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I was single or in a sort of FWB/fling situation from high school up until I turned 35.
My high school relationship wasn't something I took very seriously... she was a nice girl but I was way too young and I suppose I always thought I would have some wild years. I had no idea when I broke up with her that it was going to be the last relationship I would have until my 30s.
I wish I could say I was having fun/playing the field/living the good free bachelor's life after that, but that was most certainly not the case. I was a virgin through university and for a few years after that. I spent a lot of time sort of hiding and disappearing into the shadows, I guess.
I had maybe a handful of flings with women and then some men as well-- some of them were fun, but most of them weren't, and I didn't approach them as if they had any meaning. I had always wanted to connect with people but never really felt like it was happening when I tried.
None of them lasted more than a few months. I probably could have had more flings/sex/affairs, but I've never been very outgoing and I don't like the idea of being sucked into other people's circles of friends (mild social anxiety), or dealing with fallout, or sleeping with strangers... there were quite a few times where I was too afraid/anxious to go through with it. And sometimes I sabotaged it by being too awkward. I think sometimes the awkwardness was even endearing to some of these girls, but when I saw it didn't bother them too much I would just get even more nervous or just generally not know how to keep going... and every time I backed down I beat myself up over it and ended up more discouraged, even when I probably shouldn't have cared.
I grew more and more afraid and embarrassed by my lack of experience/life situation, but I didn't want to be afraid or embarrassed so I told myself that I was alone and proud and really enjoying all the freedom and such. I did a lot of traveling and living abroad but it wasn't as fulfilling as I thought it should be. I made sure to do something travel-related twice a year... mountain climbing, scuba diving, jungles, safaris, etc. But none of it really made me happy... it seemed to make other people happy to hear it, though. I think recreational travel is pretty empty... volunteering and really committing yourself to a culture is important but I guess I never really found the strength to do that.
Parts of it were enough to shock me out of my despair momentarily, but most of the time I would have gladly traded the speed at which I could travel alone for some company. Sometimes I did meet people... and I guess that was probably the best part of traveling... the traveling wasn't even the thing, what I was looking for was a likeminded, loyal, warm group of friends. But of course, I didn't stay in touch with any of them because I was ashamed of who I was when I got back from my trip.
After a while, I was pretty much like the whiners on here-- jaded, frustrated, mired in increasingly more horrible porn and had dodgy ideas about women, sex, who I was and what people were really like. Even looking forward to traveling twice a year wasn't enough to make up for all of the solitude, shame and despair I was feeling the rest of the time.
I would often lie about who I was and what I did when I was on my adventures... make up a whole new me based on one of my many failed career paths, different stories about why I was there and such. It was pretty fun sometimes... but I would get nervous and feel like they knew I was lying.
Sometimes when I was traveling I would be on a bus or in a hotel room or something and feel this overwhelming sadness. I remember being on the verge of tears while on a bus in Indonesia on New Year's Eve, quietly watching the clock next to the driver's mirror, wishing I just had someone to talk to, but knowing that even if I was at home I wouldn't be doing anything special.
Walking the streets somewhere and looking at couples in restaurants while sitting alone was the worst. I eventually stopped meeting people while traveling and had a harder and harder time being social in hostels and such. I guess because I was older, sadder and more alone. And I was afraid that my jadedness would come out in real life, people would judge me for it, and I would end up hating myself even more.
Deep down, I didn't really believe that all women were horrible or that life was all BS or whatever-- I just wanted desperately to believe it because it seemed preferable to admitting that I was suffering and probably had other issues. I couldn't admit that I wasn't trying hard enough and wondered why everyone else wouldn't change for me. I think I probably needed help but was too proud to admit it... I didn't want to need anyone else, because I felt like I was so bad with people.
Still, I had all of this hope that I would meet the perfect girl at the perfect moment when I was finally in a better place mentally, physically, emotionally, financially, and geographically... at some point in the future. It was one of those things that made me less suicidal. But of course, dream woman wasn't real, and the version of me that I pictured dream woman falling in love with wasn't real either. I was basically watching a mental movie over and over in my head, starring these two perfect people falling in love, and one of them was supposed to be me. It was ridiculous.
I didn't even really think about how many years were passing by as I moved from country to country and city to city, meeting people and then never seeing them again, not keeping in touch, burning every bridge, leaving quietly in the night with no one saying goodbye, etc. I did that for about 9 years... which is quite a long time. But I was aggressively single for close to 16 years.
Eventually I hit a breaking point and came to realize that I was really tired and sad, and I needed to break out of that before it was too late. I wasn't really expecting the right girl came along... but then she did. And she was okay with my not having had relationships... I guess she figured that at least I had had sex a few times haha. I told her I hadn't had a relationship and I guess she took a chance on me.
I am still in awe of just how open-minded she was and it was a huge inspiration to stop the porn, be more diplomatic/open to others, and just overall try to be a better person. I don't feel like I'm missing out or like I need to travel anymore or do a lot of other things. She wasn't grossed out by anything and didn't judge me for anything I had done or the porn or any of it. She was super cool, which inspired me to be cool too. She isn't like my dream woman-- she's better because she's real, and I'm starting to be okay with the real me as well.
Haha that's my long-ass rant for all the young people here... if you read it, thank you!
Although I am not 35, but it sounds to me that you were feeling really lost.
I know how you feel though, depressed, lonely, hopeless, and like no one and nothing can help you. It's a hard feeling. I dealing with that now. I don't want to feel like I need anybody, because I don't want to be codependent or weak. It's pretty impossible to reconcile those feelings. I know many would say I am too young to feel like this but I do.
My own self loathing came from the fact that I am not where most of my friends are. They are in school, have jobs, and even have families. Then there is me...always being left behind in the dust. When I do think I catch everyone is on to the next thing. I don't know how to just be comfortable with myself and who I am, because I don't know who I am.
I over think things to where I don't want to do anything because I am convinced nothing can help me. It's not a good feeling at all.
Have not been in one as yet, and not presently looking. Dating works for now. I want to establish myself, and be free to explore without without worrying about someone else's feelings.... For now.
For me, about 5 years. I'm starting to get antsy and worried that i will never find someone. I really want a partner even marriage. Part of the reason i was single, was because i was focus on raising my child and I have a full-time job, work late on most days. I have tried the online dating thing and it's not really working for me.
It will be 23 years on Saturday.
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How long have you been single or not in a relationship?
