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I've skimmed some of it through google books & it seems pretty interesting.
From what I've read, I'd be inclined to operate as "volatile" in a relationship, which I appreciate is discussed as a style & not a problem in itself (showing the cons of "validating" "conflict-avoidant" relationships too).
The problem I have not seen discussed yet (haven't read the whole thing) is that likely most don't prefer this style. He also speaks of the style as belonging to a couple, when individuals may differ on their style.
I already know that I was volatile and my ex boyfriend was avoidant. We seemed to meet in the middle ground of "validating", but I felt like there was an elephant in the room too much, and he found a lot of my expression too intense (called things "arguing" which I'd never label as such).
If the local library system carries it, then I may check it out.
John Gottman has researched couples for decades in the Pacific Northwest. ...His theories are borne out time and again. He puts a big emphasis on communication. I've used his books in session as bibliotherapy. Yeah, he's right on.
Gottman's books (this one, and several others) were recommended to me by a friend, in the months after my then-wife left me, before our marriage entered the divorce-stage. During those months, we met sporadically in attempt to pursue dialog. I noticed that while our marriage was healthy, our style of arguing followed loosely what Gottman described as the pattern of a healthy couple. But in the interregnum between separation and divorce, the "four horsemen" had arrived, and dire apathy set in. It was partially through consulting such books that I realized that the marriage was indeed doomed.
In other words, I agree with Gottman about the predictive signals of whether a marriage will succeed, but disagree in one crucial point: those signals can change throughout a marriage. They're not the result of character and compatibility, but evolve over the years. They can signal "stable marriage" for years, and suddenly swing to "unstable marriage" with little warning. This is because while the character of people changes little throughout adult lives, values and aspirations can change drastically.
I disagree. My wife and I share all three of those but we still argue. I still have not learned how to deal with a womans bitchiness, criticism and being so particular about everything. Are there any truly easygoing women out there????? Are they all so critical and particular (have to have everything a certain way)??? Do I just keep foolishly choosing the same women each time?
I'm happy for the author that his book is being read and that he's (hopefully) making money from it but it's just a twist on the basic which is less to do with "conflict resolution" than "communication". The majority of conflicts arise (and certainly not confined to intimate relationships) because people just don't know how to properly express themselves.
This book was recommended to me to read and I thought I'd share some points I've gleaned from it thus far:
1. The greatest predictor of whether a marriage will be successful is how the couple handles conflict or disagreements. Wait, I already said that in the title, didn't I? Oh well, I'm saying it again and this time, adding that the book says that there is more than oneway to handle conflict in a marriage that is successful (3 ways to be precise). You'll have to read the book to find out the three different ways. It claims that any other way leads to divorce. It describes them in a fair amount of detail. A couple of them surprised me.
2. Along with proper conflict management, there must be a PRECISE ratio of positive (not neutral, positive) moments vs. negative moments together that is 5:1. Anything more or less will result in divorce. Again, read the book if you want more details.
3. If one or both of the couple starts experiencing one of The Four Horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or withdrawal, you're on a slippery slope that will lead to divorce. The book gives ways to identify and avoid this.
If done right, all of these things make the couple feel like their marriage is good/happy, even if not perfect, and, therefore, they stay together forever.
This is how the book defines a successful marriage.
Nice logical explanation of it though, too bad attraction doesn't work like that.
Most guys see marriage as a "magical place" from which they can either become complacent and or their lives will be "complete." They think they can go in without a worry in the world. This is completely false. Marriage is an extreme form of an exclusive relationship, with that being said, the male MUST be on his A game at all times. Especially with the way divorce "fairness" is towards men, the marriage is based SOLELY on HER interest. However in the event that he marries a "psychotic" girl, then he can't win, yes I'm talking about BPD and some forms of HPD.
Let's assume this is a normal circumstance, no personality disorders involved. All of what you listed is a sign of decreasing interest. When a women is deeply/highly attracted to a man, NO arguments will ever arise. Why? Because she trusts his masculine core which allows HER to stay in her feminine core. This means that the man is always in his masculine core thus constantly "gaming her." The second he steps out of his core and becomes complacent, then that's when the issues arise. She will begin to question his core by sending him tests and starting random arguments. The more he fails, the more arguments and problems arise. Not many guys can maintain this level of zen because they simply lack the discipline needed to control and regulate their emotions and actions.
Being exclusive with someone is a lot harder to maintain for this sole reason. It's not a walk in the park.
In other words, I agree with Gottman about the predictive signals of whether a marriage will succeed, but disagree in one crucial point: those signals can change throughout a marriage. They're not the result of character and compatibility, but evolve over the years. They can signal "stable marriage" for years, and suddenly swing to "unstable marriage" with little warning. This is because while the character of people changes little throughout adult lives, values and aspirations can change drastically.
This^ makes a lot of sense to me.
Change may manifest gradually, incrementally, almost imperceptibly-which, when a "critical mass"
(in emotional feeling, however one weighs the pros & cons) is reached-appears seemingly overnight, all of a sudden, out of nowhere.
For the vast majority of cases (of people not participating in a research study), there's no way to know if a relationship will end, and how soon, ahead of time.
A person may have no idea when or how he/she might change in the future, in all sorts of areas/aspects.
Also, I would guess there are plenty of relationships that aren't considered healthy or nourishing, yet people remain in those relationships for a long time anyway.
Agree that effective communication, compliments to balance out the criticism, and how both people handle conflict are important...
just that I don't see it as quite that mathematically precise.
I think it's a no-brainer that how you address conflict and how you proceed with intimacy even when there is conflict are big things that play into how healthy and long-lived your relationships will be.
I don't buy that there is a mathematical algorithm that concisely predicts the demise of a relationship. Emotions don't exist in a form that fits mathematical equations.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by srjth
This book was recommended to me to read and I thought I'd share some points I've gleaned from it thus far:
1. The greatest predictor of whether a marriage will be successful is how the couple handles conflict or disagreements. Wait, I already said that in the title, didn't I? Oh well, I'm saying it again and this time, adding that the book says that there is more than oneway to handle conflict in a marriage that is successful (3 ways to be precise). You'll have to read the book to find out the three different ways. It claims that any other way leads to divorce. It describes them in a fair amount of detail. A couple of them surprised me.
2. Along with proper conflict management, there must be a PRECISE ratio of positive (not neutral, positive) moments vs. negative moments together that is 5:1. Anything more or less will result in divorce. Again, read the book if you want more details.
3. If one or both of the couple starts experiencing one of The Four Horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or withdrawal, you're on a slippery slope that will lead to divorce. The book gives ways to identify and avoid this.
If done right, all of these things make the couple feel like their marriage is good/happy, even if not perfect, and, therefore, they stay together forever.
This is how the book defines a successful marriage.
Based on situations, where the conflict is external, I would say I absolutely have to agree. If a couple has each others back against the world, so to speak, that relationship will grow and last forever, no doubt.
In normal everyday practical application, the ratio aspect is a bit over thought. My grandparents raised me and The Four Horsemen were the very foundation of their marriage in retrospective analysis. It seemed like a rediculous way to spend a life to me; but, they were committed to making each other, and everyone around them, miserable until death they did part.
I guess that too could be seen as the way they handled conflict working, albeit, dysfunctionally. Best wishes with the book. The data is interesting.
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and this time, adding that the book says that there is more than one way to handle conflict in a marriage that is successful (3 ways to be precise). You'll have to read the book to find out the three different ways. It claims that any other way leads to divorce. It describes them in a fair amount of detail. A couple of them surprised me.
Agree that effective communication, compliments to balance out the criticism, and how both people handle conflict are important...
