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Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by convextech
Maybe I'm from a different planet, but if I were to consider going outside of my marriage, then I would have already talked to my husband about it, and then would have divorced him first.
Her husband is the only one at fault here.
That is your right, and that is certainly an option. Other people make different choices. If needs weren't being met, people sometimes discuss it with their partner and try to find a way to meet them together, with our without other people. But, going behind someones back is not right, certainly. He should be talk to his partner for a multitude of reasons, but there also needs to be the openness and the communication between the two people so that people can feel like they can speak to their partner about these serious issues. That climate of open and honest communication developing is the part that is a two way street that they're both responsible for.
When the terms of a contract (marriage) and or mutually agreed upon monogamous relationship is potentially being violated by one of the parties and/or one suspects that their could be a breach of said contract.
The person that is being lied to, deceived and manipulated has the right to obtain the truth through any means necessary. Especially if their is physical cheating taking place: risk of STDs, etc.
The immature cheating, deception and secret life of one person should not ever result in the other person simply accepting the situation and/or being blind to it and living in a constant state of not knowing what is going on.
Any person that values themselves would be concerned and has a right to secure the truth through any means necessary.
I had one instance when I suspected a woman I was with was cheating on me (flight attendant) and I figured out the password to her voicemail on the third attempt. Her phone was off since she was flying so I had a chance to dial into it, hit the '*' key and make attempts. I heard messages that she had saved from another guy (sexual) and even a message that he left that day that said 'hey babe, it's 4:55 heading to the airport. . . ' and she was flying into LA that night. I compiled additional intel in the hours that followed and then called the hotel that her employer always has flight crew stay at, and wouldn't you know. . . . she never checked in. And her phone was off all night well into the next day.
My research that day saved me a lot of future stress, money and emotional energy. It enabled me to make a clean break and have the information to know the reason why.
I ended things. . . . but ran some additional intel months later. She cheated on that guy, with a new guy and then cheated on that clown with a new guy - and is currently cheating on the new guy with someone else.
Intel and research is a way for a normal person that does not like living in a cognitive fog, to obtain information to base their own decisions in life on and decide objectively whether or not they want to stay with someone based on concrete facts of reality.
Think about your dating and married life with him. Were there other signs that your husband may be gay?
Ask him directly if he is bisexual or gay. You know his personality. Will he get defensive and not address your question or will he break down and tell the truth? If you know that he will be defensive and lie, hire a private detective. If you know that he will be truthful, listen to his story without being judgemental and decide what you want for you and your children. Most husbands who are gay have suffered with their true feelings for years want the wife to find out. He knows that you use the same Ipad and that at some point, you would find something.
this must be devastating to you and your marriage.
If you are really asking, a kind discussion and a time out is probably in order giving you both time to sort it out. Your family is facing some big decisions.
But what I would NOT do is nothing. Can only lead to heartbreak and family problems if you all do not address it in some way.
Sooo, last night I made a shocking discovery. For a few months now I've had my gut tell me that something wasn't quite right in my marriage. No concrete proof, but just a suspicion. So last night, my husband went out for drinks and I decided to look through his ipad. Thought I hit a dead end because his settings clear his viewing history everytime safari is closed and there are no social media apps on the ipad, nor is his email synched. However, this isn't too odd, because we have 3 kids who all use the ipad regularly. Anyhow, somehow I ended up on the spotlight search a preview of an old email from December of last year popped up. I couldn't access it, because the email account was no longer synched, but the preview alone made me ill. The subject line read: Re: Married top for Married Bottom - FWB. In the body of the email all I saw was: No, but I live close to there. The mobile site won't let me send an attachment, I have to open my laptop.
Soooooo, I'm going through my head trying to think of every possible explanation aside from the obvious. Do you think he's gay/bi/dl. Would you confront him with this, or try to get more information? A part of me wants to just leave, because I feel a confrontation would be real ugly. What would you do?
Straight men don't solicit other men for discreet homosexual intercourse. Sorry.
1. This is an awesome opportunity to apply the meaning of life ... LOVE ... to your marriage and to open healing for both of you. What a gift!
2. Anybody can cut and run. That's the cowardly way.
In real life, you can engineer any kind of relationship or marriage you two adults agree on... including an open marriage. You both just have to be honest.
3. The honesty required to deal with this will make both of you grow GREATLY.
(ignore the dunderheads who've made ignorant comments based upon their own small-minded brainwashing.)
4.[*]He needs to explore what it is that, "bottom" represents for him. Power?
5. I mean ... why is he looking for anything outside of your marriage? What's missing? .
I'm going to start by saying that I found this post outrageously unrealistic tho I can't say as I blame you since that was my attitude going in, or at least when he first came out. I had this idea we'd get family counseling and reconfigure a new type of relationship, tho w/o sex of course. Communication lines would finally open up and we'd be more honest with each other than we'd ever been before. But you know what? He had no time for that--he was so giddy with delight at finally being able to do what he wanted that he just walked away from us and never looked back. Oh he still saw the girls some but he hates me for "holding him down" for all those years. Yes he said that. Admitted I was a good wife but that's what he hated--he could not find an excuse to divorce me w/o coming out. So yeah, #1, an opportunity if both are interested but don't count on the gay partner to take an interest.
#2: I know someone who stayed by her man for the last 25 yrs after she found out but she has severe regrets. For one thing, she didn't want to bring children into it for fear of things not working out. For another, she was sworn to silence w her family so she doesn't have that means of support either. And then she never had a feeling that he truly was her man. Sick all the way around and I'll bet she wishes now shed been "cowardly" enough to leave him.
#3: yes this I agree with but when you're done talking, realize he's probably ready to move on. Guilt will only move him for so long so the OP will need a good lawyer.
#4: bottom means he's been a top for too long and wants to try the other. Yeah OP, the visuals will drive you insane for awhile.
#5: I think everyone here knows what's missing here, hint, starts with a P. Short of OP getting a sex change op, she will not be able to meet his needs. If she lucky, she can keep a friendship intact, but as hard as I tried, I was not able to do that.
"...why is he looking for anything outside of your marriage? What's missing?"
Give me a break. Nobody is responsible for someone else going outside of the marriage except the one going outside of the marriage. NO ONE.
Gotta agree here and say that the burden of communication is on the cheater b/c often the other partner is: not aware that there's a problem, aware that something is going on but fearful the cheater will lie, or aware that something is going on but chalks it up to extra heavy stress at work as an example. The cheater has the advantage of information that he/she is withholding so that's why the burden is on them. Once the news is out, it's up to both to communicate.
"...why is he looking for anything outside of your marriage? What's missing?"
Give me a break. Nobody is responsible for someone else going outside of the marriage except the one going outside of the marriage. NO ONE.
Ok I don't agree with this part either Why is he looking outside the marriage ? What missing? Two people that are devoted to each other turn toward there partner, not away.
What is missing? Something he hasn't expressed to her before and something she can't fulfill
This is a complex situation. Either way she has done nothing to deserve this. She thinks she is married to a hetrosexual male.
Certain posts on here - Please stop telling her to confront her husband right now. it's so much more complicated than that. There are steps to take first. OP needs to get her mind around this first get informed, get support and sort through this a little. This is alot to process and she most likely is not at a place just yet to talk about this with her husband. I've known several women in this situation and I was involved many years ago with someone and went through this. It's alot for any woman to deal with.
wow. why is it that I keep hearing about these men posting in the men to men section of craigslist, while being "completely" straight otherwise?
I just say be very careful when it comes to sex... Don't know what he may bring back into your bedroom.
Um yeah. I live in a small town in Missouri and last yr a man here was arrested for sleeping with a bunch of people, men and women, while knowing he was HIV+! Now my guess is that most of those men were married bc it is not OK to be gay around here. He found all his partners on Craigslist.
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