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"Luck" means random. If dating success is random, then the number of "tries" you need to make depends on the mean and standard deviation of the distribution of dating successes. If you think the mean is low and the standard deviation of this distribution is high, then you need to work at this a lot...which means get off the internet and into making real life contacts.
But I don't think dating success is an entirely random variable. Do you? Or is dating success determined in some part by other variables related to personality and dating behavior?
Dating can be a pain in the ass. I tried when I really didn't want to approach women because I was scared of them. 13 rejections later and I have a girlfriend. I have friends who won't even try and have basically opted out.
Hmmm… I think luck can play a part - in terms of being in the right place at the right time - but I think finding success in relationships is about being the right person and knowing when you are with the right person.
I would say so. You have to try for the most part, but some people, even with trying still don't get the person they want, or have relationships that bomb in some way. And only the very lucky or hot ones get someone who falls right int heir lap.
Hmmm… I think luck can play a part - in terms of being in the right place at the right time - but I think finding success in relationships is about being the right person and knowing when you are with the right person.
And it seems like this is where so many people give up--"I went on one date and s/he wasn't The One! I'm done with this!" Most people aren't going to be compatible partners for most other people. It does take time and effort.
I think it's luck because some people find someone right off the bat who holds similar views, lifestyles, goals etc and they're both attracted to each other, whereas others have a harder time finding someone compatible with them. Some people meet their match through dating and eventually settle down with someone compatible through a process of elimination, but others meet through chance encounters which I think is more luck. I'm attractive, educated, down to earth, funny (aka not weird or have some creepy reason why I can't find a man) but I have the hardest time finding someone serious about relationship that also holds similar values, goals for the future etc. I remember I had a teacher once who compared dating to a pyramid chart, with those most similar to us being the tiniest triangle at the top. As you rule out more and more traits, your selection gets smaller and smaller. I try to stay open minded, but let's face it, I have a picture in my head of the kind of person I want. I hate dating simply because I hate feeling like I'm wasting my time, or other people's time, carrying on small talk when I can pretty much tell we're not going to be a long term match. I also won't start a relationship for companionship or to kill time if I know we probably don't have a future. I have high standards, but I also have a great life on my own so I'd rather be single than settle.
I actually like your analysis Frihed, it probably could be down to these kinds of variables. When I read these kinds of posts I think that a lot of people do get overcomplicated in their approach and put a lot of personal reasons into NOT making an effort in order to protect themselves. Reasons like fear of rejection, which stings, and fear of the future - a lot of 'what-ifs', that they couldn't truly predict without some kind of experience to back it up.
I've known of people who have made the decision to only go to a certain point in ANY relationship they start in order to prevent any of the possible ' what - ifs' from happening to themselves. Which of course means that they automatically create a stagnate situation with their dating lives, preventing true intimacy and trust from being able to develop.
I think those things just come from past 'bad' relationships and they don't want to be bothered with the effort of trying to make something work-just for the fact that something bad could happen.
These are all things that seem to be part of dating in mid-life. The people in my age group. I think the necessity to create these safety measures stems from experience, but I also think they tend to create dead ends.
Therefore, in my experience, it is difficult to get past these 'personal' barriers in order to see the real person who is coming into my life.
For myself, I realize that I fall into this category as well. I protect myself from the same things out of fear, and bad past experiences.
This doesn't really help me at all. I am working on changing my attitude toward the whole process, and cleaning up my perception. I want to be able to approach another person and relationship as if I were innocent of bad experiences, and be able to just accept another person on their face value without expecting or anticipating anything.
Remember when we were kids and we would just play with any other kid that came along? We didn't expect that we were going to be friends forever, or that the other kid might hurt us. We were just having fun and being ourselves. I want to be able to have that kind of feeling about it.
This has to do with the topic of luck in dating or not - my attitude toward the process is functioning from a place that isn't positive-I'm working on changing it so that it doesn't seem so intimidating and scary. Then when I do put myself 'out-there', I will have a different presentation than if I'm mentally preparing for 'battle'.
Am I putting my perspective in a better light? Or is this kind of misdirected?
And it seems like this is where so many people give up--"I went on one date and s/he wasn't The One! I'm done with this!" Most people aren't going to be compatible partners for most other people. It does take time and effort.
But at the same time, who's to judge that if you have other options lined up and you find someone interesting out of those options? You're only as marketable as your options. The less you have, the more likely you are to cherish that one person you're seeing. It's going to really be hard to pursuade someone to like you, if they find a fault in you, and they have another date lined up tomorrow and then another one the following day. I see it like applying for a job. If you're a felon applying at McDonalds and there's 5 other applicants that aren't felons, the chances of you getting hired is less than 16.67%. Time is to valuable these days and people just flat out don't want to waste it.
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