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Doesn't seem like they are regretting losing you if they just keep pulling the same thing over and over again.
My crush was like that, he would disappear for months on end, and come back out of the blue. I think he is gone for good this time, but it didn't stop it from hurting. At this point I kind of lost my desire to form a bond with anyone else, I don't even think I can.
I think it's a flaw when people start taking advantage of what they have. In some cases it's an honest mistake and when that person is gone, they end up regretting it 100x's over. In this case, seems like the guy is just keeping around until something better comes along.
An employee will initially work assiduously, to create a good first impression upon being hired. He/she will then gradually slack off, eventually doing as little as possible, until reprimanded by management, or until there's reason to believe that censure is imminent. He/she will then accelerate the pace until the danger passes, before slacking off again, and so forth.
A student will initially work hard, studying and taking notes. But then the material becomes complicated or boring, distractions abound, and the student slacks off… until there's threat of failing the class. Then the student resumes hitting the books.
A new arrival to a neighborhood will mow the lawn and trim the bushes, but gradually will slack off, letting the weeds proliferate and neglecting the appearance of his house, until receiving a nasty letter in his mailbox from the homeowners' association, threatening community action. Then he undertakes a spasm of grounds-maintenance, forestalling a fine, before again slacking off, repeating the cycle.
Why should a romantic relationship be any different?
After the initial connection is established, our guard is dropped, our enthusiasm attenuates, we become more self-interested and less deferential towards our partners. Eventually the partner becomes annoyed, and if we are wise, we improve our ways. If we are unwise or oblivious, said partner takes drastic action, leaving us…. And only then do we realized what happened, much to our regret.
Some would call this "taking for granted", labeling such behavior as despicable and proper cause for ending the relationship. I disagree completely. It is perfectly natural to take for granted one's partner's affection. Why always be on one's toes? I want a partner who would tolerate my taking her for granted, and who would take me for granted. I don't want a partner who expects sustained affection and deference as precondition for remaining with me.
Mmmm...this is an old song. One that both men and women sing a lot around their respective camp fires. Lol. The tactic is described under various colorful phrases, absence makes the heart grow fonder, treat em' mean..keep em' keen, etc etc, a d stretching onward...Only people in love can ever treat each other so damnably.
An employee will initially work assiduously, to create a good first impression upon being hired. He/she will then gradually slack off, eventually doing as little as possible, until reprimanded by management, or until there's reason to believe that censure is imminent. He/she will then accelerate the pace until the danger passes, before slacking off again, and so forth.
A student will initially work hard, studying and taking notes. But then the material becomes complicated or boring, distractions abound, and the student slacks off… until there's threat of failing the class. Then the student resumes hitting the books.
A new arrival to a neighborhood will mow the lawn and trim the bushes, but gradually will slack off, letting the weeds proliferate and neglecting the appearance of his house, until receiving a nasty letter in his mailbox from the homeowners' association, threatening community action. Then he undertakes a spasm of grounds-maintenance, forestalling a fine, before again slacking off, repeating the cycle.
Why should a romantic relationship be any different?
After the initial connection is established, our guard is dropped, our enthusiasm attenuates, we become more self-interested and less deferential towards our partners. Eventually the partner becomes annoyed, and if we are wise, we improve our ways. If we are unwise or oblivious, said partner takes drastic action, leaving us…. And only then do we realized what happened, much to our regret.
Some would call this "taking for granted", labeling such behavior as despicable and proper cause for ending the relationship. I disagree completely. It is perfectly natural to take for granted one's partner's affection. Why always be on one's toes? I want a partner who would tolerate my taking her for granted, and who would take me for granted. I don't want a partner who expects sustained affection and deference as precondition for remaining with me.
Good point.
I suppose it's easy to mistake this "comfort" for "indifference."
I think it might have to do with WHERE in the relationship you are. SOme of that "game playing" (intentional or not) definitely is more powerful in the earlier stages of a relationship. I think in an established relationship, where negative patterns have been set, there may be a knee jerk reaction of improvement, but maybe instead, just relief that things are finally over.
Human nature is a strange thing though. No matter how mature we are, I think there is something about wanting what you can't really have...
there is a lonely/desperation aspect to this, who is playing offense, and who is the recipient/one getting dumped
its over rated, but at the times, it seems that all that matters-
we are strange creatures, 90% of this dynamic is caused by a void of communications, suddenly we feel threatened,
of being alone,,of what will everyone think, or is their really something wrong with me??
in reality,, its betrayal,, their goes someone that was very intimate with you, knows some of your closest secrets, their goes a part of you with him/her, of course theirs going to be a void- and us,,most of us with type A personalities want the hurt gone and it fixed right now- but its a timely process. and we are impatient,,
but if we bury the hurt/pain, not let it go,,,what happens?? if you starts a new relationship- and you start to liking the other, then red flags are everywhere, you get scared, because you are tapping into the undealt pains of the past.
right now, we are the sum total of all of lifes experience before us,,, and most of us have not let go of our baggage,,,we are like cars in a demolition derby, getting hit by others, and eventually it wears us down, we go on un-repaired
so,,, with all the technologies, youtubes, videos, social media,,,,their must be some break up therapies -only a click away
my sister once,,,to get over a guy that hurt her,,,had a little ceremony- she burnt one of his shirts, had a big cry and was over it..... ultimately she forgave him, as to not carry around any more ill-feelings
its weird, every relationship is so much chemistry based- you mix the two personalities, and its always, always a different mix than from anyone else before
there is a lonely/desperation aspect to this, who is playing offense, and who is the recipient/one getting dumped
its over rated, but at the times, it seems that all that matters-
we are strange creatures, 90% of this dynamic is caused by a void of communications, suddenly we feel threatened,
of being alone,,of what will everyone think, or is their really something wrong with me??
in reality,, its betrayal,, their goes someone that was very intimate with you, knows some of your closest secrets, their goes a part of you with him/her, of course theirs going to be a void- and us,,most of us with type A personalities want the hurt gone and it fixed right now- but its a timely process. and we are impatient,,
but if we bury the hurt/pain, not let it go,,,what happens?? if you starts a new relationship- and you start to liking the other, then red flags are everywhere, you get scared, because you are tapping into the undealt pains of the past.
right now, we are the sum total of all of lifes experience before us,,, and most of us have not let go of our baggage,,,we are like cars in a demolition derby, getting hit by others, and eventually it wears us down, we go on un-repaired
so,,, with all the technologies, youtubes, videos, social media,,,,their must be some break up therapies -only a click away
my sister once,,,to get over a guy that hurt her,,,had a little ceremony- she burnt one of his shirts, had a big cry and was over it..... ultimately she forgave him, as to not carry around any more ill-feelings
its weird, every relationship is so much chemistry based- you mix the two personalities, and its always, always a different mix than from anyone else before
Well...this is one of the most refreshingly candid &
insightful posts I've seen in this forum in recent days
mainebrokerman, you've restored my hope that this forum can be worth reading
Anyone find this true? My wise BFF told me years ago that men who are meh with you (or actual jerks) suddenly become dreamboats when you decide to leave them. I find it weird because if they give you a reason to breakup why "suddenly" do they want to change things? Often there is no choice but to leave someone.
Lately I found that true and I dont like it
I was seeing a man casually who is emotionally unavailable and whether he means to or not he hurts me a lot with his wishy washy behavior. To avoid pain, I tried to end things. "Suddenly" I am awesome and he can't let me go. Guess what? NOTHING changed, not really, except for maybe a week. (I have very strong feelings for him, it isnt an emotion thing it is he isnt into me and/or bad timing. I also see no future with or without feelings. Hurt now or hurt later? That is the question). We could work on things if he were willing and perhaps I would stick around, gawd knows my heart wants to.
Now enter LDR from 1-2 years ago. We had been friends for years and then it escalated into a romance. He is a good match for me and I do see him long term/marriage good for me overall. I left him not because I didnt enjoy our mature relationship I left him because he was a bad bf over something very important (and I knew he would not be a good LT choice at that time). He didnt seem too fazed about it at the time, I suspected he dated other people, and we still talked the majority of the days of the week. He still had most of me but not my heart is perhaps his perception.
Welll.....with Mr Unavailable and a beating to my self esteem I am just sick of trying to please men who arent worth the time so i told Mr. LDR I didnt want to talk to him anymore. What do you know? Within a month he is contacting me with travel arrangements and our convos have turned into deeper talks and I think he wants to make a real go on commitment. I am open to see where this goes.
I'm annoyed we cant just be genuine and live and treat ppl well all the time OR pursue more if that is what your heart and mind want. It is hard and painful for me to leave people so giving a boomerang of false hope is just mean. Generally I am straighforward, there is not a lot of mystery with me. I also am either in all the way or not in at all after a certain point. Keeping ppl on the hook for my amusement or backup or whatever is just plain weird to me (most because I dont enjoy spending time with ppl i would be using and ones I dont care about. What a drag.)
Anyway Ladies...want to turn your man into a dream? Then leave him
I'm watching this happen with a friend of mine. After 4 years of living with a guy with whom she was enduring cheating and bad treatment, she finally got the nerve to end it. Her family and friends have been asking her to get rid of him for years. Now that she's boxed her items and has found a place, suddenly he wants to try it again, suddenly it's flowers, it's invitations out to dinner, it's him staying home every day, him calling her a lot, and so on. Hopefully she won't give in and stay with him. I suspect he'll start the cheating and bad treatment all over again.
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