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Old 07-08-2014, 06:45 PM
 
6,732 posts, read 9,961,433 times
Reputation: 6848

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You are in an abusive relationship.

He can change, but not while he is in any relationship, and it will take years of him making therapy his top priority.

There is nothing you can do to help heal him. He has to be alone, and he has to have a desire to change that comes from inside himself, and he has to be working with a professional.

Also it would be a good idea for you to do some googling on how to recognise abusive situations before you get attached to the person. If you can avoid getting into the sit in the first place, it's much less heartwrenching than trying to get out when you love someone who is broken and unfixable-by-you.

Last edited by NilaJones; 07-08-2014 at 08:14 PM..
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Old 07-08-2014, 09:21 PM
 
6,732 posts, read 9,961,433 times
Reputation: 6848
Quote:
Originally Posted by HeidiBee24 View Post
I think if he would simply listen to my feelings and let me talk as long as I need to explain everything these things wouldn't keep being an issue. Since I am saying how I feel, after I am done he would have a perfect chance to say "I understand how you are feeling, but you do not need to because so and so" or "I understand how you are feeling and I get where you are coming from lets fix it" Instead every arguement is my fault, regardless how hard I try to avoid them and I am seriously fed up.

I feel like I should just move on but at the same time I don't like the idea of letting a relationship go that means a lot to me for simply the idiocy of him not being able to communicate decently. We have so many other good qualities and to end something over "not working communication" seems a bit drastic.
I just wanted to say that someone more organised than I should save post #1 for the next time someone asks, 'Why do women stay in abusive relationships? They must like it.'

Notice how simple and easy it would be for him just to act like a normal person, and then the relationship would be fine. Notice how baffling she finds his choice not to do that. And how silly it seems to her, to throw out a long-term relationship over a problem with such an easy fix.

Often women stay because they are sure that, any day now, he will realise how silly he is being, creating drama and misery when they could just be having fun together, like they did in the first part of the relationship.

But that would be him making a rational choice, and she cannot see that he will never be able to make rational choices.

Being abusive is a mental illness. Abusers cannot think logically. And that is confusing to people who do not realise the guy is mentally ill. They keep waiting for him to snap out of it.
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Old 07-08-2014, 09:25 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,218 posts, read 100,352,025 times
Reputation: 40196
Quote:
Originally Posted by HeidiBee24 View Post
So like the title says I've been in a relationship for a little over a year now and I'm pretty much to the point of hopelessness. First off we have a long distance relationship due to work issues etc, so this alone doesn't make things easy, AT ALL. We manage though and are able to see each other frequently, for example we were just together (in the same apartment) for 2 and a half months straight.

I don't feel understood by him what so ever on top of most of the time not being able to speak to him about anything anyway. Either because of fear that he will argue and fight with me or I will not be heard, told to stop talking half way through or other things that are completely unacceptable. I simply do not know how the hell to communicate with this person anymore. I've tried everything. I've litterally broken my mind over trying to figure out how to speak to him about things that bother me, but NOTHING works.

I am nice, he swears I am not being nice. I try to explain, which then takes up time, I am interrupted because he doesn't want me to speak that long at one time. I don't explain tings so I am able to keep it short, he missunderstands everything and starts argueing and fighting with me.

Everything I say even sentences starting with "I feel like (...)" or "I think (....)" are taken in the most negative way and taken as full blown criticism eventhough I am only trying to express how I feel. Emphasis on the "I".

I think if he would simply listen to my feelings and let me talk as long as I need to explain everything these things wouldn't keep being an issue. Since I am saying how I feel, after I am done he would have a perfect chance to say "I understand how you are feeling, but you do not need to because so and so" or "I understand how you are feeling and I get where you are coming from lets fix it" Instead every arguement is my fault, regardless how hard I try to avoid them and I am seriously fed up.

I feel like I should just move on but at the same time I don't like the idea of letting a relationship go that means a lot to me for simply the idiocy of him not being able to communicate decently. We have so many other good qualities and to end something over "not working communication" seems a bit drastic.

What do you guys think?
I think you should quit trying to fit round pegs into square holes.
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