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After the seperation and end of my last marriage I was so angry and devastated I wanted to get out and date to prove something. It must have been to prove that I was a desireable partner, etc. etc.
It was a good thing I lived in a rural area, and with my two very young kids (4 and 6 at the time) I didn't have time or access to dating.
The first two years were hard, I constantly thought about the dissapointment, and my interpretation of what he had done, and what turmoil it caused us, and how I missed a lot of the things about intimacy and relationships.
But, at the end of two years I started dating a guy who turned out to be a total psycho. Weeks after ending the relationship I was standing in my driveway so he couldn't pull in shouting at him to go away and not come back and threatening to call the police. I had to do that because he was still coming by my place uninvited and trying to threaten me back into something.
I wouldn't want to see anyone else have to go through something that crazy.
And when you open your doors and your heart to other people there is that potential. Wouldn't you rather be coming from a place of being strong in yourself so you don't end up attracting someone like that? Someone who is preying on the vulnerability and sadness of a single mom.
And beleive me, my kids haven't forgotten this guy either. Whoever you let into your life, you are letting into theirs too.
Better to make sure by taking a very long time to get emotionally invulnerable and provide all the love and attention your kids need from you for a while.
Its been a long time for me, but I can say I haven't had to put my kids through the hell of losing another dad, or myself.
I don't feel needy anymore, and I'm not vulnerable at all.
I'm so used to taking care of us that I don't even think about it much.
You may think from your perspective that this sounds depressing, I think if I looked at my situation 7 years ago, I would have been depressed. But thats life, you make sacrifices and you delay gratification for the greater good of the whole.
For the benefit of your kids emotional health and your emotional health in the long run.
When you're single you don't have someone elses crap to deal with, and you get to make the choices that YOU think are important without someone around to push you into what they want, or what they see you as being or not being. You get to be yourself.
After the seperation and end of my last marriage I was so angry and devastated I wanted to get out and date to prove something. It must have been to prove that I was a desireable partner, etc. etc.
It was a good thing I lived in a rural area, and with my two very young kids (4 and 6 at the time) I didn't have time or access to dating.
The first two years were hard, I constantly thought about the dissapointment, and my interpretation of what he had done, and what turmoil it caused us, and how I missed a lot of the things about intimacy and relationships.
But, at the end of two years I started dating a guy who turned out to be a total psycho. Weeks after ending the relationship I was standing in my driveway so he couldn't pull in shouting at him to go away and not come back and threatening to call the police. I had to do that because he was still coming by my place uninvited and trying to threaten me back into something.
I wouldn't want to see anyone else have to go through something that crazy.
And when you open your doors and your heart to other people there is that potential. Wouldn't you rather be coming from a place of being strong in yourself so you don't end up attracting someone like that? Someone who is preying on the vulnerability and sadness of a single mom.
And beleive me, my kids haven't forgotten this guy either. Whoever you let into your life, you are letting into theirs too.
Better to make sure by taking a very long time to get emotionally invulnerable and provide all the love and attention your kids need from you for a while.
Its been a long time for me, but I can say I haven't had to put my kids through the hell of losing another dad, or myself.
I don't feel needy anymore, and I'm not vulnerable at all.
I'm so used to taking care of us that I don't even think about it much.
You may think from your perspective that this sounds depressing, I think if I looked at my situation 7 years ago, I would have been depressed. But thats life, you make sacrifices and you delay gratification for the greater good of the whole.
For the benefit of your kids emotional health and your emotional health in the long run.
When you're single you don't have someone elses crap to deal with, and you get to make the choices that YOU think are important without someone around to push you into what they want, or what they see you as being or not being. You get to be yourself.
There is a lot of wisdom, hard learned obviously, in this post. I hope it helps her!
So sorry for what you went through, but so proud of you for all you have learned.
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