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These "studies" are necessarily flawed and anecdotal, even if the researchers use credible statistical analysis and have large samples. Why? First of all, what is "happiness"? Happiness depends on personality. A person could be physically healthy, exercise regularly, live to a ripe old age, etc., and still emotionally be unhappy. Second, there are too many variables. Maybe unmarried women regard themselves as pioneers, and therefore urge themselves to feel happy. Maybe unmarried men regard themselves as outcasts and losers, and therefore unwittingly degrade their own happiness. It is also possible that people might be unhappy in marriage, but would be even less happy after divorce, so that marriage is the lesser of the two evils.
But ambiguities and uncertainties notwithstanding, I agree about one crucial observation implicit in the conclusions of these various studies: there was a time, several generations ago, when an unmarried woman was pitied, and marriage was a yearning of most women, save for the occasional iconoclasts or those who devoted themselves to lives of religious asceticism. Men, meanwhile, regarded marriage as an unfortunate duty, something to be endured to obtain legitimate heirs to their estates. Now these sentiments seem to have reversed. Men crave marriage as a desirable attribute in life, or at least later in life, after the wildness of early-adulthood has abated. Women, unless they are traditionalists, are less keen about marriage.
I would argue, in an abstract and metaphysical sense, that the core issue is this: in recent decades, women have embraced the idea that pivotal life choice ought to be undertaken with the specific objective of maximizing happiness. You don't marry, or not marry, to accede to convention, or because of duty. You marry, or go to college, or choose a major, or move across the country, to pursue your happiness. Men, meanwhile, have remained more mechanical. Men are making pivotal life choices by inertia, without specific attention to maximizing happiness. Consequently, if a man is unhappy in a given life-situation, he accepts it as being inevitable. A woman would not tolerate this, instead seeking change. If a man is unhappy in marriage, he just trundles along. If a woman is unhappy in marriage, she will yearn for an alternative. The man might actually be MORE unhappy, but the woman will be more proactive to deal with her unhappiness. I repeat that this is sweepingly speculative, and counterexamples are legion. But the gist, to me, is persuasive
On a personal note, my marriage ended when my then-wife, who for years shared my child-free stance, changed her mind, and came to desire motherhood. She told me that should could not be happy unless she had progeny. I was devastated, but the matter couldn't be helped, so we divorced. Now (several years later) she remarried, and reports (in e-mails to me) that overall she's happy. As for me, well, I'm rather less happy. I was much happier being married, literally right up to the last day.
Unmarried women: these are either women that have just come out of tiresome relationships and are happy to be free, or they are younger women are currently enjoying the "demand" side of the dating pool
Married men: you work, come home, clean up a little and probably have a wife that likes to cook...as long as you don't have too many money issues, your existence is probably the simplest. Smart married men pick and choose their battles
Unmarried men: these guys are probably the happiest in the group when they have regular sexual companionship. The problem is that even the best "mack-daddies" have off nights. If you're not extremely selfish, you get lonely sometimes and wish there was someone to share your life with
Married women: women aren't as good as men when it comes to compartmentalization. When there are problems on the left for a woman, they tend to spill over to the right, front and center. The unhappiness could have one source but it ends up affecting relationships with friends, children etc.
I always laugh when I see statistics like these which are often misleading. I'd be curious to know the sample size and other variables they use for this "study". I know several married men that are not happy at all. They stay married because they do not want to have to pay alimony and potentially lose a lot of their money. Personally, I'm in my late thirties and never married and I couldn't be happier. Would it be nice to have someone to share things with? Sure. But I've always gotten as much enjoyment doing things on my own, and I have a lot of hobbies and activities I enjoy. I am not interested in having kids (never have been), so for that reason I've never really felt a huge need to be "officially" married.
Maybe they servery the wrong people..Married 32 years we are both still happy and crazy mad in love~
Who says this? What I've seen from personal experience is a lot of times the wife wants to talk about things or get counseling, and her husband repeatedly shuts her down or accuses her of being a nag. So she withdraws, still unhappy, and starts to get her ducks in a row. Meanwhile, the husband thinks everything is now fine, because she's shut up about it. Then when he's presented with papers, he claims that he was blindsided.
Just a little qualification: sometimes a woman just wants to have conversation, period. Not necessarily about "things" related to their relationship.
I often told my husband that I didn't need diamonds or fancy dinners and cars. I didn't want a bigger house. I didn't "need" him to bring me flowers or to tell me he loved me, and I could even accept a total lack of romance. But that just a few minutes of general conversation a couple of times per week - about anything at all - would be wonderful. I made this simple request to no avail.
I sometimes read comments on CD accusing women of expecting too much in marriage. While I don't doubt that there are women out there who do, I think a MUCH more common problem is that there ARE men who really should always remain single and live alone, but who, for dubious reasons, choose to marry.
Last edited by newdixiegirl; 08-17-2014 at 11:00 AM..
"There was a Harvard study that proved that unmarried women are the happiest group in America. Married men are second, single men are third, and bringing up the rear as the unhappiest are married women."
I regret that I do not have a source for this, it was a statement made by someone on another forum. But I'm posting it here to open for discussion, because it resonates with me.
I was once a married woman and have never been more miserable in my life.
I am now a single woman and while life is still replete with struggles, I definitely feel much more free and alive than I ever have before.
My ex husband was shattered until he found a new wife, and his happiness ranks right up there, second to happiest compared to me right now.
Another example, when my mom divorced my dad, my mom was very happy. My dad was suicidal.
Sad stuff.
But that "Harvard study" quote falls right into line according to my life experience.
What do you think of that "Harvard study" quote?
Maybe this is more anecdotal for me: the Harvard study as a general seems somewhat true.
Marriage as a social construct in itself can be seen as a very oppressive state of being when the relationship between husband and wife is severely compromised when one party is happy and the other suffers. There's no real relationship involved, other than an unhealthy attachment in a patriarchal world.
Marriage as a personal self-construct (something seen as more meaningful to the couple as a pair), not socially influenced nor forced upon, can be quite happy and rewarding for both parties, all sexes/gender involved.
I wonder if the study takes into account homosexual marriages, and how happiness factors in. When we take gender out of the picture, how do the social roles affect the quality of life for individuals in a legally committed relationship?
My hunch is couples who marry for a higher meaning or a personally experiential basis, probably experience more euphoria, more bliss, more peace and satisfaction in their marriages.
Couples who marry for social norms, social mores, at least the party seen as the less favored gender/social role/social status, probably suffers more bc of the norms and values the society caters to.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dewdroplet76
If we could actually see the study - we might be able to form an opinion on it. But since there has been no proof of the actual study - it doesn't trump anything.
Again, it isn't a harvard study, it was reported on here:
I believe it > im not tryinig to understand it but i believe it. As a man you gotta understand women are super sneaky. And they're the main ones fantisizing about marriage and theyre the most unhappy!!!!! typical
[quote=wipe out;36092941]I would guess that if a mans wife was an overgrown child that did nothing at home he'd be unhappy too.
I just have a hard time believing that all these women who are so strong and independent would just become house slaves and hate their lives after marriage.[/quote]
I think "strong and independent" women kind of expect that that man they marry will be the same. They probably think that things should be shared rather than 'his and hers chores'. Maybe they should discuss things like that BEFORE they get married so no surprises.
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