Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Men are often accused of being afraid of commitment. But why is this a bad thing? Committing to someone, especially if it's a lifetime commitment, is a pretty big deal. Shouldn't you be afraid? It just always struck me as a little odd to call out someone's fear as if it's a character flaw. And the way people level the accusation, it's almost like they're challenging the person to prove they're not afraid. Is that a good reason to get married? To prove that you're not afraid of committing?
I've found commitment means different things to different people. A healthy "fear" of a commitment like marriage is a good thing in my opinion. Marriage is a serious thing and if it fails, is even more serious. It should be carefully thought about and considered. Not rushed in to.
But the fear of a temporary commitment seems a bit unreasonable to me. By this I mean the guys who won't commit to being a exclusive until sex happens. In that case, what's to be afraid of? Say, sure, we are dating exclusively, have sex, if it sex stinks, then break up. It also never made sense to me because guys will often say that woman can get sex more easily than them. You'd think they wouldn't want their potential girlfriend sleeping around and possibly falling for other men (because it's scientifically proven that women secrete more of the "bonding" hormone oxytocin than men do after sex)... but whatever.
There is a difference between being afraid to commit and not finding the right person to commit to. A fear of commitment can keep you from living your life to the fullest. Not committing to the wrong person can save you a lot of heartache and misery.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,995,252 times
Reputation: 40635
I don't think fear is a good thing at all. Not wanting to jump into commitment and being so willing to cast it off so fast is a good thing.
I don't commit easily. It takes a lot to make me want to commit. I have to "know" there is a good chance for something more and I have to adore the person. People who commit and have an attitude, well, if it doesn't work, we'll break up, no big deal, really get to me... why commit then, why not just date? That isn't a real committal. That is playing damn games. Commitments need to mean something, not just be a term.
I see committing to fast too soon as a far far larger problem in the dating world than the opposite, honestly.
I don't think fear is a good thing at all. Not wanting to jump into commitment and being so willing to cast it off so fast is a good thing.
I don't commit easily. It takes a lot to make me want to commit. I have to "know" there is a good chance for something more and I have to adore the person. People who commit and have an attitude, well, if it doesn't work, we'll break up, no big deal, really get to me... why commit then, why not just date? That isn't a real committal. That is playing damn games. Commitments need to mean something, not just be a term.
I see committing to fast too soon as a far far larger problem in the dating world than the opposite, honestly.
I can answer your question of why commit, why not just date. When I talk about it, I am thinking sexual. How can you really, seriously consider someone as a potential boyfriend (or girlfriend) if you are off having sex with someone else? It's a big turn off for me. Plus, like I said, sex for a lot of people (mostly women) has a bonding effect. If we are dating and haven't gotten to a sexual stage yet and you are off having sex with another woman... that's just an invitation for trouble, jealousy, and drama. There is also an ick factor with the potential spread of STDs... but I can see where that might be more of an emotional reaction. But then again, that's what relationships are... emotional reactions.
I guess I just don't see what the big deal is. You date someone, you promise not to have sex with anyone else while you get to know and get comfortable with each other, then, when you do have sex with that person... you either continue or move on if the sex was that big of a deal breaker.
Have you met the women who've incessantly made these types of claims? I work with one. She's totally off her rocker most of the time. She's the type you'll invite out to meet your friends and have her face buried in her cell phone 90% of the time and act as if she has somewhere better to be. She claims that most men aren't capable of committing, but is first to admit that she refuses to chase after anyone and will drop you as soon as you show any signs of being difficult. She's been dating one guy for a couple months now and has already broke up with him twice. Did I mention she's 35 and has never had a serious, long term relationship?
The women who make these claims usually scare off any willing participant because of their erratic and merciless behavior. And because they can't attract a qualified mate that meets their standards, they lay the blame on the opposite gender as having an inherent character flaw in their genetic make-up.
Men are often accused of being afraid of commitment. But why is this a bad thing? Committing to someone, especially if it's a lifetime commitment, is a pretty big deal. Shouldn't you be afraid? It just always struck me as a little odd to call out someone's fear as if it's a character flaw. And the way people level the accusation, it's almost like they're challenging the person to prove they're not afraid. Is that a good reason to get married? To prove that you're not afraid of committing?
Here's the thing, fear based decisions are rarely good decisions (expect in cases of life and death).
Of course it's natural to have some degree of trepidation before embarking on a big life decision such as marriage!
But fear that actually keeps you from action, from something you know you really want, indicates a problem.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,995,252 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by jillabean
How can you really, seriously consider someone as a potential boyfriend (or girlfriend) if you are off having sex with someone else? It's a big turn off for me. Plus, like I said, sex for a lot of people (mostly women) has a bonding effect.
I guess I just don't see what the big deal is. You date someone, you promise not to have sex with anyone else while you get to know and get comfortable with each other, then, when you do have sex with that person... you either continue or move on if the sex was that big of a deal breaker.
You're talking different things. Commitment and sexual exclusivity are different. You can easily have one without the other.
And yes, you can bond with someone when you're having sex with other people. I've had close emotional bondings with women (and sex with them) for years (over a decade with one friend and love) outside of a commitment. Neither of us wanted a commitment with each other. We were no less bonded because of it. Our bond lasts to this day, many years after we decided to stop sleeping together. I'm not poly, but plenty of people that are, or are in one of the alt lifestyles do sleep with multiple people and yet still bond and commit, they really are two different conversations.
Your last paragraph is dating with a sexual exclusivity agreement. You can do that and still not be in a committed relationship and be free to date other people.
But, I, take commitment very seriously. It isn't something I do at the drop of the hat. People I commit to I don't throw out of my life just because things hit a rocky road or the sex wasn't that good (of course, I wouldn't commit before knowing that). Being a couple is a BIG BIG deal. To proclaim to the world that you're now part of a couple is not a small step. Just like introducing someone to your friends or family isn't a small step. That is something that I believe should be done only when you really really know it has a good chance of going somewhere special.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,995,252 times
Reputation: 40635
I'd even at, closer to home, and more currently, when I started dating the person I'm currently seeing, there was, of course, not commitment or sexual exclsivity. We just met. I'm sure she was playing around with others during those weeks. It certainly didn't impact negatively my desire to be with her, or my feelings, and apparently my situation didn't impact hers. We agreed upon sexual exclusivity later (about a week or so ago) with pending test results, but we're certainly not to the bf/gf stage yet. That is some time away, if it ever happens.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
