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If you're a woman and you're not getting any action on dating sites, then IMHO, there must be something wrong with your weight, appearance, or something you stated in your profile.
I got "Action" but not the right kind of action. For some reason I seemed to either grab the attention of the nut jobs or guys who were way too serious minded for my taste (AKA guys who want to marry and are "wife shopping"). Seriously, been asked on the first "meet and great" date if I was willing to remarry. I find it to be another form of "being nuts" in a lot of ways. Most of the men I date are like me, divorced. How can anyone who went through all that, just got out of a miserable marriage, even think about going back to it so soon? Yeah sure, if you meet someone, date, get in a relationship and realize you want to spend the rest of your life with said person... yeah, then maybe consider marriage. But to start off with the idea that, "I am going to find a new spouse." Just seems weird to me. I just wanted to date someone and get to know him... become lovers and see where it goes. Without an agenda.
Although someone pointed out to me that maybe I should adopt a "policy" of not dating guys who are recently divorced. I never gave it much though, but there is a point to it.
I kind of gave up completely on online dating though.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chris Griffin
You can't say ALL men online want hot bimbos. I wouldn't want a bimbo, and I'm 18!
Quote:
Originally Posted by DoniDanko
All men want women that are hot to them. Not all, or even most, of the men on online dating are just looking to get laid. That's just something some women have told themselves. It's just as ignorant as me stating that all women online want rich sugar daddies...
I have to agree with both of these guys. You can't generalize people... men or women. If you are going to say that, "all men want X," then you have to be willing to accept that, "all women want X." And either statement is ridiculous and we all know it. Everyone is looking for something different. Sure, you have your fair share of shallow people online who are only looking for "hot," or "rich" or "whatever." But most people aren't so shallow. Maybe people say these generalizations out of frustration. I know I have in the past... I am guilty of of this kind of bitter thinking. But I only say these things to myself and I know it's really not true.
Something I found interesting was online dating and the "paradox of choice." Baically because we have more choices of dates with online dating, we are less satisfied with out choices. This has been tested outside of dating too (giving people a choice between two things yields happier people than those who have to choose one among, say 12 things). Online dating is like this, but on steroids. We literally have thousands of people to choose from online. So the basic concept is we have more choice, but are more unhappy with online dating. The idea of paradox of choice is controversial, but I think it has merit.
Some snippets from the article that I thought were interesting:
Quote:
Researchers have demonstrated that although we like having more options when making a decision, we are ultimately less satisfied with our choice when we have a larger, as opposed to smaller, number of options.
Basically, we choose differently when we have more options. That is, because a greater number of options are more difficult to manage... we tend to use more heuristic choice strategies (quick and easy cues to make a decision) as opposed to a more comprehensive choice strategy where we consider deeper criteria when making a decision. Part of the reason is that too many options are overwhelming. For example, in a speed dating event (which also included online profiles that could be accessed after the event), daters were more likely to use the quick and easy cues (such as age, height and weight) to make their choice when the size of the group was large compared to small, and were more likely to use cues that could not be discerned visually (education, occupation, smoking status) when the size of the group was small compared to large.2
Researchers suggest that this heuristic strategy may be better suited for daters who are looking for casual sex as opposed to a long-term partner. If you are looking for long-term love, too many options may not be a good thing.
It would appear that online dating makes people (in general... not on an individual level) more likely to judge quickly... on a pretty face, on height, etc. I know some of us (like me) will swear up and down that we carefully read profiles. And I have no doubt we do, because I did. But even then, profiles are still snippets of a person where you make a judgement call on little inforamtion. How many of us though someone looked great online but when you meet the person, he or she wasn't at all like the impression the online profile gave you? The guy who wrote the witty and funny profile, turns out to be dry and seemingly humorless in person? The guy who seemed nice and normal ends up being a rabid conspiracy theorist who talks about the shadow government during your entire date? The guy who talked about scuba diving (or whatever hobby interested you) only added it because he did it one time and thinks it's cool, but really isn't into it as much as you are? All these happened to me.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,989,150 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by jillabean
It would appear that online dating makes people (in general... not on an individual level) more likely to judge quickly... on a pretty face, on height, etc. I know some of us (like me) will swear up and down that we carefully read profiles. And I have no doubt we do, because I did. But even then, profiles are still snippets of a person where you make a judgement call on little inforamtion. How many of us though someone looked great online but when you meet the person, he or she wasn't at all like the impression the online profile gave you? The guy who wrote the witty and funny profile, turns out to be dry and seemingly humorless in person? The guy who seemed nice and normal ends up being a rabid conspiracy theorist who talks about the shadow government during your entire date? The guy who talked about scuba diving (or whatever hobby interested you) only added it because he did it one time and thinks it's cool, but really isn't into it as much as you are? All these happened to me.
Rarely. I've probably had 50-75 OLD first meetings (just a guesstimate), and less than a handful of times was something really off. With the witty/funny thing, lots of people are good on the phone, or in writing, but in person they clam up or get some anxiety. I don't consider that to be much of a big deal. It just wasn't a good match. But a real mis-impression? Naw, pretty unusual.
Rarely. I've probably had 50-75 OLD first meetings (just a guesstimate), and less than a handful of times was something really off. With the witty/funny thing, lots of people are good on the phone, or in writing, but in person they clam up or get some anxiety. I don't consider that to be much of a big deal. It just wasn't a good match. But a real mis-impression? Naw, pretty unusual.
Maybe you are a better judge of character via online profiles than I am, lol. You've definitely had more dates than I have from online dating--so maybe experience helps. I tend to try online dating for about a 3 month stretch and quit for 6-9 months and try again. I would guesstimate that I've had about 12-18 first dates from online dating. If I sat down and really thought about it, I could probably come up with the number, but I don't feel like it now, lol
I'd say most of the men I met weren't what I expected. Most weren't "really off" but they were off enough to put me off. In other words, if I met them in person first, I most likely never would have been interested. Their real personalities didn't match with their (often) polished profiles. Then again, I didn't really waste a lot of time chatting up people on the phone and in messages. I saw a profile I liked, exchanged a few messages, and then met.
It's a trade off I guess. I could take more time and message and call for a few weeks before meeting. Or I could just meet the person and see. Both ways of doing it have pluses and minuses I think. I know for me, I need to actually meet the person, in person to know if there is an attraction. So I figure get that out of the way quickly. It does tend to result in a lot of "bad" dates though. But the trade off is, I don't waste a lot of time with calls and messages that get hopes up even higher.
Something I found interesting was online dating and the "paradox of choice." Baically because we have more choices of dates with online dating, we are less satisfied with out choices. This has been tested outside of dating too (giving people a choice between two things yields happier people than those who have to choose one among, say 12 things). Online dating is like this, but on steroids. We literally have thousands of people to choose from online. So the basic concept is we have more choice, but are more unhappy with online dating. The idea of paradox of choice is controversial, but I think it has merit.
Some snippets from the article that I thought were interesting:
It would appear that online dating makes people (in general... not on an individual level) more likely to judge quickly... on a pretty face, on height, etc. I know some of us (like me) will swear up and down that we carefully read profiles. And I have no doubt we do, because I did. But even then, profiles are still snippets of a person where you make a judgement call on little inforamtion. How many of us though someone looked great online but when you meet the person, he or she wasn't at all like the impression the online profile gave you? The guy who wrote the witty and funny profile, turns out to be dry and seemingly humorless in person? The guy who seemed nice and normal ends up being a rabid conspiracy theorist who talks about the shadow government during your entire date? The guy who talked about scuba diving (or whatever hobby interested you) only added it because he did it one time and thinks it's cool, but really isn't into it as much as you are? All these happened to me.
The whole idea of the paradox of choice is that humans have poor judgement skills.
Just like yourself, you are unsatisfied with online dating and dismiss guys as "nutjobs" or "too serious" when they are probably normal guys and one action made you dismiss them.
Hence you go through guys and guys and you are still unsatisfied with your dating life.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,989,150 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by jillabean
Maybe you are a better judge of character via online profiles than I am, lol. You've definitely had more dates than I have from online dating--so maybe experience helps. I tend to try online dating for about a 3 month stretch and quit for 6-9 months and try again. I would guesstimate that I've had about 12-18 first dates from online dating. If I sat down and really thought about it, I could probably come up with the number, but I don't feel like it now, lol
I'd say most of the men I met weren't what I expected. Most weren't "really off" but they were off enough to put me off. In other words, if I met them in person first, I most likely never would have been interested. Their real personalities didn't match with their (often) polished profiles. Then again, I didn't really waste a lot of time chatting up people on the phone and in messages. I saw a profile I liked, exchanged a few messages, and then met.
It's a trade off I guess. I could take more time and message and call for a few weeks before meeting. Or I could just meet the person and see. Both ways of doing it have pluses and minuses I think. I know for me, I need to actually meet the person, in person to know if there is an attraction. So I figure get that out of the way quickly. It does tend to result in a lot of "bad" dates though. But the trade off is, I don't waste a lot of time with calls and messages that get hopes up even higher.
One thing I can say, either with pride or shame, is that even when I didn't hit it off with a person they said overwhelmingly that my profile represents who I am. The sarcasm, the intensity, the, uh, quirkiness.
I tend to prefer just meet people and see like you, usually a date is set within 2-3 emails and within a week, but I can generally get a pretty accurate vibe from a profile. That said, there are very few profiles that interest me as I don't email based on pictures.
I think I first did OLD (through CL then) in 2003-04? And I met someone that while we dated briefly, became a great friend to this day, and a on again/off again FWB for 10+ years, was engaged to a person from The Nerve / The Onion personals (now defunct) and dated several others for 6+ mos and found some good friends and/or FBs/FWBs in the process. It's been very successful for me. Good people, good experiences (overall), good sex. I haven't really used it for about a year now though.
I got "Action" but not the right kind of action. For some reason I seemed to either grab the attention of the nut jobs or guys who were way too serious minded for my taste (AKA guys who want to marry and are "wife shopping"). Seriously, been asked on the first "meet and great" date if I was willing to remarry. I find it to be another form of "being nuts" in a lot of ways. Most of the men I date are like me, divorced. How can anyone who went through all that, just got out of a miserable marriage, even think about going back to it so soon?
This has been like much of my experience, too. I have received plenty of "action," but little of any real quality or that holds my interest. I have gotten responses from men looking to jump into their next serious relationship/marriage merely weeks after their last, or, of course, from men looking for the next conquest.
I have chosen to meet with only 4 men in 4 months. All 4 of them asked me about marriage and looked aghast when I told them I wasn't interested in marrying again. Two of those 4 became annoyed when they saw that I'd been on the dating site after our FIRST meeting. Yes, after the first (platonic) meeting. Needless to say, there were no second meetings. It seems to me that if someone expects exclusivity of any kind after ONE casual meeting, then they shouldn't be on dating sites.
There have been multiple men who wrote to tell me off for not having followed up on brief introductory email exchanges or chats we'd had weeks earlier (I didn't know I was obligated to do that), or for not giving my phone number within the first couple of emails. Some got pretty hostile and nasty.
Then there are men I had email conversations with who seem to be looking for their next fling. There was one who divorced for the second time late last fall. Since then, by his own admission, he's had a "string of short-term relationships" and a couple of longer relationships, and he's back online. This is a guy in his 50s. He and others around the same age came across as either textbook narcissists or flimsy flakes.
There HAVE been a few who seem like genuinely nice guys, but who either never asked for a specific date or who I wasn't attracted to. After 4 months, I think I've had enough.
The whole idea of the paradox of choice is that humans have poor judgement skills.
Just like yourself, you are unsatisfied with online dating and dismiss guys as "nutjobs" or "too serious" when they are probably normal guys and one action made you dismiss them.
Hence you go through guys and guys and you are still unsatisfied with your dating life.
When I "dismissed" guys (that sounds harsh, lol) it was always because of something major. They may have been "normal guys" but there was a huge obstacle that made me say no.
Things I "dismissed" men over. #1 was dismissing guys who just wanted sex/a hookup. Probably #2 was being 20+ years older than me. I am just not attracted to men my father's age. Distance was another, probably #3. Had a lot of men from several states over messaging me. Long distance might work if I knew the guy already, but it's hard to "get to know" someone over distance. #4 was probably never wanting to meet. I had so many guys that seemed to want to be "pen pals." Granted, I tend to like to meet right away... and I understand not everyone is comfortable with that. But after 5-6 weeks of calls and messages and several canceled (by him) attempts at a first date, I move on because I figure the guy is never going to agree to meet.
And yeah, the guys I dated were either nut jobs or too serious. The too serious guys were just that. They were nice, normal men and all, but they were wife shopping or looking for a very serious relationship. I am just looking to date... make friends with a guy, be lovers--nothing more for now. And I had a lot of dates with weird men (conspiracy theory guy who told me his plans to raise a secret army and be a local warlord, the guy who spent most of the date insulting me until I walked out, the guy who spent the entire date talking about his ex-wife and how he wanted to kill her, etc).
Like I said, I gave up online dating. Bye-bye. I haven't had a date since... then again, it's only been about a month and I also haven't made any attempts to meet new people either. I've been busy with travel and diving this summer. I joined a science fiction book club recently and maybe I will make new friends that way (and maybe, through new friends, meet available men).
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,989,150 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by newdixiegirl
Then there are men I had email conversations with who seem to be looking for their next fling. There was one who divorced for the second time late last fall. Since then, by his own admission, he's had a "string of short-term relationships" and a couple of longer relationships, and he's back online. This is a guy in his 50s. He and others around the same age came across as either textbook narcissists or flimsy flakes.
What is narcissistic or flimsy flakey about dating normally? Most people date, they have a date, a few, maybe go on for a few weeks or months and then it doesn't work out and they move on. That should be fairly typical.
I don't understand how that can be seen as odd at all. That is what dating is about.
This has been like much of my experience, too. I have received plenty of "action," but little of any real quality or that holds my interest. I have gotten responses from men looking to jump into their next serious relationship/marriage merely weeks after their last, or, of course, from men looking for the next conquest.
I have chosen to meet with only 4 men in 4 months. All 4 of them asked me about marriage and looked aghast when I told them I wasn't interested in marrying again. Two of those 4 became annoyed when they saw that I'd been on the dating site after our FIRST meeting. Yes, after the first (platonic) meeting. Needless to say, there were no second meetings. It seems to me that if someone expects exclusivity of any kind after ONE casual meeting, then they shouldn't be on dating sites.
There have been multiple men who wrote to tell me off for not having followed up on brief introductory email exchanges or chats we'd had weeks earlier (I didn't know I was obligated to do that), or for not giving my phone number within the first couple of emails. Some got pretty hostile and nasty.
Then there are men I had email conversations with who seem to be looking for their next fling. There was one who divorced for the second time late last fall. Since then, by his own admission, he's had a "string of short-term relationships" and a couple of longer relationships, and he's back online. This is a guy in his 50s. He and others around the same age came across as either textbook narcissists or flimsy flakes.
There HAVE been a few who seem like genuinely nice guys, but who either never asked for a specific date or who I wasn't attracted to. After 4 months, I think I've had enough.
This is just my opinion... but based on my experience (and the experience of other divorced people in my old divorce support group) it seems like when people are younger, women want to marry and settle down faster. But there is a certain age where the scales tip in the other direction and men (in general) want to settle down. My experience is most divorced men are want to get back into serious relationships/marriage. And I think it surprises them when they find out that women in their demographic often don't feel the same.
WILD speculation on my part. But based on my marriage, my ex had a live in maid, cook, repair person, gardener, etc, etc AND a second income to support his lifestyle... I was a full time housewife and worked 40+ hours a week outside the home as well. It was like having two jobs (and I don't miss that AT ALL and it's part of the reason I don't want to remarry). But maybe some of these guys miss that if their wives did the same? The are attracted to me, so maybe something about my personality reminds them of their ex-wives and PART of the want to remarry is so someone can step in and fill the vacancy? I am not saying on a conscious level, but on a subconscious level. Thinking of wife as a "job to fill" would explain why these types of men bring up marriage on the first date (or near to it).
Last edited by jillabean; 09-04-2014 at 08:11 AM..
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