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I'm a single man in my 30's with an quiet introverted personality. This has made it difficult for me to meet people and form new relationships. I always feel like I am out of place. I've lived in the same city for 7 years but only have a handful of acquaintances and no real friends. To date, I've had one romantic relationship which lasted around six months.
If I get invited to a social event where I don't know many people, I spend a long time debating whether I should go because I don't feel comfortable striking up conversations with strangers.
In dating, I understand that men are expected to make the first move. Given my approach anxiety, I felt like online dating would work better for me. I've tried different sites with different profiles but don't generate much interest. There's lots of guys competing for the attention of women and most of the women are looking for someone taller (I'm 5'6"). Physically, I feel like I'm above average with an athletic frame and nice smile.
I compare myself to guys that have lots of friends and have no problem finding girlfriends. They are all outgoing and have Type A personalities. I don't possess these qualities.
I'm completely frustrated and just looking for some advice.
Instead of blaming your introverted nature on your shortcomings do something about it.
There is much more to say...
Presue the things that appeal to you and meet people as you do so. You will naturally form bonds along the way unless you absolutely refuse to mingle with others.
Perhaps a move to an area better suited to your nature is in order.
I have known guys like you who had a lot of success taking classes and workshops in communication. They learned skills, and equally important, the workshops involved building emotional intimacy with their classmates.
perhaps OP you need a job that requires you to actually talk to strangers, and open up to them. it worked for me. and i dont mean the typical 9-5 office job where you see a few people each day, i mean a job where you see 100 or more people each day, and YOU have to make sure their day goes well or finishes well, like the hotel business.
I have known guys like you who had a lot of success taking classes and workshops in communication. They learned skills, and equally important, the workshops involved building emotional intimacy with their classmates.
Try NVC, for example.
This seems like a good idea. I thnk Toastmasters would be great for you, OP! It would help build your confidence which is really what you need right now.
OP you might be surprised at how many people share your experience. Not everyone comes around to explain it the way you did, which is a very kind and sort of soft spoken way. That says a lot about you. I think those are good qualities. And admirable qualities.
So many other people can't see the problem for what it is, and they get angry and resentful and bitter towards other people.
It is so true that you can own this, you can and all of us can get out there in a way that suits us. The advice to participate is the best, you don't have to do something extremely uncomfortable, but just gently ease your way into finding new ways to communicate and get out there.
Hopefully you live in an area that offers some possibilities, maybe even just taking a speech class at your local college can help?
Sounds a bit like social anxiety, do you get sweaty palm, does your heart race, do you literally feel afraid in these situations? Perhaps do some online research and find a few sites that offer a chat area where you can discuss your feelings with others who have similar feelings. That support and profssional support if you need it would be very beneficial.
You could also look around for volunteer opportunities, doing something that you enjoy.
You'll be more comfortable, and you will feel less anxiety to perform, as you do seem to now in social settings.
Men are more comfortable and more open while doing something side by side, they talk more readily while sharing an experience or hobby.... whereas women like to communicate face to face.
My point being, get your comfort level up by doing something you enjoy along side others....the rest will come, organically.
Women are often drawn to the silent type, makes you more intriguing. You just need the positive reinforcement that will happen when you take the pressure off yourself. Relaxed and enjoying yourself is so much more attractive, and the rest will come.
It is true what they say.....Stop looking, just be yourself.....folks will be drawn to you because you are being natural. I know this from personal experience.
Last edited by JanND; 08-01-2014 at 09:50 AM..
Reason: spacing
I'm a single man in my 30's with an quiet introverted personality. This has made it difficult for me to meet people and form new relationships. I always feel like I am out of place. I've lived in the same city for 7 years but only have a handful of acquaintances and no real friends. To date, I've had one romantic relationship which lasted around six months.
If I get invited to a social event where I don't know many people, I spend a long time debating whether I should go because I don't feel comfortable striking up conversations with strangers.
In dating, I understand that men are expected to make the first move. Given my approach anxiety, I felt like online dating would work better for me. I've tried different sites with different profiles but don't generate much interest. There's lots of guys competing for the attention of women and most of the women are looking for someone taller (I'm 5'6"). Physically, I feel like I'm above average with an athletic frame and nice smile.
I compare myself to guys that have lots of friends and have no problem finding girlfriends. They are all outgoing and have Type A personalities. I don't possess these qualities.
I'm completely frustrated and just looking for some advice.
I can understand. I would say, you are looking at yourself very negatively, I can see you are having low confidence also. Remember confidence is an attractive quality, people can sense it if you are not confident, and especially women. Hence don't worry, no matter what kind of a guy you are, be it reserved, shy, introvert, passive and so on the list goes, there are many more types of guys.It doesn't matter which type of guy you are, you should know yourself well, be positive, know who you are and what you are.
Also remember you shouldn't change who you are, you are unique in your own ways, I do understand the point you are trying to make, that men are expected to make the first move , be outgoing , take charge and so on, I know these are expected and women expect these qualities in men, but then you must remember that not all men are same as I told you the different types of men above, so what even a reserved guy can find love and so can a introvert, it's possible surely. Hence it's okay if you are not an outgoing person, it's okay if you are not a person who likes to take charge, in my view this is not detrimental to a girl not liking you or loving you for that matter, you shouldn't think so negatively.
I am sure the right kind of girl will like you/love you for who you are. Remember don't change yourself for anyone, after all you deserve to be liked or loved for who you are, of course if you want to change yourself to become a better person then go ahead but don't do it for the sake of being in a relationship or finding love, don't change yourself for all the wrong reasons. I hope you got my point.
Remember don't change yourself for love, don't change yourself in order to be liked or loved by others, that's the worst thing that can happen, many people do that and they don't realize it until one day they get frustrated, so don't be like others, don't change yourself.
Hence if you are thinking about changing yourself, then it's a bad option you will be unhappy in the long run.
Quote:
Originally Posted by quiettype
I compare myself to guys that have lots of friends and have no problem finding girlfriends. They are all outgoing and have Type A personalities. I don't possess these qualities.
I'm completely frustrated and just looking for some advice.
That's what I have told above, don't compare yourself to other guys, if that is the quality that they have then I am sure you have some quality that those type of guys don't have, since you said you are an introvert, then I am guessing you must be mysterious, did you know that many women like mysterious guys/men?. Mystery is an attractive quality, women like to take that challenge, I am not sure if you are mysterious, you do seem mysterious to me, to an extent at least, anyway if you are,then I am sure some woman would surely like you for that.You just have to believe in yourself and wait for the right person, right woman to like you, love you for who you are.
Comparison is not a good thing, in my view, hence don't do that, I would suggest you try and avoid it as much as possible, of course that doesn't mean you can't learn from others but don't compete or compare yourself with them and don't try to become like them. You have your identity, live up to it.
So it's okay if you don't possess those qualities like those men, you introspect on what qualities you have and what makes you special, be confident about it and be positive.
Be yourself, be positive.I hope things will turn out better for you.
perhaps OP you need a job that requires you to actually talk to strangers, and open up to them. it worked for me. and i dont mean the typical 9-5 office job where you see a few people each day, i mean a job where you see 100 or more people each day, and YOU have to make sure their day goes well or finishes well, like the hotel business.
why would anyone go from a medium/higher paying office job to a lower paid job in a retail setting just to make themselves more comfortable with people?
if anything, working with the public during high school & college has made me more likely to stay away from social situations these days.
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