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When you say "we are thinking" (about marriage) does this mean you two have discussed this or that you think you know what he is thinking?
Because unless you two have seriously discussed marriage plans, this is all in your head no matter if he flirts with you across the aisle or not.
You said you have grown kids, so were you married before?
Yes I have been married before, I am 45 Years old.
And we have both prayed about marriage and believe that we are meant for each other...up until last night he behaved as though we were already married...and I was under the distinct impression that he knew my name!!!
Yes he flirts with me, calls me baby (when no one else is within earshot) His family is also in the church and have begun to (put me through the love meter) you know, gotta make sure of my intentions, if I am gonna treat him right, they are pretty close knit and he is the youngest sibling...etc.
Personally, now that I have slept on it...I think he was getting back at me for telling him I thought I was wasting my time on him. (he has a temper and it shows in his facial expressions)
I was trying to apologize last night, because as one of my other brothers put it, every couple has their squabbles and fights, the thing is that somebody has got to be humble...both parties cannot insist on being right. My brother also told me, that it takes years for a couple to come together as one in all things...and there are gonna be ups and downs.
My previous marriage was when I was very young, and not a Christian...it doesn't even factor in my mind, if I count what I learned from that marriage...I learned zero.
So a real marriage, is a brand new deal for me, I am learning for the first time, what it truly takes to have a good marriage.
Since I have been a Christian longer than he has...and I truly love him, and I really want to make up, I chose to be the humble one and go to him.
Yes I have been married before, I am 45 Years old.
And we have both prayed about marriage and believe that we are meant for each other...up until last night he behaved as though we were already married...and I was under the distinct impression that he knew my name!!!
Yes he flirts with me, calls me baby (when no one else is within earshot) His family is also in the church and have begun to (put me through the love meter) you know, gotta make sure of my intentions, if I am gonna treat him right, they are pretty close knit and he is the youngest sibling...etc.
Personally, now that I have slept on it...I think he was getting back at me for telling him I thought I was wasting my time on him. (he has a temper and it shows in his facial expressions)
I was trying to apologize last night, because as one of my other brothers put it, every couple has their squabbles and fights, the thing is that somebody has got to be humble...both parties cannot insist on being right. My brother also told me, that it takes years for a couple to come together as one in all things...and there are gonna be ups and downs.
My previous marriage was when I was very young, and not a Christian...it doesn't even factor in my mind, if I count what I learned from that marriage...I learned zero.
So a real marriage, is a brand new deal for me, I am learning for the first time, what it truly takes to have a good marriage.
Since I have been a Christian longer than he has...and I truly love him, and I really want to make up, I chose to be the humble one and go to him.
Just because a person is religious or meets another person at a place of worship, doesn't mean they share similar intentions, nor does it guarantee their sincerity.
I don't really understand the dynamic o f your relationship.
Do you see him outside of church?
He has not formally asked for my hand yet...and until he does our only interaction is at church, once he does (if he does) then we are permitted to talk on the phone for a period of time, we can go out to dinner with chaperones...we will never actually spend anytime alone until after we are married (if that ever happens).
I think you are better off putting your attention on the one who you say you are married to, the one you wear your bridal set for. That one won't let you down or mislead you.
I for one think this man you've set your eyes on is a little 'fractured'. Just because someone attends your church doesn't mean that they're a whole and perfect person.
You've put your faith in a fallible human being. I don't see why you shouldn't treat him like a 'brother' since he treats you like a 'sister', that means, put some emotional distance between you, and focus on other things until it is revealed to you what the intentions really are here. And pay attention to clear signs and signals, even though you desperately WANT to beleive that this man is like Christ, it doesn't sound like he is.
I say all these things because there was a time in my past when I thought if someone attended my church they thought and felt like I did, but that was when I was 15. I learned that this isn't the case at all. And you of all people need to protect yourself from being hurt again.
I can only go by what you say here, and to me it sounds like you need to get a little more pragmatic and practical and use your intellegence not your heart to read the messages.
He has not formally asked for my hand yet...and until he does our only interaction is at church, once he does (if he does) then we are permitted to talk on the phone for a period of time, we can go out to dinner with chaperones...we will never actually spend anytime alone until after we are married (if that ever happens).
I can kind of understand this practice among the devout for young people who have never been married. But you are both adults in your 40s who are independent, self-supporting adults. Should it not be assumed that you have the self-control to comport yourselves within the boundaries of your religious beliefs?
All you know of this man is his public persona. That says little about who he actually is. And you're looking at him as someone you would bring into not only your life but the lives of your children PERMANENTLY.
You would not be building a life with this man but joining two ALREADY DEVELOPED lives. The "courtship" concept is feasible with two young and unformed adults, but with two mature adults in their 40s it seems terribly ill-advised and potentially harmful to your children.
I can see here on this forum...that people are more concerned with spouting off anti-Christian rhetoric, than focusing on my actual question...and calling me a troll, though if anyone bothered to check they would clearly see that I have been posting on this forum for several years and have nearly a hundred and fifty posts...guess that makes me a very persistent troll then.
I am a Christian, the man I love is a Christian
We do not date before marriage, we either are single or we get married...period
We do not hold hands, kiss, fornicate, or even talk about sex until after we are married.
We do not sit together in church unless we are married and we are never alone until after we are married.
We are very modest in our appearance, as sisters we do wear a little jewelry, still very modest...but the man I am going to marry requested due to his own personal tastes that I not wear any jewelry at all, I did oblige, because it is not hurting me not to wear it...and I want to make him happy.
and it is a similar request to a man asking his wife not to cut her hair...or wear make up, or a wife asking her husband to grow a beard because she thinks it is sexy...couples do that sort of thing.
And get this...once we are married....I will even cook his favorite meal for him, fix his plate, bring it to him, whether he wants to eat in bed or in front of the television (and I will give him the remote control)
I will wear the blue dress because he likes the way I look when I put it on.
I keep his house clean
I will wash and iron his clothes
And I will obey what he tells me...I will love and honor him to...in sickness, in health, for richer and for poorer...and I will do it everyday for the rest of our lives...until one of us dies.
his son will be my son, his mother will be my mother, his sister will be my sister, his brothers will be my brothers...etc.
And I can't think of anything else I would rather do, or anyone else I would rather do it with...and yes he is perfect...(for me) I don't want him to ever change, I love him just the way he is...
He is a man's man...and I love him like that...he is just gonna have to understand (and he will get it right) that he can hold back just a little bit of the testosterone...just a teency weency little bit.
I ain't no bear, and no lion either...I am his woman...and he does not have to fight me like that. Telling me he forgot my name...he just punched me in the back of my throat when he did that.
Now I know, I probably just made my man sound like a chauvinist...and made myself sound like a doormat, neither of which is true.
He is a good man...and I am happy to submit to him.
Up until last night, everything was everything...if we can reconcile...I know better next time.
Location: NYC based - Used to Live in Philly - Transplant from Miami
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Well,
To be honest I think this is maybe in your head. Maybe you two think you are dating, while he is honestly just being nice / polite to you.
I am not sure whether this is accepted in your religion, but can you ask him directly?
Especially after you gave him that bag of Hershey's kisses, he should get the message!
Good luck with that!
I can kind of understand this practice among the devout for young people who have never been married. But you are both adults in your 40s who are independent, self-supporting adults. Should it not be assumed that you have the self-control to comport yourselves within the boundaries of your religious beliefs?
All you know of this man is his public persona. That says little about who he actually is. And you're looking at him as someone you would bring into not only your life but the lives of your children PERMANENTLY.
You would not be building a life with this man but joining two ALREADY DEVELOPED lives. The "courtship" concept is feasible with two young and unformed adults, but with two mature adults in their 40s it seems terribly ill-advised and potentially harmful to your children.
Thank you for your thoughtful question...
No.
Just because I am 45 and he is 38 does not mean, we can exercise self control if left alone to ourselves...we are still human.
And what happens when men and women who are attracted to each other in any other circumstance, will happen with us...we are Christians so we do not put ourselves in that situation of being tempted, (so we do not sit together in church, hold hands, or spend time alone) but we are not above...or too old to be tempted.
And as for my children...my kids are 30, 27, 20 and 18...and can take care of themselves...
his son is 12 so he is the one putting a lot of trust in me...to be a good mother to the lad, not treat him differently than our other kids (and they are all OUR kids).
Location: NYC based - Used to Live in Philly - Transplant from Miami
2,307 posts, read 2,766,054 times
Reputation: 2610
Quote:
Originally Posted by JustJulia
My husband's and my former roommate was raised Amish in Indiana. It sounds exactly as described, complete separation of the unmarried young people and no holding hands. He's also gay and lived in a sham marriage for 10 years or so before his wife divorced him. He's still in the closet with all this family, for whom being gay is an unforgivable ticket straight to hell.
OP, it sounds like this relationship is a fantasy all in your head.
Yeah that was what I thought as well. Although I think she is prolly a Mennonite.
I don't think Amish is allowed to use computer. Pardon my ignorance if I am wrong.
Off topic though: I find some Amish men are attractive. Probably it is because how earnest and "pure-hearted" they are; it kinda "shine" on their face.
Last edited by asiandudeyo; 07-03-2014 at 09:49 AM..
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