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My Bf and I have both finished university with a bachelor's degree, have good jobs, make a little more than 60k a year each. He has no debt. I have a bit of student loans but should be done paying that off very soon. But other than that, I also have no debt. He keeps saying he wants to be financially stable and have everything lined up before he gets married. I use to believe strongly in this concept but I'm starting to lose faith in it because it just seems so inaccurate and like another way of saying, "I'm scared and I'm not ready." My thinking is, "So are we to put our entire lives on hold because you're not close enough to being rich?" It just bothers me.
What say you guys? Is financial stability a necessity for marriage?
He already is financially stable. What more needs to be lined up? Maybe you should be looking around for a new guy, one more interested in getting serious.
My Bf and I have both finished university with a bachelor's degree, have good jobs, make a little more than 60k a year each. He has no debt. I have a bit of student loans but should be done paying that off very soon. But other than that, I also have no debt. He keeps saying he wants to be financially stable and have everything lined up before he gets married. I use to believe strongly in this concept but I'm starting to lose faith in it because it just seems so inaccurate and like another way of saying, "I'm scared and I'm not ready." My thinking is, "So are we to put our entire lives on hold because you're not close enough to being rich?" It just bothers me.
What say you guys? Is financial stability a necessity for marriage?
OP, I think there are a few important questions to answer before a person can give you a proper answer.
1. How old are the two of you?
2. How long have you been a couple?
3. What state do you live in? I know 120K is great in some places and just okay in others
4. How long have you been working? Did you just get these jobs and been only working for a year? Maybe he wants to accumulate enough for a downpayment, wedding, ring, honeymoon, etc etc etc
Hard to say if he's worried about finances or just wasting your time
Hey Stockyman, to answer your questions:
1. I'm 23, he's 24.
2. We've been a serious couple for going on 2 years but we have known each other since high school.
3. I don't want to say what state, but east coast. He has just bought himself a home which will not even render him house poor and that he can pay for on his salary alone. I helped him find it.
4. We've been working for a little over a year. He can afford a ring.
I've asked him a lot of the questions you all have asked me here but I get a mixed message feeling from him. I asked him to clarify and he suddenly began to say the issue isn't financial (though that was his first statement) and then that it was mental. So I'm getting the feeling that he isn't really interested in marriage at this point but doesn't want to say it. I do think that he's putting obstacles in the way. I have asked him, "What is it that you need in order to feel comfortable?" and he suddenly seemed to get irritated so I'm starting to realize that the issue is not "money" or anything that he's been saying so much as it is that he's just not comfortable and ready for marriage, possibly marriage to me. I think if I am to be very honest with myself, we are in two different places in our lives now. I would ask him for further explanation, but sometimes I just need to pay attention to my gut because he'll try to explain it away. He can't seem to stop thinking about anything but his career and that's not going to change. I am applying for graduate school, but I know that career advancement is not my everything. I can think about and pursue other things and I don't believe that marriage (or even engagement) is a step that will bar from that. If I ever bring this stuff up to him, he starts feeling "pressured". So I'm kind of getting the same message you guys are getting.
1. I'm 23, he's 24.
2. We've been a serious couple for going on 2 years but we have known each other since high school.
3. I don't want to say what state, but east coast. He has just bought himself a home which will not even render him house poor and that he can pay for on his salary alone. I helped him find it.
4. We've been working for a little over a year. He can afford a ring.
I've asked him a lot of the questions you all have asked me here but I get a mixed message feeling from him. I asked him to clarify and he suddenly began to say the issue isn't financial (though that was his first statement) and then that it was mental..
23 and 24 are really young for marriage by today's standards. And you've only been going out/serious for 2 years? Give him some time to ripen. How well do you two get along, btw?
My Bf and I have both finished university with a bachelor's degree, have good jobs, make a little more than 60k a year each. He has no debt. I have a bit of student loans but should be done paying that off very soon. But other than that, I also have no debt. He keeps saying he wants to be financially stable and have everything lined up before he gets married. I use to believe strongly in this concept but I'm starting to lose faith in it because it just seems so inaccurate and like another way of saying, "I'm scared and I'm not ready." My thinking is, "So are we to put our entire lives on hold because you're not close enough to being rich?" It just bothers me.
What say you guys? Is financial stability a necessity for marriage?
Don't panic my friend
You are still really young and his attitude is not so uncommon.
And it does not necessarily mean "you aren't the one" or that he expects to be rich before getting married.
He probably is a little scared, but that's no crime and no reason to doubt him either.
Just give him some time! You've each only been out in the "real world" (of making a paycheck) a pretty short time, relatively speaking.
I know you have visions of wedding bells and bliss but give him time to catch up. I'm betting he'll get there!
23 and 24 are really young for marriage by today's standards. And you've only been going out/serious for 2 years? Give him some time to ripen. How well do you two get along?
We get along very well. My thing is I feel like he wants to continue going forward with the relationship without all the responsibility that comes with it. But when I ask him about the relationship and where it's going, he's suddenly pressured.
We get along very well. My thing is I feel like he wants to continue going forward with the relationship without all the responsibility that comes with it. But when I ask him about the relationship and where it's going, he's suddenly pressured.
You've both been working for just a year?
Cut him some slack.
You are very young. If he's not talking marriage after another year, you might need to sit him down and have a chat.
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You are still really young and his attitude is not so uncommon.
And it does not necessarily mean "you aren't the one" or that he expects to be rich before getting married.
He probably is a little scared, but that's no crime and no reason to doubt him either.
Just give him some time! You've each only been out in the "real world" (of making a paycheck) a pretty short time, relatively speaking.
I know you have visions of wedding bells and bliss but give him time to catch up. I'm betting he'll get there!
I'm trying very hard to give him space. I don't text him much, he usually calls me, many times when we hang out he doesn't want me to leave and many times even wants me to stay the night (to which I turn down). He wants me to live with him. Why? It's like he wants to do everything like a married couple without the title and I don't think that's a good idea. I know he's scared. He won't say it, but I can sense it. My thing is, if I try to talk to him about the relationship he comes up with reasons as to why he's not ready but when I ask him to clarify, he gets defensive. But I'm not comfortable with the idea of moving forward physically without the responsibility that comes with it.
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