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Old 08-18-2014, 12:45 AM
 
113 posts, read 113,223 times
Reputation: 58

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Quote:
Originally Posted by CSD610 View Post
These two statements contradict each other, you cannot be one with the other or the other and be one.

It is either you are happy with yourself as you are or you feel like you need to be the most perfect version of yourself which is unattainable in your own mind. So you will never reach that perfection goal because that goal will keep moving further away the closer you get to it.

I'm happy with myself but I don't have any faith that any decent woman would feel the same way



I imagine them all being very harsh on me and demanding perfection
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Old 08-18-2014, 12:46 AM
 
113 posts, read 113,223 times
Reputation: 58
Quote:
Originally Posted by CSD610 View Post
If you continue to procrastinate and know that you are doing it do you really think if you have this issue it is "mild".
There is some reason why you are not putting yourself out there and it could be the attitude that you are putting out.
You state you are perfect in every superficial way except no one is perfect and if that is what you are looking for then you will be looking for a very long time.
Also, if perfection is the way you want others to see you they are going to look beyond you because no one is perfect, no matter how hard you try.

You are living in your own created self fulfilling prophecy because you think you are not good enough for a good woman.
How about giving a good woman a chance to tell you if you are good enough?


Great post


Let's go in order here in terms of response


1)I don't think I'm perfect in every superficial way. There are men out there much better looking than I am, earn more money than me, are taller, more built, have cooler friends, hang out in cooler environments, etc.... NOT THAT THIS MATTERS, just making a point here


2) I don't want people to think I'm perfect, I want people to like me cause I'm a good guy and I would do anything for my loved ones. I don't want anybody to give a **** about my superficial things


3)I feel like I have to be perfect for any decent woman to like me.
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Old 08-18-2014, 12:50 AM
 
Location: State of Transition
102,132 posts, read 107,402,364 times
Reputation: 115947
Quote:
Originally Posted by Symphony7X View Post
2) I don't want people to think I'm perfect, I want people to like me cause I'm a good guy and I would do anything for my loved ones. I don't want anybody to give a **** about my superficial things
Then why do you care so much about your superficial things? You think you have to be perfectly in shape. That' a superficial thing that you're kinda obsessed with. How can you expect others to look deeply at you if you're so caught up in appearances?
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Old 08-18-2014, 12:50 AM
 
113 posts, read 113,223 times
Reputation: 58
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
That contradiction you pointed out is the OP's way of asking for help, then denying he needs it once people offer suggestions. It's a pattern with him.

The problem is that it's just very difficult to express how I feel


People read my posts and automatically assume I have an annihilated self esteem/self worth and it's just not true. I feel fine about myself and very happy about the direction that my life is headed in. I love everything I do, love my friends, family, hobbies


I'm just very very negative towards women and dating, very defeatist. I know it doesn't make sense but it's just reality. I have a great attitude and believe I deserve everything in all other facets of my life but I have absolutely zero self worth in relation to dating
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Old 08-18-2014, 12:51 AM
 
113 posts, read 113,223 times
Reputation: 58
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
Then why do you care so much about your superficial things? You think you have to be perfectly in shape. That' a superficial thing that you're kinda obsessed with. How can you expect others to look deeply at you if you're so caught up in appearances?

because that's the only way I feel that any woman would ever like me



if I was perfect in every way
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Old 08-18-2014, 12:53 AM
 
Location: State of Transition
102,132 posts, read 107,402,364 times
Reputation: 115947
Quote:
Originally Posted by Symphony7X View Post
because that's the only way I feel that any woman would ever like me



if I was perfect in every way
But you can see that that's irrational, right? If you step back, and look at the situation objectively, you can see it's an irrational belief?
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Old 08-18-2014, 12:53 AM
 
Location: Queens, NY
4,525 posts, read 3,395,526 times
Reputation: 6030
Quote:
Originally Posted by Symphony7X View Post
The problem is that it's just very difficult to express how I feel


People read my posts and automatically assume I have an annihilated self esteem/self worth and it's just not true. I feel fine about myself and very happy about the direction that my life is headed in. I love everything I do, love my friends, family, hobbies


I'm just very very negative towards women and dating, very defeatist. I know it doesn't make sense but it's just reality. I have a great attitude and believe I deserve everything in all other facets of my life but I have absolutely zero self worth in relation to dating
To be honest, this post almost resonates with me. Only I've attempted to get out of the negativity towards women and dating in recent months.
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Old 08-18-2014, 12:56 AM
 
35,095 posts, read 51,109,197 times
Reputation: 62664
Quote:
Originally Posted by Symphony7X View Post
The problem is that it's just very difficult to express how I feel


People read my posts and automatically assume I have an annihilated self esteem/self worth and it's just not true. I feel fine about myself and very happy about the direction that my life is headed in. I love everything I do, love my friends, family, hobbies


I'm just very very negative towards women and dating, very defeatist. I know it doesn't make sense but it's just reality. I have a great attitude and believe I deserve everything in all other facets of my life but I have absolutely zero self worth in relation to dating

You are being clear about expressing how you feel with your words and we are telling you that you are your own worst enemy.
You have made yourself judge and jury for every possible available woman out there instead of allowing her/them to make the decision about you, you have already done that for them. Hence the reason you continue to procrastinate when it comes to dating.

Is any of this making sense to you?
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Old 08-18-2014, 01:09 AM
 
4,078 posts, read 5,400,769 times
Reputation: 4958
I dated a guy who was a pretty boy. He was very much into fitness, body building, chiseled abs, Ken doll, shaved head, perfect pretty boy to the T of perfection.. I felt really sad for him, because despite his emphasis on his looks, deep down inside, he felt he was ugly. Other people didn't analyze him as much, but that's my take on his situation. Maybe his may be similar or completely different to yours.

He was a procrastinator in that he would wait until women fell into his lap, or at least there was a female to set him up.

He was actually very good looking, but perhaps as a baby? Not so much. I mean, he had a head of hair like Godzilla, and I think whenever he looks at his baby photos (his mom loves showing them off), he looks like a gigantic baby and this left a really scarred imprint on him.

He was even very cute without the saved head (nerdy look especially, when he looked like a nerd- wooh weeh was this guy HOTT but he didn't think so). And, he thought if he could just chisled his abs more.. and in actuality, the more buff he was, the more turned off I was. Some girls really do like buff. And, he even bought perfect Calvin Klein undies to match his abs.

My point is- if you want a real connection, your procrastination is tied within your need for perfection within yourself.

You are self-rejecting your true self when you reject who you are deep inside by compromising and expecting perfection when perfection doesn't exist. In turn, you compromise your own true nature as a person. Your perfectionism is also your form of complete self-rejection.

Accept yourself. If you can't love yourself, who will? If you reject yourself, who will really accept you for you when you keep denying that your imperfections are what really makes you satiable as a person!
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Old 08-18-2014, 01:27 AM
 
Location: CA
3,467 posts, read 8,131,761 times
Reputation: 4840
Quote:
Originally Posted by Symphony7X View Post
I do it non stop. I always tell myself that I want to improve myself much much more before it's even worth a try. I made a thread earlier where I talked about how I'm well above average in every superficial way that people are judged (not that it matters) and I consciously see men who are very average constantly have success in dating yet this just does not register in my mind. I constantly go back to my old notions of feeling like I have to be absolutely perfect beyond perfect to have any chance whatsoever in dating so I always want to procrastinate, procrastinate, procrastinate. I want to look like a fitness magazine coverboy before I put in any real effort towards meeting someone (I'm muscular now and look great in street clothes but I don't have the fully chiseled six pack abs quite yet, about a month away from that)

What causes this on a psychological level? and no I don't have stupid high standards towards women. Despite my success in life, I'm not interested at all in superficial or high maintenance women. I want someone who is nice, caring, loyal, sweet in terms of personality traits and decent looking with a decent figure in terms of physical traits
The fact that you're dissecting this now is good, because it shows you are aware of it. But sometimes it's best to stop dissecting and just start doing. Because otherwise you go full circle - you go back to the thought that you need to improve in someway instead of acting now as you are & improving through the action itself.

Your observation that very average looking people (and frankly, some very homely as well) are frequently paired off is true, and some also don't have great personalities or much else to offer. So the obstacle IS in your head.

I'm not sure what causes this on a psychological level. Perhaps it really is just the fear of not being good enough & you now need to consider where that stems from in order to deal with its root. Sometimes we got "messages" in childhood that we need to be X way to be loved, aka, that we don't have intrinsic worth. Sometimes it's even more subtle than that, but the ultimate message may be the same - that we don't deserve the same love others do, and the only way to deserve it is through becoming something else, or achieving something, etc.

Your imagining of women being harsh & demanding towards you is a projection of your own critical voice. Remember that it's your voice & so you can change it.
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