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I am really struggling to make sense of what just went wrong in my life. My significant other (of 6 years) and father of my youngest child left me. Last week we discussed getting married, and we had been looking for a bigger house on more land and he was still loving and sending me erotic texts and what not. He even had the same marriage conversation with a friend of his, so I know I did not dream it up.
I went to visit an elderly family member for two nights and sprung it on me, the evening I got home.
Since then he has told me he cares for me, but he is not in love with me. He has planned it awhile and saved his tip money to rent an apartment. He told my brother we fight all the time, which is not the case. He works 80+ hour weeks at work. He was not home to fight.
He swears it is not another woman. He was crying when he left.
He stopped in yesterday to see the kids and pick up some things. Certain things, choked him up when he touched them. He took most of the alcohol we had in the house.
I have asked several times if he is sure this is what he wants and he nods his head or changes the subject.
What the heck happened? I thought we were doing great. I was completely happy.
There are two causes that I see, where you have a perfectly content person, and one who seems to be totally the opposite, saying you fight all of the time, and things are bad.
The first is that another woman is around, and his crying is caused by his guilty feelings. He works a lot of hours, 80 hours really? It would be easy to get some strange without being detected.
The other would be that your shock of his displeasure is because you are an overbearing woman. Maybe passive aggressive in nature, where you don't raise your voice, but instead say things that are hurtful to him. Because you don't raise your voice, you don't feel the words you say, should hurt. He may be more passive, choosing to let it go, and not engage in an argument. The problem with that, is he is tossing the problems into his emotional backpack, and eventually the backpack gets too heavy, so he decides that flight is necessary for his own happiness. I just don't see it any other way, if what you say is true. That his version is that you fight and have a bad relationship...your view is that ts a trouble free and wonderful thing.
Perhaps he worked all that overtime to earn money to move out, as well as stay away from something that makes him unhappy. Lack of communication is to blame in this instance.
Just be happy it happened before getting married. I mean would you want to get married to someone who can't sack up and tell you his problem with you, or a cheater?
He stopped in yesterday to see the kids and pick up some things. Certain things, choked him up when he touched them. He took most of the alcohol we had in the house.
That's the issue, it sounds like maybe he can't deal with certain things so he self-medicates with alcohol. Nobody who feels secure in a relationship saves money for a life on their own and waits until their partner leaves on vacation (or a short visit) to break up with them. Sounds like the relationship was just fine but he's creating issues for himself. Maybe he does love you but sabotages his happiness.
There is a book called "Runaway Husbands" that you might be able to relate to. The discussion is how the relationship is normal by all appearances and everything is fine.. right up until it is not, and the "offending" spouse / partner is left wondering what the heck just happened.
I won't dive into the similarities I see with your situation, but I do highly recommend you read it.
And, hun, please don't blame yourself. He told you that you were "overbearing" because it was the first item he could come up with to convince himself that he was unhappy. My marriage also ended abruptly, and after the fact, I was accused of everything from emotional to physical abuse - and none of it was true. Yes, you have a part of whatever has happened between you two, but you're only 50% of the equation. He is the other 50%.
People that have not experienced this type of relationship end simply do not understand your situation... Most relationships that end had months of a downward spiral and everyone could see the writing on the wall. You case, like mine, was not that at all. You were blindsided by a decision he had been preparing for while fooling you into believing that life was grand.
That's the issue, it sounds like maybe he can't deal with certain things so he self-medicates with alcohol. Nobody who feels secure in a relationship saves money for a life on their own and waits until their partner leaves on vacation (or a short visit) to break up with them. Sounds like the relationship was just fine but he's creating issues for himself. Maybe he does love you but sabotages his happiness.
He has lots of family baggage from his childhood. I think this might be close to what it going on, but regardless, I want a man that sticks by me, not always looking for an excuse to leave.
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