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Socially anxious and awkward men often become 40 year old virgins. Although a few of these people are dishonest "Nice Guys" who hope that being nice will help them get laid (which never works), others simply want to love and be loved, and want to improve their own personality and strategies to be able to get into a long term relationship without having to resort to becoming women-haters (misogynists).
These men may ask feminists for advice, but it seems like many feminists can only tell men what NOT to do, and not what TO DO. Or they may give good theoretical advice without any practical considerations, like "respect her", "ask for consent", "become a friend she can trust", "know your boundaries", etc., rather than actual methods. Some feminists even go so far as to proudly claim that they couldn't give a crap about these "losers", that this is outside the scope of feminism, and that these men might as well go off themselves. I feel like understandably, many of these men turn to the pickup artist industry, which is notorious for using highly misogynistic language that degrades women and treats them as game pieces to collect rather than actual people.
My question is, if you are a feminist, what advice and resources would you give to socially anxious/awkward men who want to enter into a heterosexual relationship? What would you do if you were in a socially anxious man's place, and don't want to die alone, yet don't want to join in the misogyny party?
Work on the social anxiety, which is going to impair all aspects of life: making and maintaining friendships, getting and keeping a job, dealing with people day to day, and so on. Learn how to regard and talk to women as human beings, rather than sexual conquests or romantic candidates.
Socially anxious and awkward men often become 40 year old virgins. Although a few of these people are dishonest "Nice Guys" who hope that being nice will help them get laid (which never works), others simply want to love and be loved, and want to improve their own personality and strategies to be able to get into a long term relationship without having to resort to becoming women-haters (misogynists).
These men may ask feminists for advice, but it seems like many feminists can only tell men what NOT to do, and not what TO DO. Or they may give good theoretical advice without any practical considerations, like "respect her", "ask for consent", "become a friend she can trust", "know your boundaries", etc., rather than actual methods. Some feminists even go so far as to proudly claim that they couldn't give a crap about these "losers", that this is outside the scope of feminism, and that these men might as well go off themselves. I feel like understandably, many of these men turn to the pickup artist industry, which is notorious for using highly misogynistic language that degrades women and treats them as game pieces to collect rather than actual people.
My question is, if you are a feminist, what advice and resources would you give to socially anxious/awkward men who want to enter into a heterosexual relationship? What would you do if you were in a socially anxious man's place, and don't want to die alone, yet don't want to join in the misogyny party?
My guess, she would pull out some Eurythmics, K.D. Lang, Melissa Etheridge, and what have you, open a bottle of wine, cut her hair short, buy some "comfortable shoes'?
Well, I never described myself as a feminist (so I am not sure if my advice is welcome). And a person isn't a loser just because they have difficulty with something. We are all wired differently. But I would say the first thing a socially anxious/awkward man should do is work on himself because until he can be comfortable in his own skin, nothing else matters. No amount of PUA theory will break the barrier that social anxiety puts between men and the women they wish to pursue.
So what to do first? Like I said, work on yourself. Therapy comes to mind. But in reality, that's expensive and not everyone "needs" that level of help--usually the anxiety isn't crippling, it's just minor and makes a person stumble. I used to be shy. What I did was "force" myself to talk to people. Not just men I was interested in, but all kinds of people. Trust me, it was very difficult. I started off with little old ladies... and worked my way into talking to more intimidating people.
I also forced myself to speak in public (boy was that hard!). I actually started off big... on stages... because I couldn't see the faces of the people, so it was almost like talking to myself. Smaller, intimate groups were harder. There are some tools others can use that I didn't know about though to help with that. Toastmasters is a good one--they are all about being comfortable with mingling and public speaking.
Anyway, before anything else, you a person has got to get over the "thing" that's stopping them in the first place. From my experience, getting around something like that (in my case shyness) can open up the whole world to you (not just romantic relationships). And it allows you to grow and (for me) be happier in general--both of which make romantic relationships come more naturally.
Last edited by jillabean; 07-11-2014 at 12:41 PM..
Reason: annoying type, lol
The only advice you need doesn't involve genders or agendas
Hey I'm engaged, I don't need the advice. But I know a lot of men online and offline who struggle with getting dates but don't want to get on the woman-hating bandwagon. They know that they are not entitled to women and that women should be free to date who they choose.
The truth is that gender-blindness doesn't work in a world where women have to fear going home with strangers or having a male misinterpret an action or sentence as sexual consent. What I mean by this is that many socially anxious guys don't have too much trouble making male friends but do have trouble turning a friendship with a woman into a romantic and sexual relationship. It's the fear of coming off as creepy doing things they've never done before like flirting and touching.
Socially anxious and awkward men often become 40 year old virgins. Although a few of these people are dishonest "Nice Guys" who hope that being nice will help them get laid (which never works), others simply want to love and be loved, and want to improve their own personality and strategies to be able to get into a long term relationship without having to resort to becoming women-haters (misogynists).
These men may ask feminists for advice, but it seems like many feminists can only tell men what NOT to do, and not what TO DO. Or they may give good theoretical advice without any practical considerations, like "respect her", "ask for consent", "become a friend she can trust", "know your boundaries", etc., rather than actual methods. Some feminists even go so far as to proudly claim that they couldn't give a crap about these "losers", that this is outside the scope of feminism, and that these men might as well go off themselves. I feel like understandably, many of these men turn to the pickup artist industry, which is notorious for using highly misogynistic language that degrades women and treats them as game pieces to collect rather than actual people.
My question is, if you are a feminist, what advice and resources would you give to socially anxious/awkward men who want to enter into a heterosexual relationship? What would you do if you were in a socially anxious man's place, and don't want to die alone, yet don't want to join in the misogyny party?
Well, if social anxiety is encumbering your life, you need to visit a therapist and work through it.
Work on yourself, but not in relation to women, not as getting a woman as a goal. You will find yourself very disappointed if that's the road you take. You'll be setting yourself up for resentment when the first woman rejects you, "Look at all I do to improve myself for women and they don't appreciate it!"
Since you're asking for practical strategies, I would say take a through written inventory of yourself. (there are actually workbooks available that will assist you with an inventory) Find out your strengths and weaknesses, clarify your goals for the future regarding a relationship. Take the time to come to an understanding of what you want in a partner. (Please believe me..the "I will accept whoever accepts/wants me" strategy is a trainwreck waiting to happen!) To attract the mate you need, be really clear on what it is you need and want in a mate. Next you have to make sure you are clean, neat, well-groomed and making the most of your natural gifts regarding your appearance. The right kind of women will respond to a non-flashy guy, as long as he exudes quiet confidence and self-acceptance. So make the most of what you have in this area. Healthy, pleasant, polite and stable will get you very far with women these days! If you're not in the best shape you can be or in the best shape you want to be, put yourself on a good basic workout program appropriate for your level of ability to slim down if you need to, because women like guys who are in decent shape.
Once you have all that straightened out (this might take 3 to 6 months) start placing yourself in social settings like coffeehouse/bookstores, different festivals and community social events in your town. Just go and walk around, find what there is to be interested in that is not a female. Just go, enjoy yourself and be yourself. Do this as much as you can for the practice. These are some good basic ways to attract a good mate. It's a lot of work, but the misogynist route (shortcuts) will only put you further and further behind. Sure you can meet women that way, but they won't hang around once they find out you're a d-bag.
This is heartfelt advice that I believe will work in time. Good luck.
Socially anxious and awkward men often become 40 year old virgins. Although a few of these people are dishonest "Nice Guys" who hope that being nice will help them get laid (which never works), others simply want to love and be loved, and want to improve their own personality and strategies to be able to get into a long term relationship without having to resort to becoming women-haters (misogynists).
These men may ask feminists for advice, but it seems like many feminists can only tell men what NOT to do, and not what TO DO. Or they may give good theoretical advice without any practical considerations, like "respect her", "ask for consent", "become a friend she can trust", "know your boundaries", etc., rather than actual methods. Some feminists even go so far as to proudly claim that they couldn't give a crap about these "losers", that this is outside the scope of feminism, and that these men might as well go off themselves. I feel like understandably, many of these men turn to the pickup artist industry, which is notorious for using highly misogynistic language that degrades women and treats them as game pieces to collect rather than actual people.
My question is, if you are a feminist, what advice and resources would you give to socially anxious/awkward men who want to enter into a heterosexual relationship? What would you do if you were in a socially anxious man's place, and don't want to die alone, yet don't want to join in the misogyny party?
You seem to be using the word "feminist" as a substitute for the word "women". Just saying.
Socially anxious guys need to get therapy first. After that, things will begin to fall into place.
Socially-anxious guys can do what average-looking men and women do; get involved in activities that allow others to get to know them over time. Conversations happen naturally over shared activities; sports, hobbies, volunteering, workshops, dance classes, etc.
The truth is that gender-blindness doesn't work in a world where women have tofear going home with strangers or having a male misinterpret an action or sentence as sexual consent. What I mean by this is that many socially anxious guys don't have too much trouble making male friends but do have trouble turning a friendship with a woman into a romantic and sexual relationship. It's the fear of coming off as creepy doing things they've never done before like flirting and touching.
Is that really true, though? I have a hard time believing that for a truly socially anxious guy, he's the life of the party when it's all dudes, or he's great with people at work, but it's just with women that he freaks out and clams up. Most people are a little nervous with relationships, but it's not debilitating.
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