it would be one of those issues they feel they're being judged on or where assumptions are made by listing such information. By the same token, should one disclose how many baby mamas/daddies they have in the picture, whether they were born in wedlock as opposed to outside of wedlock?
Listing such information can be a positive in the sense that it would hopefully filter out people who find this a deal-breaker, thus preventing a huge waste of time should that information not be disclosed until later in conversation. If a person's max is two and the individual has three, but it's not disclosed in the profile, and not revealed in conversation until a few days later, well, it was a waste of time for both of them. And, while it may happen on occasion, where someone sets aside their criteria for a rare gem, it isn't a common occurrence. The vast majority are pretty set about such things.
In any case, my profile stated that I have children. I didn't even think to disclose how many or their ages. There were men who inquired about quantity/ages after an exchange of so many messages, and some of them were childless. I knew that for the vast majority of childless men, more than one is too many, so I wasn't unrealistic about my expectations, because I didn't have any.
There was one guy, in his mid 40's, who had previously contacted me in the past, and I didn't respond to his message. So, he being upset, decided to message me again and in the process showed just how much of an a$$hat he is. Basically, he asked how many Marine baby daddies I have, because there's a common stereotype of women being tag chasers in heavily populated military cities, sometimes younger women, who bounce from one military guy to the next. He must have not read in my profile that I have one baby daddy, my first husband, whom I was with for 10 years. So, yeah... that's some dumba$$ery right there.
That's all I'm trying to say, it saves everyone grief upfront, if 2 is someone's limit, for whatever reason, they should at least know that upfront, again, this save time and hurt feelings, this benefits both parties, that's why I can see why it should be known upfront. I would think if a person has three kids, puts it out there, not even gender or ages, that keeps getting mentioned somehow, I personally never said anything about those level of details, just "x" amount, if said person still contacts you it would seem like it's not a deal breaker and things could move forward, possibly.
Of course there are flakes and people can go back and still throw it in your face, but the chances of a normal average Joe/Jane doing that would be somewhat slim.
At any rate, I personally would list the amount of children I had, I would really **** me off if I met a woman online and things were great only for her to dump me finding out I had more kids than she wanted to deal with.
Because the real deal is that you're getting a package deal, and people need to know up front what that package consists of.
I know that some say it shouldn't matter in the course of casual dating, but what if things get serious and there is a real spark, wouldn't it be a major let down to then have it end cause the other party didn't anticipate the level of responsibility that 3 or 4 kids brings???
That's all I'm trying to say, it saves everyone grief upfront, if 2 is someone's limit, for whatever reason, they should at least know that upfront, again, this save time and hurt feelings, this benefits both parties, that's why I can see why it should be known upfront. I would think if a person has three kids, puts it out there, not even gender or ages, that keeps getting mentioned somehow, I personally never said anything about those level of details, just "x" amount, if said person still contacts you it would seem like it's not a deal breaker and things could move forward, possibly.
Of course there are flakes and people can go back and still throw it in your face, but the chances of a normal average Joe/Jane doing that would be somewhat slim.
At any rate, I personally would list the amount of children I had, I would really **** me off if I met a woman online and things were great only for her to dump me finding out I had more kids than she wanted to deal with.
Because the real deal is that you're getting a package deal, and people need to know up front what that package consists of.
I know that some say it shouldn't matter in the course of casual dating, but what if things get serious and there is a real spark, wouldn't it be a major let down to then have it end cause the other party didn't anticipate the level of responsibility that 3 or 4 kids brings???
Yep. I see what you're saying. If I were still in the dating scene I could see adding that extra detail as to avoid wasting my or someone else's time if three kids is a deal-breaker. It's unrealistic to believe that if you meet someone whose max is two kids and you have more (but fail to disclose that early on), that they're suddenly going to reconsider their position if something develops. While it may happen in some situations, it is unlikely to be the case in the majority.
For my husband, he was childless, and I have three. I don't even think the topic of quantity and ages came up until our first phone conversation the evening we exchanged messages. The topic of children was a big one for me, and I made it known, wanting to make sure it wasn't an issue for him. His ex had two kids, teen girls, but my kids, three, are considerably younger. He's just one of the rare types that wasn't phased by it. He's worked with kids, young kids, throughout his adult life, and was comfortable with the dynamic.
Yep. I see what you're saying. If I were still in the dating scene I could see adding that extra detail as to avoid wasting my or someone else's time if three kids is a deal-breaker. It's unrealistic to believe that if you meet someone whose max is two kids and you have more (but fail to disclose that early on), that they're suddenly going to reconsider their position if something develops. While it may happen in some situations, it is unlikely to be the case in the majority.
For my husband, he was childless, and I have three. I don't even think the topic of quantity and ages came up until our first phone conversation the evening we exchanged messages. The topic of children was a big one for me, and I made it known, wanting to make sure it wasn't an issue for him. His ex had two kids, teen girls, but my kids, three, are considerably younger. He's just one of the rare types that wasn't phased by it. He's worked with kids, young kids, throughout his adult life, and was comfortable with the dynamic.
That's great that things worked out so well. I like hearing positive stories, so much negativity here in this forum.
Good question. On one hand, guys have a right to know, but at the same time, women need to be careful of pedophiles out there. Maybe meeting for coffee and discussing it further is a fair solution?
Women have a right to know as well. It would be a dealbrealer for me if a man has teenagers or younger kids.
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