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The part in red is key. The scenario was requested rather than something that was mutually proposed. It shouldn't be something that someone has to be talked into or a fantasy that only one of them has.
Wmsn4life: I appreciate you responding to my post. Thank you for giving your opinion. It honestly makes me feel a little better that you think he is taking it all out on me. I felt like that at first but I think I have let the guilt I feel when I see him so upset take over. At this point I just feel like it's a my fault and I have to find a way to fix it. I just have no idea how to start earring someone's trust again. I have never been the kind of person to betray someone or do anything to put me in this position. I feel terrible and I tears my heart apart to look at him and know how he is feeling and that it's my fault. I am the reason for the pain he is feeling. The only thing I do know for sure is that his love for me us strong because if it was not he would not feel so hurt and betrayed.
Why do you think is your fault???
He deserves all his messed up thoughts about trust and respect.
Stop limping around, stand up for yourself and tell him, "Deal with it!! This is what you wanted!"
Honestly I don't know how you only got sound unless you knocked over the camera.
There was appoint where the man asked me a question about how I felt about my husband... If I really loved him to be exact, which I did not answer. (This man is married as well)... This man asked the question several times and the first time he asked I told him I was not going to talk about my husband or his wife with him.
I think this is what's really bothering your husband. He was ok sharing you sexually but not emotionally. Why would the guy ask this unless he's looking for an opening for more or driving a wedge between you? Why woudn't you unequivocally answer yes? If you are going to swing with others, first thing you need to do is make it clear this is just for fun and nothing more. I wonder... does your husband believe the video didn't work and the guy couldn't finish or does he suspect you turned it off and had a great time with the guy but aren't "sharing" it?
I think this is what's really bothering your husband. He was ok sharing you sexually but not emotionally. Why would the guy ask this unless he's looking for an opening for more or driving a wedge between you? Why woudn't you unequivocally answer yes? If you are going to swing with others, first thing you need to do is make it clear this is just for fun and nothing more. I wonder... does your husband believe the video didn't work and the guy couldn't finish or does he suspect you turned it off and had a great time with the guy but aren't "sharing" it?
There was audio.. Her husband wasn't able to see, but he could hear.
This all happened Friday night and he has gone through several phases of anger. First with himself for ever asking me to do it, then with the man (his friend) not for doing it but basically pointing out all of the things he doesn't like about his friend and even as far as saying that he will never speak to him again but this last phase of anger has turned toward me and that's where he has left it. At this point he blames me for all of it and feels like I have disrespected him and made a fool of him to the point that he doesn't want to be around me or talk to me at all. Right now he sees this as something that is never going to be ok. He says he has lost all respect for me and doesn't feel the same way anymore. He has shut down and won't talk to me and doesn't even want to be around me. When we have to communicate for anything he won't look at me unless he has to and even them the look on in his eyes is something I have never seen before from him. I see hate and pain.. Just a cold blank stare. If I let him have this space he us wanting and I do nothing to try to make things better I feel like I am giving up, but if I keep trying to talk to him and act like things are as normal as always then I am afraid That will push him farther away. I am turn between pushing my luck and trying to force him to communicate with me or just giving him the space and having faith that he will work through this himself. I just don't know.....
Listen to what you're saying here. Start thinking clearly now - ok. You and your husband may need to separate for awhile, you both need some space to breathe. This is not healthy for you or him right now. Is there a family member or close friend you can stay with for awhile. Stop chatting on here and you get to a therapist ASAP ok - this is getting emotionally absuive for you at this point.
You got to take the next step toward moving forward, right now you're kinda stuck and scared I hear that, (hugs) but try and take step toward healing ok Reach out to your family and friends and get counseling also journaling, meditating, walking, etc. will help ground you and find your center.
How desensitized to sex must you become in order to want to explore such fantasies?
That being said, human sexuality is fascinating stuff and obviously pleasurable to think about. Fine line to walk for people with strong desires. It's easy to see how people can get carried away (hence why I've taken a bit of a step back from this place among other reasons ).
How was this a sign of losing trust, and respect? Why do you sound so certain that your beliefs are the right one? Are you her mother, because you speak like you are.
Seriously you would leave and divorce your husband of x amount of years if he asked you? And you would punch him and sue? You would do all of that because of a question? That's harsh. So if you husband came to you, and wanted to discuss something that was important to him, and you sit down to talk, and he says>>I have always loved you from the first time I saw you at Micheals, buying craft paper. You know the past 15 years have been so wonderful sharing with you. I have never felt so close to anyone, like I do with you. I have been wanting to discuss something with you, but I just want to be reassured, that you will be open in mind, and not hasty with judgement. and then he asks....still ready to curb him?
You're damn well right I would curb him. I'd kick him there.
Sorry, but my opinion of ANYONE who even considers bringing another person into the marriage for ANY reason has no self-worth, no self-respect, and deserves none in return.
My man would never ask me this because he respects me, which is a lot more than I can say for this guy and anyone else contemplating this sort of thing.
That is actually something that came up I our conversations after this happened. But he goes back and forth on that. At first he wanted to do it again and make sure the video worked and that there was not the alcohol problem involved... But then he changed his mind and said he didn't ever want to do anything again. We also talked about him having the chance to do the same thing with no video to even the score so to say... But that got thrown out too eventually. At this point he has shut himself down and doesn't want to talk about any of it anymore. Like he has made up his mind now that it's all my fault and I am the one that did wrong to him and he doesn't want to talk to me at all unless it is necessary. I have tried to explain how things happened and I have even admitted that I understand that I could have made a better decision to stop things when I realized that the alcohol was a problem (because I didn't know the video was not recording that is obviously not my fault)... But he did listen to the audio which is not very clear because there was music playing during most of it, but what he hears on the audio bothers him because what is clear enough to hear are the sounds we made and a little of what was said. There was appoint where the man asked me a question about how I felt about my husband... If I really loved him to be exact, which I did not answer. (This man is married as well)... This man asked the question several times and the first time he asked I told him I was not going to talk about my husband or his wife with him. After I told him that I never responded to the question again when he asked, but at one point when he asked I didn't respond and a minute or so after that he thought he heard a knock at the door and he nodded his head toward the door and I said "no" .. To let him know that no one was there... And of course because this is only audio my husband can't see what is happening so he thinks I answered his question of wether it not I love my husband with "no". I tried to explain it to him, but there is no way for me to prove anything. I have went through the audio with him several times and I have tried to tell him play by play of how everything happened several times but he never can let me get through all of it because the doubt and anger and jealousy and whatever else emotions he is feeling takes over and he doesn't let me finish telling everything. At this point I am completely at a loss as to what I can do to fix all of this. I even thought about having this man come to talk to both of is about all of it to clear things up, but I found out the next day that he told my husband that he can't remember what happened... Says he got too drunk and doesn't remember...probably because he is a friend if my husbands and wasn't as prepared for what he was getting in to as he thought he was. I just don't know.
This is all I needed to see. I am done here. IMO, you both are getting what you deserved. I feel bad for the other man's wife, and I hope she gets tested for STDs.
Location: Went around the corner & now I'm lost!!!!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WildCard~
When I took my marriage values I was agreeing to be faithful to my husband and likewise and your right I'm a woman, so lets get something straight , yeah some of us wife's don't mind being owned or better yet, treated as a rare treasure , for our husband pleasure only and not to be handed around like an ashtray letting another man f us over! .... If my husband came to me asking such a thing I'd be hurt , I not feel special or loved.. Asking your partner to have sex with another is not the same as being unfaithful , since one done in secret nor are they asking their spouse to engage....
Next we are not talking about a man who had his manhood rip off in a freak accident and a sexual flustered wife here... That be a whole other topic...
Last there is a reason why some of us have very strong loving marriages , even after many, many years together...Simple put, comes down to trust nor do we let others into our private relationship! Ever...
Yes, I understand after a friend of mine explained this to me thrice before I got it; had to put myself in the perspective which a man sees it. To a man who has chosen this woman to be his wife, she is his prize possession. Lovemaking is a very intimate act between JUST the two of them as the saying goes "I am my lover and my lover is mine." To a husband, a woman allows another to come into her. In other words, she must open her legs to invite him in a "space" only for the husband to enjoy; not another man to invade. This is why.
Now why men don't see the opposite is also true is the mystery...or plain old selfishness and total disregard for his chosen female mate.
But in this instance, both were foolish in making this decision and must own up to their responsibility here.
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