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Old 07-21-2014, 05:11 PM
 
Location: Redwood Shores, Ca
377 posts, read 531,928 times
Reputation: 584

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Memphis1979 View Post
I assume he is really the same way. Yes, he tells the kids bad crap when he has them and that drives me nuts. But I'm taking the higher road, I see no need to fight. As you said, it would truly only ever hurt them.
Yeah, I went through, and bit my lip for 4 + years, and the high road was costing me too much time and money. He was a punk, he deserved it, and his girls never found out....thing about guys like that, then never admit when they get punked off themselves.
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Old 07-21-2014, 05:13 PM
 
Location: mainland but born oahu
6,657 posts, read 7,729,979 times
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and father of my kids and was told i had to find something else to call myself i would be serving a prison term for murder.
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Old 07-21-2014, 05:14 PM
 
Location: Sango, TN
24,869 posts, read 24,344,453 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hawaiian by heart View Post
@Memphis1979

I have to ask you if you think she is a sure thing? If she is, then would it matter if its now or a year later before you guys get together? My point is, unless im misunderstanding, this gal is still married? Even if she filed divorce a few mths ago. A hard truth to swallow is, your gal and her ex still have unresolved issues and your involvement just complicites the matter. Your not taking the higher ground your selfrightously imposing your will into this issue. Your not to be 100% blamed, your girl shouldn't have gotten involved in a serious relationship until her first relationship was resolved.

Sure after any breakup everyone wants to move on. Its sometimes more tougher to move on with a marriage and children are involved.

My suggestion really honestly, is to back off, let them find there closure and end game. If its real with her, it will be real when the process is complete and closure has happened.
She's a sure thing. We've been dating for the better part of a year to make sure.

However, we aren't even talking about moving in together until next May at the absolute earliest. She is still going to maintain her residence in west tennessee where we are from. She manages a part of her families fruit business. This fall in the off season we are going to see more of one another here at my place. Working 6 days a week from 5 till 8 at night doesn't leave much time for her to travel at this point.

He is even upset about my being around Amy, not even the kids. He uses the kids as a reason to get upset so he can talk to her. She knows he could probably care less about the kids and is more into trying to get her back under his thumb. They are in divorce proceedings right now.

Its complicated. I see no reason why we can't date just because it hurts his ego. I've even told her its ok with me if he doesn't want me to be with the kids as much right now. Like I said, its not really about the kids. My fear is his obsession with her will lead us to throwing blows, which could be very traumatic if the kids where to see it.
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Old 07-21-2014, 05:25 PM
 
Location: mainland but born oahu
6,657 posts, read 7,729,979 times
Reputation: 3137
@Memphis1979

Look my friend im not here to judge you, you sound like a decent guy so far as i can tell. My brothers ex thought everything he did for his children was to get back with her. She wantted to move on with her life which is fine but she wouldnt let him move on with his. She wantted the control but didn't want the responsibility of that control. My poor brother, the only involvement he wantted with his ex was related to there children, he kept trying to improve the relationship with his ex not to get back with her but to improve his relationship with his kids. He found that he couldn't be the father he wantted to be by going thru the system, his hope was by having contact with his ex and improving the communication, this would eventually improve his time with his kids. It eventually broke his heart. Good luck

Last edited by hawaiian by heart; 07-21-2014 at 05:38 PM..
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Old 07-21-2014, 06:07 PM
 
Location: Sango, TN
24,869 posts, read 24,344,453 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hawaiian by heart View Post
and father of my kids and was told i had to find something else to call myself i would be serving a prison term for murder.
I have upset Amy by telling her that her children do not need to call me Dad. They should call me by my name. I do that for him, even if I don't believe he deserves the title for the same reason you just said
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Old 07-22-2014, 11:55 AM
 
9,301 posts, read 8,324,788 times
Reputation: 7328
Quote:
Originally Posted by Memphis1979 View Post
Long story, I'll try and summarize.

I knew a girl from High school that I loved about two years ago November. We had dated one another in school and our early 20s.

I began talking to her periodically and in April of 2013 we dated again. She had left her husband and moved out in December of 2012. So we were both going through a separation with plans on divorce.

Long story short, her physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive ex will go from "I hate you woman" to "I love you and can't we work things out". They have not lived under the same roof since 2012.

He wants to fight me, which I think is just stupid and childish, and has told several people if he ever sees me he is immediately going to just rush me.

Amy and I have simply fallen more and more in live with one another. We have become closer and closer through this. Call me silly, but I naturally parent pretty good. Her kids love me. I was over for two weeks to stay with Amy and the kids over the fourth, it was great. This weekend I go over and Amys daughter begins grilling me, and we discover that her father is talking to her about me in a negative light.

Not sure how to defuse the situation. I'm no fan of him, I think he is a mid 40s man child who can't let go of a marriage he had the major part in destroying. He can't stand me being around the kids for any amount of time because he believes I am th only one standing between him and getting her back under his thumb.

Of course there is so much story between now and then.

How does this end? We simply want to move on with our lives. Amy filed for divorce last May, and he still calls her one day saying he loves her and wants her back, the next he is calling her *****.

Am I angry? Partly. I can't hear someone I care about, especially a woman, who is being degraded verbally. But I bite my tongue. We are taking the high road, but this is starting to get ridiculous.

Fighting in your 30s and 40s is just stupid. We are obviously going to all be in these children's lives and should behave like adults for them. Unfortunately it seems we have one member of this 4 adult group who can't let go and is threatening to become violent.
There is a similarity with this situation and my situation. The only thing similar is that I know a woman who was in a relationship with an abusive man. We haven't really spent that much time together. I don't know how her children feel about me. She was married to this really big and tall guy. This guy was violent to her to the point where he could have killed her. She managed to escape. She is far away from him.

He doesn't know anything about me because it is not that type of relationship. But he is extremely possessive (from what I hear) and if he saw me talking to her, it would be a fight. But I know a few things instinctively that could shut the whole situation down.

She is not hearing it from her ex. She doesn't even contact him. He tries, but no. Whenever I see someone picking on her, I just want to spring into action, because she has been through hell, a lot like Amy. The only difference is that my friend is already divorced.


I hate to say it, but you and the soon to be ex can't be in the same picture. With a woman that has been brutalized, the only thing you can do is be compassionate and live through all the spears that she throws at you (depending on the woman, some actually pull through just fine after a short bit). Also, do not bring up the past. At the same time, let her talk about it because she needs to process things. She definitely needs a lot of space.

Do what you can to provide a positive environment for her. In order for anyone to move on, they have to have something to move on to.
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Old 07-22-2014, 12:34 PM
 
Location: Concord, California
943 posts, read 1,002,939 times
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It sounds like you have a pretty good perspective, considering.
The two of you will have to learn together how to stand together and resist this guy without letting it mess up what you have. It definitely adds a whole new paradigm to the great possibilities you share, not a positive one.
Maybe by sharing this trial you two will become closer and stronger as a couple, and as individuals. Try to find out what resources are available to support the two of you and the kids too. Leave no stone unturned when it comes to the safety and well-being of your new family.
Good luck. Nice to see a man with virtue and integrity by the way.
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Old 07-22-2014, 12:38 PM
 
Location: Sango, TN
24,869 posts, read 24,344,453 times
Reputation: 8672
Quote:
Originally Posted by TJenkins602 View Post
There is a similarity with this situation and my situation. The only thing similar is that I know a woman who was in a relationship with an abusive man. We haven't really spent that much time together. I don't know how her children feel about me. She was married to this really big and tall guy. This guy was violent to her to the point where he could have killed her. She managed to escape. She is far away from him.

He doesn't know anything about me because it is not that type of relationship. But he is extremely possessive (from what I hear) and if he saw me talking to her, it would be a fight. But I know a few things instinctively that could shut the whole situation down.

She is not hearing it from her ex. She doesn't even contact him. He tries, but no. Whenever I see someone picking on her, I just want to spring into action, because she has been through hell, a lot like Amy. The only difference is that my friend is already divorced.


I hate to say it, but you and the soon to be ex can't be in the same picture. With a woman that has been brutalized, the only thing you can do is be compassionate and live through all the spears that she throws at you (depending on the woman, some actually pull through just fine after a short bit). Also, do not bring up the past. At the same time, let her talk about it because she needs to process things. She definitely needs a lot of space.

Do what you can to provide a positive environment for her. In order for anyone to move on, they have to have something to move on to.
I wouldn't call Chad abusive. Amy said he hit her one time, and she kicked the crap out of him. She has no fear of me being able to defend myself against him. He is about 5'6" and around 140lbs. Thats not it at all. Remember, she is a tall woman, and many men can't do what she can physically. Still sexy as hell. Anyway, he simply doesn't want to let go. My fear is hurting the kids by seeing us fight. Trying to defuse that situation. He gets drunk, then gets up nerve, and my advantages over him physically don't seem to compute as well in his brain is our biggest fear. And I have a temper mind you, and if a grown man comes up to me and puts his finger in my chest or gets nose to chest (yes I'm tall) with me, I'm not going to just stand there and let him do that. Now if he wants to yell, scream, cuss and spit, I don't care, just not in my face, that is a physically aggressive stance, and one in which I will defend myself when put into.

Amy has been through some rough stuff. Abandoned by the people she thought cared about her. She made mistakes, but all of thats the past in which no one can change. We are simply trying to move forward. She doesn't throw spears at me, and on a crazy scale of 4-10 (there is no such thing as 0 crazy) she is a 7. She knows this, but hell I'm probably at a 8 or 9 crazy and she loves me anyway. She is like a best friend you can have sex with and confide in, its great. We have no real problems with us, its the outside influences that give us trouble, my ex and hers mainly.
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Old 07-22-2014, 01:42 PM
 
9,301 posts, read 8,324,788 times
Reputation: 7328
Quote:
Originally Posted by Memphis1979 View Post
I wouldn't call Chad abusive. Amy said he hit her one time, and she kicked the crap out of him. She has no fear of me being able to defend myself against him. He is about 5'6" and around 140lbs. Thats not it at all. Remember, she is a tall woman, and many men can't do what she can physically. Still sexy as hell. Anyway, he simply doesn't want to let go. My fear is hurting the kids by seeing us fight. Trying to defuse that situation. He gets drunk, then gets up nerve, and my advantages over him physically don't seem to compute as well in his brain is our biggest fear. And I have a temper mind you, and if a grown man comes up to me and puts his finger in my chest or gets nose to chest (yes I'm tall) with me, I'm not going to just stand there and let him do that. Now if he wants to yell, scream, cuss and spit, I don't care, just not in my face, that is a physically aggressive stance, and one in which I will defend myself when put into.

Amy has been through some rough stuff. Abandoned by the people she thought cared about her. She made mistakes, but all of thats the past in which no one can change. We are simply trying to move forward. She doesn't throw spears at me, and on a crazy scale of 4-10 (there is no such thing as 0 crazy) she is a 7. She knows this, but hell I'm probably at a 8 or 9 crazy and she loves me anyway. She is like a best friend you can have sex with and confide in, its great. We have no real problems with us, its the outside influences that give us trouble, my ex and hers mainly.
Wow.

There are some similarities and differences. One main difference is that we are just friends. Another difference is she is average height for a female and I'm just above average for a male. Her ex sounds like he could be at least 7' tall. That is at least a full foot taller than me (I myself am statistically tall). I doubt it is going to come to a physical altercation between me and him, though. He is somewhere far north and east. While I am not the biggest or the tallest, I am rather tricky. I'm not a fighter, but I am a survivor.

From what I have seen from her, she is probably a 4 on the crazy scale. She has said certain things to me that made it sound like she was stalking me. I myself am more like a 9, too. But if you want to see crazy, hurt her. I'd take crazy to a completely new level.

Ain't no sex happening between us. And like your situation, there are no real problems between us. It is outside forces attacking her, or attacking me. She does have children. Most likely he was pretty dangerous with them, too. Otherwise, they probably wouldn't be with her.


But as of right now, the ex is the least of our worries.

You have my best wishes that this whole situation gets worked out. Also glad to hear that your girl handled that business when it came time to. Many women are not so fortunate.
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