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Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,957,550 times
Reputation: 40635
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SF
In my view I think you already know what you want in a person, I think you have standards for the kind of man you want so why not look for those things, qualities in a man while being friends with him, why date him I ask?
Because everything about dating is fun and having fun is life is really damn important. Well, except the morning after, I'm exhausted.
I have never dated, I have always been single all my life but I still have some things to say here.
I would say dating multiple people while looking for just one person is not a good thing. It will only create more confusion because people are very different and there are so many types of people.
My question is why date? Do you date directly at the first instant, I mean the moment you start liking him?
I think dating should only come at the final stage but before starting an actual relationship.So you can make friends with that person , say you are interested in not at a very serious, close level but to the level of getting to know one another. I think that's the best. Hence while you are friends with him you can get to know him better and know many things about him and if he matches up to what you want in a person only then it's good and if it's not good you can always leave it then and there.
In my view I think you already know what you want in a person, I think you have standards for the kind of man you want so why not look for those things, qualities in a man while being friends with him, why date him I ask?
So if you want to find one person, have a standards only for that person you want to find and then you should only date that person in order to find out if you are compatible for a actual relationship or not, that is purpose of dating I suppose.
In other words you should "date" selectively, I mean be picky, choosy about it
There is nothing wrong with this I suppose
I think you forgot one key factor in why people do date around and it's called being impatient. Some people have long stretches of singledom between relationships. If a person truly has their life in order, or even if it's not in order, people are going to get out and date. It can get boring if you have a tendency to have a year or two in between relationships and you are dating, so just imagine how that person feels if they aren't dating.
It's great to be selective, but you can really only nail down what you want out of a partner by dating and gaining experience. The longer you sit at home not dating, the longer your scroll of requirements tend to be, because you're not dating in the real world. You're dating in your head and thinking of ways you can build the perfect partner.
You ever ran into a friend or read a story where they are always talking about there's no good men or women for them to date? You ask them why and they have a list of requirements a mile long? They have no dates, because they haven't put themselves out there to date to realize that likely 65% of their requirements are pretty meaningless. Many people have trouble dating due to their demographic situation; however, many people also have trouble getting dates, because they don't allow anyone to fit their mold.
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I would say dating multiple people while looking for just one person is not a good thing. It will only create more confusion because people are very different and there are so many types of people.
My question is why date? Do you date directly at the first instant, I mean the moment you start liking him?
I think dating should only come at the final stage but before starting an actual relationship.So you can make friends with that person , say you are interested in not at a very serious, close level but to the level of getting to know one another. I think that's the best. Hence while you are friends with him you can get to know him better and know many things about him and if he matches up to what you want in a person only then it's good and if it's not good you can always leave it then and there.
Yeah, it does get a little overwhelming. Not so much confusing for me, but it puts a strain on my time.
Ideally, the way you talk about meeting someone is how I like to meet someone. First meet, then get to know him, then start dating if I am interested. The problem here is I am doing online dating. So you kind of "have" to to go out on a date to get to know them in the first place. At least I do, I can't tell what a person is like from messages and phone calls. Like I said before, it's almost backwards of the way
Quote:
Originally Posted by phone books
Where is this bizarro world you live in?
I never push for exclusivity, usually the woman pushes for it.
A similar bizzarro world I live evidently. Which is why I brought it up. Guys bring it up. I wonder if it's an age thing. I get the feeling that young guys in their 20s and maybe early 30s like to "be free" but a lot get a bug to settle on one woman by mid 30s-40s. While he didn't ask to be exclusive on date #1, the guy I dated last night mentioned to me that he was tired of dating around and was looking for something serious. He also brought up the "m" word (marriage) a few times. I think he's looking for a wife
What is wrong with me? I seem to either pick the crazies to date... or the marriage minded men to date. LOL, maybe they are one in the same. Different kind of crazy if you will
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,957,550 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by jillabean
What is wrong with me? I seem to either pick the crazies to date... or the marriage minded men to date. LOL, maybe they are one in the same. Different kind of crazy if you will
Marriage minded it one thing, that's fine. Jumping into commitments immediately is something else entirely. That's scary weird. I take, and most people I know take, commitments seriously. They're not things entered into lightly.
Yeah, I don't intend to keep anything a secret. If a guy flat out asks me, "are you seeing someone else?" I am not going to lie. I will tell him. I just don't figure I need to volunteer it--especially if it's assumed early in the dating process. That's part of what I wanted to confirm. I think once I get to the point that a guy is coming over my house, I won't be dating around anymore.
Oh, and I wonder if I should mix scotch and wine... doesn't sound healthy. Maybe I will just make margaritas to sip in the evening
On a nice warm day, sit out in the patio taking in the beautiful scenery, at Jardines. Share a pitcher of Strawberry Margaritas...(yum). Snack on some tasty salsa & chips & of course, guacamole....
Marriage minded it one thing, that's fine. Jumping into commitments immediately is something else entirely. That's scary weird. I take, and most people I know take, commitments seriously. They're not things entered into lightly.
Yeah, I am just making a joke really (about getting married being crazy). But on the serious side, I do find dating with an "agenda" a bit odd on some levels. As I've mentioned before, it's really hard to just find someone to "date" and enjoy dating without the pressure of it being some sort of audition for something more "serious." At least for me.
Yeah, I am just making a joke really (about getting married being crazy). But on the serious side, I do find dating with an "agenda" a bit odd on some levels. As I've mentioned before, it's really hard to just find someone to "date" and enjoy dating without the pressure of it being some sort of audition for something more "serious." At least for me.
You don't want to date young, so that age demographic is out. You are running into a lot of men who want to commit. It could be the season too. Want to date and meet someone in the summer/fall and then want to turn it into a relationship by winter. I know that's how it works here. Hardly any women are excited about dating when it's 25 degrees outside, but come summer they are ready to mingle. So, in the end, it could just be you're running into men who want to pursue a relationship while the summer is more stocked with potentials......
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,957,550 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by jillabean
Yeah, I am just making a joke really (about getting married being crazy). But on the serious side, I do find dating with an "agenda" a bit odd on some levels. As I've mentioned before, it's really hard to just find someone to "date" and enjoy dating without the pressure of it being some sort of audition for something more "serious." At least for me.
I agree with you completely. I don't understand why people can't just enjoy life. There is so much to enjoy. Not everything needs and agenda with a need for specific outcomes for it to be enjoyable. Just live. Sometimes it is just nice to go for a walk, or drive, without having and endpoint.
I think that is primarily my dissonance with so many of other peoples viewpoints on here. There seems to be such an undercurrent of a mindset that if a date doesn't go to a second date, it was a bad first date or a failure, or if a relationship ends, or doesn't lead to marriage, it wasn't a successful relationship. I don't get this mindset at any level.
I agree with you completely. I don't understand why people can't just enjoy life. There is so much to enjoy. Not everything needs and agenda with a need for specific outcomes for it to be enjoyable. Just live. Sometimes it is just nice to go for a walk, or drive, without having and endpoint.
I think that is primarily my dissonance with so many of other peoples viewpoints on here. There seems to be such an undercurrent of a mindset that if a date doesn't go to a second date, it was a bad first date or a failure, or if a relationship ends, or doesn't lead to marriage, it wasn't a successful relationship. I don't get this mindset at any level.
I know what you mean and it's taken me a long time to get comfortable in my own dating skin. After my recent relationship ended, I reflected on a lot of very positive things. It showed me that I can sacrifice a lot of things if I care about someone, I can truly commit to one person and have no interest to sway, and above all, I spoke up even when I knew it was going to cause some friction.
You're right, not all dates and break ups are bad. You just have to get out there and actually date people to find time to really enjoy it.
Anyway, has anyone else have this experience? Does it feel weird to you too?
I did the online dating thing for a while (I'm a woman). I did exactly what you are doing. It didn't feel weird at all.
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do you assume the person is also dating around until you decide to commit to something?
I don't assume anything. Whether they date around or not is entirely up to them. It has no effect on how I am going to do it. They should have no expectations of me either.
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Is there a point after X amount of dates you feel that the person you are dating ideally shouldn't be seeing someone else?
I don't think it should be based on the number of dates. It progresses or it doesn't, and it may not move as quickly with some as it will with others. You just have to communicate as you go. But it really doesn't take many dates for me to know if it's not going to work. 2 or 3, usually.
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Right now, I am thinking none of these men are my boyfriend--I am just meeting and getting to know them--so it's none of their business who (if anyone) else I am dating. But I also don't want to cause anyone hurt or make them feel deceived.
You can't control their feelings. If you are communicating where you stand, you are doing your part. Some people will accuse you of deceiving them, stringing them along, even when you lay out the boundaries. Some people go all in too soon and get hurt. These are not your doing or responsibility. They are free to walk at any time. All you can do is your best to convey what your expectations and limitations are. It is up to them from there to decide if it is in line with what they are looking for.
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Anyway, it just feels strange to me to be dating so many different men at once. As I mentioned before, at heart, I am a one man woman. But OLD changes things for me. In the past, I met someone, got to know him, and THEN we start dating. Online dating seems to throw that notion out the door and makes things backwards. You date first, THEN get to know someone (or at least get to know them while you are dating). That in mind, I don't want to put all my eggs in one basket early on because chances are, it won't work out in most cases (never had an OLD date turn into anything. Doesn't mean it can't happen though).
There is nothing wrong with what you are doing. Even if you were just dating one at a time, the end result would be the same. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. Take your time and enjoy yourself. Don't give in to external pressures or what others think is a good time frame. And, as long as you're not leading anyone on, you're good. I'm all for the options online dating provides, and the opportunity to screen people beforehand. It saves a lot of time. I dodged a lot of bullets via email, I didn't waste my time meeting these jokers. My experience, in person, has been good, overall.
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