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Well, if you read the thread I started a few days ago, you can see why I wanted to wait. I had sex on the third date and he left right after he slept with me. Then I found out he had a girlfriend. So many guys I've met the past few years have had SOs or were emotionally unavailable, so I like to wait to see how consistent they are and to see whether or not they're going to stick around. It is one of the worst feelings to have sex with someone and have them walk out right after and know you'll never see that person again.
Well I'm sorry they did that to you, and waiting makes complete sense....
I've always wondered why anyone would want to put off one of the benefits of a serious relationship. IMO, you are going to be the same person today, as you will be a year from now. Maybe the guy who waited a year from now, may have uncomfortable tightness, but overall the person is the very same. I respect if religion is the reason. But I must ask why do those who have had sexual relationships, suddenly decide to go a different route. I hope it's not because you feel your last relationship was ruined because of the sex. If a relationship is unhealthy with sex, I'm sure with the same people involved, minus sex, you would still have a bad relationship, but it may take that much longer for you to find out. So you are dating and you choose to wait until a year, before you do it. That year is great, with little effort at all to stay happy.....you have sex, and suddenly the relationship starts to die, to the point that you break up. Sure the sex may have triggered it, but why would you want to wait longer to find out the inevitable?
I don't believe that putting off something that you are going to eventually do, will save any relationship. If the person is good, they will be good no matter when you decide to do it. The only reason I bring it up, is that I have a no more than three dates before I have sex, and it's never gotten to three. I came here and read so many people who wait until marriage, which I would never do....and others who will say no for a year, or more.....I am just curious to see why they do it, and why they think that by doing so, the person you are with is any different because the amount of time you waited, then if you just did it the first night.
Because sex is like money. One minute you think you're dealing with one kind of person and then introduce sex (in whatever amount) or money ( a fairly large amount) and then, next thing you know you're dealing with a completely different person, only recognizable by their outer appearance. You're deceiving yourself if you think you can go through a year being close to another person and remain unchanged. You WILL be different. Dealing with that person for a year influenced you in some measure, so how can you say you will be the same person?
Secondly I don't like it when men make these coarse horrible comments from the "what are you saving "it" for camp" Especially when they bring up your being intimate with partners in the past as "leverage" It's manipulative, and it has the potential to make the one feel the man only views her as a piece of meat. Whatever was done with past partners is irrelevant to what I will do in a current relationship. It is my body, my spirit, my heart...my emotions, my future. I will decide that matter as I personally see fit with no interference or manipulation from my partner.
I agree. The only people who "wait to have sex" are the ones who are living in some Disney fantasy. In reality, sex isn't really a choice because its dependent on the amount of game via seduction you have. And if she finds you attractive of course. Waiting around for this "golden moment" will most likely lead to you being disappointed. In the dating sense, sex is required to maintain the highest possible interest. Without physical escalation you're basically her gay male girlfriend. In a relationship sense, its even more dependent. Sex is about 50% of the relationship if not more. In today's society, waiting till your married to have sex is a terrible idea. Mainly because men are underpowered when it comes to divorce and because we live in a swinger type society than we did decades ago.
If someone has you wait for sex, I would advice to keep them as a bottom plate or even next them. This is in the sense that you have the proper game to escalate such events, I'm not talking about whining and begging them for it. If you do, you're either a woman or need self improvement tips. Sex is vital to relationships.
I think there's a big difference between wanting to know something about a person's character before having sex and waiting until marriage to have sex, no? Can there be no middle ground? Yes, good sex is very important. Essential, in fact. All the more reason to value it enough to know the person a little.
You and the OP see things in such black and white terms because, I suspect, you're both young guys, probably in your 20s. Am I right?
I think there's a big difference between wanting to know something about a person's character before having sex and waiting until marriage to have sex, no? Can there be no middle ground? Yes, good sex is very important. Essential, in fact. All the more reason to value it enough to know the person a little.
3 dates maybe 4, not 1 date. That's a one night stand- which generally means no emotional attachments. If I'm not getting to know the girl on the dates prior while using the basis of attraction, then what exactly am I doing? I'm there to be her source for attraction/"lover." Not to be her gay male girlfriend. Like I said, for women it's more about the bonding and discovery experience. For men, it's a more physical sensation. Women feel "love" emotionally while men feel "love" physically.
Quote:
Originally Posted by newdixiegirl
You and the OP see things in such black and white terms because, I suspect, you're both young guys, probably in your 20s. Am I right?
Just because you may see/read/hear something that you don't think is right, doesn't mean it isn't true. Were not bitter or "young" were just aware. The world IS black and white to be honest.
3 dates maybe 4, not 1 date. That's a one night stand- which generally means no emotional attachments. If I'm not getting to know the girl on the dates prior while using the basis of attraction, then what exactly am I doing? I'm there to be her source for attraction/"lover." Not to be her gay male girlfriend. Like I said, for women it's more about the bonding and discovery experience. For men, it's a more physical sensation. Women feel "love" emotionally while men feel "love" physically.
Just because you may see/read/hear something that you don't think is right, doesn't mean it isn't true. Were not bitter or "young" were just aware. The world IS black and white to be honest.
I'd say that most of us on these relationship threads - especially those of us over the age of, say, 35, are "aware," as well.
And, nope, the world is mostly shades of gray. But I admit that I, too, used to think everything is black and white. And I didn't say anything about you being "bitter," btw.
I think there's a big difference between wanting to know something about a person's character before having sex and waiting until marriage to have sex, no? Can there be no middle ground? Yes, good sex is very important. Essential, in fact. All the more reason to value it enough to know the person a little.
You and the OP see things in such black and white terms because, I suspect, you're both young guys, probably in your 20s. Am I right?
I wish I was 20, but I actually don't have a black and white view of things, too much life experiences to think that way. There are so many ways to play this out, and a lot has to do with the two people who are involved. Myself, I have no problem having sex the first night, and turning into a ltr. I guess the reason for my OP and the whole 3 day or I'm gone thought, was that if my date and I are on different pages on the subject, we probably won't be a good match. I've developed some very close relationships with women I had sex with by the time the date hit the second/third hour. Relationships that could rival some of the tightest ones out there. So even though they started out fast, they also continued on and grew in significance. I guess for me, if we are into doing it, why not?
I have had friends over the years that slept with a guy on the first date or shortly thereafter when they thought that they had really hit it off with the guy. Then they never hear from the guy again and they are really upset. I told them that these guys don't know them at all - and so they probably don't feel that guilty about never contacting them again. Part of this is being a good judge of character - and not all people are good judges of character. So, my friends honestly thought that having sex with these guys was the beginning of something whereas these guys just thought it was a one night stand. Now, if all these women were looking for was a one night stand - then that's fine. And if the one night stand happens to turn into something more - that's great, too. But you can't take back having sex with someone.
I agree. This has happened where I think the guy likes me and then I never hear from him again. That's why years ago I made the vow not to have sex until it was an actual relationship. I am waiting to have sex with my boyfriend and he's fine with it too. It hurts to have this done. Sleeping with someone way too early often has a negative effect where it becomes sex only. Not to mention all the consequences like disease or pregnancy. I know many men who got women pregnant and never took responsibility.
I think a man who has the self-control to wait until a woman is ready to have sex will make a better lover than a man who pretty much expects and demands up front. I think men who are not willing to wait are in a state of arrested development and they will use all kinds of philosophizing to justify their position, but it really can't be justified. Didn't their mamas and daddies teach them at the age of three, "Ladies first" When the lady is ready, that is when it will be. (IF it's the lady you're interested in and not just her lady parts).
I agree. This has happened where I think the guy likes me and then I never hear from him again. That's why years ago I made the vow not to have sex until it was an actual relationship. I am waiting to have sex with my boyfriend and he's fine with it too. It hurts to have this done. Sleeping with someone way too early often has a negative effect where it becomes sex only. Not to mention all the consequences like disease or pregnancy. I know many men who got women pregnant and never took responsibility.
Sex is like playing with a loaded gun, no pun intended, but you are playing a form of Russian roulette, really if you think about it.
I was always never planning on having kids, I knew this at a very young age, I just knew in my heart that kids weren't for me, I've been lucky over the yrs and haven't gotten women pregnant.
There are actually some silly men out there that go around knocking up women on purpose and they think it's some form of manliness or whatever...
Those guys just make me sick.... yeah, I know that sounds judgy, but I don't care.... LOL
Last edited by Chowhound; 07-27-2014 at 01:52 PM..
I think a man who has the self-control to wait until a woman is ready to have sex will make a better lover than a man who pretty much expects and demands up front. I think men who are not willing to wait are in a state of arrested development and they will use all kinds of philosophizing to justify their position, but it really can't be justified. Didn't their mamas and daddies teach them at the age of three, "Ladies first" When the lady is ready, that is when it will be. (IF it's the lady you're interested in and not just her lady parts).
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