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Ok after a bit of time off I'm back. I come to get an unscientific view of opinions about various subjects that I am seeing a therapist about. I just wanted to know if anyone else has experienced this. To update I am currently waiting for my divorce to be signed off on by a judge. I moved out of the house in March and my 24 year old son currently lives with me. I got him back on track with a steady job and he is putting money in the bank. Living with him is actually turning out better than I thought. He is his own man, and I have stopped taking the "my way or the highway approach, yet I do have set goals and expectations I expect him to meet. It is what should or could have happened if my ex just let me do my thing and be a father without putting her two cents and breaking apart every thing I did. My daughter is 16. I pretty much only go back to the house we shared when I go to see her. It sucks being a guest in a home you helped build. I have to be announced, and I'm not allowed to pick up and read anything because EVERYTHING in the house is considered "Private". This brings me to why that rule was enacted in the first place. I was sitting in one of the 2 matching chairs across from the couch when I noticed what I thought was a discarded piece of paper on the chair next to me. I picked it up. It was folded in half yet torn slightly at the top and I unfolded it. I read the following:
To my Bestie,
I know you did well on your talent show. To mark the occasion I'm presenting these flowers to my little bestie diva.
Mr. Wonderful
Earlier that week my daughter had her spring talent show at her school. she danced in a few of the numbers. Both I and my ex attended. Upon reading the note I folded the note and put it back on the chair and walked into the Kitchen where my ex was preparing a meal. I asked her if her boyfriend purchased the flowers for our daughter of which she replied yes. She then asked is there a problem? I stated while I think there is a problem with that (my wife has only been dating him for 7 months and started seeing him BEFORE she announced to me she wanted a divorce) I explained I get that he wants to impress you by getting cozy with our child, but I can buy flowers for my daughter thank you very much. My real issue is not so much the flowers but the note. I think its inappropriate for a 16 year old to get a note using this language from a 41 year old man. I told her that her boyfriend is messing around in dangerous territory (not that he wasn't before IMO) and that he should at least respect the boundaries of good taste and appropriate language used with someone else's children. I further referred to the Mr. Wonderful Signature and said this too is inappropriate that if you (my ex) call him that its your business but WE did raise our daughter to address adults in a much more formal way. My ex explained to me that "Mr. Wonderful" is his biker name which I replied I didn't care if that was his f**king communion name its inappropriate for our daughter to be allowed to or refer to him in that way. Let his own 16 year old daughter (this guy has 4 children from 3 different women) refer to him in that way. Next of course I was read the riot act about respecting privacy and that I had no right to pick up the note in the first place even though the note was directed at my daughter. My wife then explained that he wanted to attend the talent show and that he decided not to because I was attending. She further stated that eventually she would like to invite him over to spend time at the house and yes even spend the night. I told her I understand all of that but the way she went about having the relationship with this man while still being involved with me was f**ked up in the first place and to try and "normalize" this is equally f**ked up. I told her she is playing a dangerous game. Since I object to the guy she feels that no matter what I will always have a problem with him. I told her it would take a lot away from my argument had he just simply wrote a note that said congrats on your talent show here are flowers to mark the occasion and signed his real name, but doing it this way is being provocative and since you (my ex) see nothing wrong with it I get that this is just my issue I have to deal with. I asked my daughter how she felt getting the note and she said she felt ok, so I have tried to let that go. That was until I found out that he has often and continues to text her asking her how she is doing. Innocent things like that. To me I don't think they are innocent I think they are trying to just put himself in both a favorable light with my ex and try to score points with my daughter and upstage me. Again I have been advised to move on and not worry about or be concerned with what he does but at times its hard not to.
For the record we only filed for divorce last week. The above incident took place in the middle of last month.
It's a tough one. On one hand, I can see where both your ex wife and daughter would feel an invasion of privacy... but on the other hand, you are her dad and want to protect her. She's only 16 and teenagers aren't known for being the wisest of people (and your Ex seems very blinded to all this herself)--even if you've instilled her with a heavy dose of "beware of some men." The texting seems really weird to me.
I wish I could give some good advice, but I can't other than I would talk to your therapist about this one. Maybe he or she could tell you want things to look for with your daughter.
For what it's worth, I agree that the whole situation is messed up. But I don't think he can upstage you. If you and your daughter were close/had a good relationship, nothing "Mr. Wonderful" can do will replace you... ever. Maybe she will rebel a little and seem to side with him, but deep down, she knows you are still her one and only dad.
It's good that you're aware of this dynamic. At the same time, I doubt your daughter really appreciated that note or him referring to her as bestie. She's 16 and her besties are her peers, parents come second to friends, and the BF of your recently separated mom is a lot lower down on the totem pole. He sounds like he's overcompensating, overeager, trying to fit in. Don't put your daughter on the spot about it unless she brings the issue to you.
It isn't easy to now be a visitor in the home you created, but they have a right to privacy as do you. When my ex left, he was ticked when my dad changed the locks for me. I told him he could come over when I was home, but that he was not going to have free access to my personal space. Such is the nature of separations and divorces, learning new roles and boundaries.
Your ex is with a dude who has kids by 3 different women? This is the kind of guy your ex goes for? And he's cozying up to your daughter? This is a pile of bad news, I feel for you, OP. Be sure to keep your daughter in your life. Make time to do stuff with her on the weekends. So she's comfortable enough with you to bring up any issues she might have. There's not much more you can do, except as for full custody, like someone said, but that might not go down in court. Half custody would help, though.
Forgetting all of the stuff between you and your wife (ex), the note strikes me as creepy. Most normal 41 yo men don't call teenage girls "besties" unless it's in jest.
Your D probably feels really torn right now between supporting her mother and telling the truth. Even at only 16 I would have found a note like that weird and strange.
You were right to alert your wife to what appear to be (together with the texting) grooming activity. A 16-year-old can't always tell what's appropriate and what isn't. And predators can take advantage of that. Assuming your assessment of the situation is correct. But your wife seems to be in an adversarial relationship with you now, so she's not inclined to heed your concerns, which is worrisome.
IMO, you should NOT "move on", and ignore what may be warning signs. You can't "move on", because your daughter is involved, and you definitely should not be "moving on" from your relationship with her. But try to speak more objectively and dispassionately about the situation, and to separate your feelings about the divorce from this situation that your daughter may be facing. Otherwise, people will interpret your concern as simply a wish to trash your wife's new partner. Don't drag your wife's infidelity into conversations about this situation. That's irrelevant, and will only deflect your wife's concern from where it should be--on your daughter--to the divorce drama.
Good luck, OP, and keep an eye on the situation, from a distance. Don't snoop, or people will freak out, and it will make the situation worse.
You were right to alert your wife to what appear to be (together with the texting) grooming activity. A 16-year-old can't always tell what's appropriate and what isn't. And predators can take advantage of that. Assuming your assessment of the situation is correct. But your wife seems to be in an adversarial relationship with you now, so she's not inclined to heed your concerns, which is worrisome.
IMO, you should NOT "move on", and ignore what may be warning signs. You can't "move on", because your daughter is involved, and you definitely should not be "moving on" from your relationship with her. But try to speak more objectively and dispassionately about the situation, and to separate your feelings about the divorce from this situation that your daughter may be facing. Otherwise, people will interpret your concern as simply a wish to trash your wife's new partner. Don't drag your wife's infidelity into conversations about this situation. That's irrelevant, and will only deflect your wife's concern from where it should be--on your daughter--to the divorce drama.
Good luck, OP, and keep an eye on the situation, from a distance. Don't snoop, or people will freak out, and it will make the situation worse.
Yes that is what my plan is for now. I realize that the situation will always come off like I have an ax to grind, so that is why my therapist told me not to get involved with what the boyfriend does or is trying to do and concentrate on my relationship with my daughter which I do admit is difficult because of that feeling (look the dude took my wife (although she is just as guilty in that as he is) and now he is trying to make points with my kid???) I am doing my best to keep note but let it go because my ex is contributing to this dynamic in that she sees nothing wrong with his behavior, and my behavior is always the one in question.
Your ex is with a dude who has kids by 3 different women? This is the kind of guy your ex goes for? And he's cozying up to your daughter? This is a pile of bad news, I feel for you, OP. Be sure to keep your daughter in your life. Make time to do stuff with her on the weekends. So she's comfortable enough with you to bring up any issues she might have. There's not much more you can do, except as for full custody, like someone said, but that might not go down in court. Half custody would help, though.
We do have joint custody, but as per our divorce agreement my daughter resides with my daughter in what used to be our home. I think that she (my daughter) deserves to live there more than either myself or my wife, but to be realistic I thought walking away from the house was being fair considering I got to keep my pension. As was stated earlier its hard to walk into a home you worked your ass off to furnish and make special for your family only for you to come back and be treated as a guest in the very same dwelling. And yes the thought of some dude putting his clothes on what used to be my side of the closet and sleeping on what used to be my side of the bed is not something to look forward to either.
A very big mistake I keep seeing in your posts is that you are putting yourself in competition with this guy where your daughter is concerned.
STOP doing that.
There is no competition. YOU are her father. I can understand why you would do it where your wife is concerned, but all it will do is cloud your thinking and judgment as a father.
You are making HIM a much bigger part of YOUR equation.
Keep going to therapy, which should be a safe place to express and analyze those enraged thoughts you have about him, but do not fool yourself into thinking he is "earning points" with your daughter etc.
Doing that will make you look desperate, and it will cause you to act in desperate ways. Maintain your status as DAD, as well as your respectability, by seeing her and contacting her as much as possibly works for you both without turning it into a grudge match with Dude.
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