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If your wife is taking pills and drinking like a fish...I'm sure you could be getting sex with very little effort on your part. She may be totally unconscious...but hey...at least your not having to listen to her ranting about having to put out!
LMAO, I missed this one. Is this how the vikings do it?
Let's start with "horribly ill". To me that is not the issue here. Substance abuse is as much about personal weakness as it is about "disease" and I'll re-iterate that if the couple hasn't discussed the problem then this is obviously the first step....
Betrayal is in the eyes of the betrayor I guess.... Again since it's a man we don't acknowledge the emotional neglect that is more than likely occurring here. We'd be MUCH more understanding if it were a woman I bet.
And also if we were referring to a woman we'd understand that "affection" does not just refer to sex, but since we're talking about a man we, of course, assume that affection here is only about sex and nothing else. You think that's fair??
Not permission per se. I'd say he's confused on what to do here. Wouldn't you be???
When there's children involved there will ALWAYS be temptation to ride the fence in a situation like this.... You can't grasp that the OP is assessing the situation as one where he is not getting anything fulfilling from his marriage, yet he doesn't want to divorce because of how difficult it may be for his children???
I don't think it's too big of a stretch to see the conflict here.
Well firstsly I geuss we disagree that chemical dependency is indeed an illness. The medical community treats it this way. Its very posible that she has some other psychiatric condition that she is using drugs to help her deal with. People who are bipolar, depressed and so on often self medicate with drugs and alcohol. Thats why its so important to get them off the substance to uncover what its covering up.
As for trying to make life better for the child, are you really saying any child is better off living with someone who is drug addicted? I personally believe a child would be better off living with only one parent if that parent is clean. AND if this Mother is as bad as he says, no judge is going to give her custody. Drugs tests are often ordered and someone who is addicted will not pass them.
I will always believe having affairs is a selfish thing to do.
I'd thank you for not putting words in my mouth or being condescending to me.
Because I have no respect for someone who wants to get his rocks off, at the expense of his family, I need help? Good one. Believe me, I've been through a lot, and have thought WAY more about this than I'd wager you have. Do not mistake my bluntness for not caring about the situation in general, and certainly don't tell me that I "need help" for not giving this guy a pat on the back, and saying "go for it".
Yes, these issues are difficult, but I, for one, find it extremely hard to give this guy the "go ahead" with it. If you don't like it, fine, but don't be condescending about it, thank you very much.
I'm curious though. Where's the "compassion" supposed to come into play? I have it, if it's deserved. I simply don't see where it's warranted here. Care to not be condescending and elaborate on this one?
Where's the "rush to judgment"? He wants to boink a 20-year-old when he's having trouble in his marriage. He's scared that he's going to be taken to the cleaners with a divorce, and therefore wants it both ways. Am I missing something here?
I suggested help, which should bring no shame by the way, not because you have no respect "for someone who wants to get his rocks off", but because you seem to be spitting so much venom you are not even understanding the posts of those with opposing viewpoints. (Please note, I said understanding, not agreeing)
Sometimes when a dog's hackles are up, its best to slowly back out of the room. (Please note, I did not just call you a dog, it is an analogy.)
Quote:
Originally Posted by mjb68
I said excluded, not excused.
I'm not sure if you were confusing my quote with someone else's because I never mentioned affection in my original post, but other people have.
Well I know your not directing your quote at ME, but my original post did not state any of these things, I simply pointed out that IF he were to do this, his daughter, who already has one bad role model, would now have another bad role model, I said that he would be "a lying cheater" - IF he were to do this. By the way, according to the OP, he hasn't made the mistake yet.
I understand your point here, kinda, but this in not a very good example, were talking about death here. But to answer your question in another way, yes I would, after my rapist was done with me I pretty much called him all those things.
Putting out is just a term I use. roll in the hay, banging the wife, making love, whatever, don't expect me to be politically correct and use the "sensitive" term for all.
So, you did not point out the fact he is getting laid in direct response to the esteemed VAFury's suggestion that the OP may be looking for affection, as if to say, how can he be looking for affection, he's getting laid?
A rape victim has every right to call an attacker those things, because she is his victim. By contrast, the people who are calling the OP those things are not victims of the OP. Huge difference.
Oh, I am not hung up on PC. Glad you are not. I think I kinda like you.
I suggested help, which should bring no shame by the way, not because you have no respect "for someone who wants to get his rocks off", but because you seem to be spitting so much venom you are not even understanding the posts of those with opposing viewpoints. (Please note, I said understanding, not agreeing)
LOL....seriously, LOL.
Venom? Nah, just stating my opinion about the situation.
YES, I do understand when marriages go bad. I most assuredly do. And, I do understand about relationships, and what happens when there is a lack of affection.
So, what am I missing here?
The thread is entitled, "Thinking about getting a mistress", and I gave my opinion on it. So sorry if you think that I'm "judging" the poor, misunderstood OP. But, it seems awfully cut-and-dry to me.
What you seem to be missing here in your oh so quaint way, is that this guy has said it himself. He can't leave because he'd be "taken to the cleaners". He's made his choice, and that's with his wallet. So, he wants to get his rocks off otherwise. And, THAT is where the issue comes with me.
Would you please tell me where there's "venom" in that?
It's reality. Sorry that you don't agree, but it certainly doesn't mean that I "need help".
But, go on, please....it's really amusing to see your comments on this one.
you didn't see burn out because it was an observation. Most people I see on hard drug in my opinion are burn outs. Maybe you see it different. I myself would gladly trade a heavy drug user for the love of a younger woman. And who's to say she doesnt want to be an instant mom ...but her
Because I have no respect for someone who wants to get his rocks off, at the expense of his family, I need help?
Again, the point is that I believe it's fair to think that perhaps the OP is looking for a change but is conflicted about where that leaves his 8 year old. Remember (you seem to keep missing the ball on this) that NO ONE has said that going out and getting a mistress is a "good idea". Some of us are simply seeing how he might have arrived at this plan.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mishigas
and certainly don't tell me that I "need help" for not giving this guy a pat on the back, and saying "go for it".
Again, the people you are arguing with have NEVER stated this either..... Not sure who you're arguing with on this point......
Quote:
Originally Posted by mishigas
Yes, these issues are difficult, but I, for one, find it extremely hard to give this guy the "go ahead" with it. If you don't like it, fine, but don't be condescending about it, thank you very much.
The condescension, though unnecessary, comes from the fact that you seem to take a disagreement with the berrating this guy is getting for even SUGGESTING the idea as somehow being in support of the idea itself..... That's not what anyone is saying here.... It seems like you're skimming over the posts and not really attempting to grasp what we're saying, but instead are seeing disagreement and snapping back with an emotional response based on your experiences with a cheating husband..... Again, NO ONE is suggesting that he go ahead with this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mishigas
Where's the "rush to judgment"? He wants to boink a 20-year-old when he's having trouble in his marriage. He's scared that he's going to be taken to the cleaners with a divorce, and therefore wants it both ways. Am I missing something here?
Yes, you are making zero attempt to see his side of it. He's in a marriage with a substance abuser and may very well feel like he's married to an emotionless zombie. While this certainly makes him unhappy, he also recognizes that a divorce might mean the loss of his child in a custody battle, but at the very least will result in the destruction of the family unit which NO good parent wants for their child..... Thus a dilemma arises. The OP comes up with a potential solution, but all of us know this isn't the way to go......
The discussion has been, as far as I'm concerned, about whether he deserves the venom and name-calling he's gotten here for thinking about this in the first place and I'm trying to show how he may have come to this proposition and why I believe he's not some evil jackass for simply thinking this.....
Yes, you are making zero attempt to see his side of it. He's in a marriage with a substance abuser and may very well feel like he's married to an emotionless zombie. While this certainly makes him unhappy, he also recognizes that a divorce might mean the loss of his child in a custody battle, but at the very least will result in the destruction of the family unit which NO good parent wants for their child..... Thus a dilemma arises. The OP comes up with a potential solution, but all of us know this isn't the way to go......
Ahhh...the "esteemed VAFury"...
I sincerely wonder where the fact that I've said that I have zero respect for someone who takes the route that the OP is considering to be anything but a sincere, and frankly, quite helpful, response comes into this in a negative way.
I've seen way too many times in my life, men who, for whatever reason, think that this is a "reasonable solution". And, again, I hold no respect for someone who would do this.
There are different ways to handle the situation, for sure. But, certainly, calling those who would hold the same viewpoint as mine "automatons", doesn't help matters either.
I try my best to see where others are coming from, and that's something that no one can argue with me about. And, I've seen this particular circumstance. He'd get the shaft in a divorce. His wife is a zombie from drugs. I UNDERSTAND THAT. However, I've also seen this too many times before in my life, where someone feels like they "deserve" the sex or affection, or whatnot, while also "deserving" what they currently have. That doesn't fly in my book. Plain and simple. And, I've said so.
Quote:
Originally Posted by VAFury
I'm trying to show how he may have come to this proposition and why I believe he's not some evil jackass for simply thinking this.....
And, that's FABULOUS. Charge on!
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roll in the hay, banging the wife, making love, whatever, don't expect me to be politically correct and use the "sensitive" term for all.
