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This post was inspired by a comment JrzDefector made about one of her exes.
He was scared that his love for her would give her too much power.
I attract guys like this, guys who say things to me like "You're going to break my heart" or "You're going to wreck me". They then spend the relationship trying to one-up me at every turn, as if it's some sort of competition. They think I have ulterior motives, when that is the very last thing on my mind.
It's like a desperate scramble for power. But I am not trying to take their "power" away in the first place.
Is this just a matter of attracting very insecure men? Men with something to "prove" over a woman?
I really don't understand why some people try to make relationships about power in first place.
I may just be old lol but I thought relationships were about being with someone you care about. You trust them, they trust you, you like/love them and vice versa.
This post was inspired by a comment JrzDefector made about one of her exes.
He was scared that his love for her would give her too much power.
I attract guys like this, guys who say things to me like "You're going to break my heart" or "You're going to wreck me". They then spend the relationship trying to one-up me at every turn, as if it's some sort of competition. They think I have ulterior motives, when that is the very last thing on my mind.
It's like a desperate scramble for power. But I am not trying to take their "power" away in the first place.
Is this just a matter of attracting very insecure men? Men with something to "prove" over a woman?
The weird thing about that guy was that he'd had a crush on me for FIVE YEARS. I was wary because I'd heard questionable things about his character, but as I got to know him, I decided he wasn't a bad guy and I should take a chance on him.
But I think he was interested in me because he thought I was weak or nonthreatening? I'm kind of socially awkward and not terribly pretty, and I'm usually just in a t-shirt and jeans. It's easy to make assumptions about me. He was a good-looking guy, but had a lot of issues with depression and had consistently sabotaged his professional future.
While he was dating me, he came to see that I had a large number of friends, an extended family that was fairly close and very proud of me, a job in which I was respected and fairly successful, etc. I think all of that intimidated him. He would often try to undermine me with little digs and comments. Interestingly, I didn't understand what was going on - my previous boyfriends had been very supportive and complimentary (as I was to them) and I just didn't recognize the negative behavior in that relationship for a very long time. Part of that was his refusal to tell me he loved me. I had said it to him after about 9 months of intensive dating, and he hadn't said it in return. That was fine. But at a year, I asked him about it in a nonconfrontational way - he said he barely knew me and that he couldn't say he loved me after such a short time. So basically, we'd known each other for 6 years at that point.
Eventually I realized my relationship was not adding to my happiness and broke up with him - I knew I was unhappy, but didn't know why. There was a lot of analysis that took place after the fact.
I really don't understand why some people try to make relationships about power in first place.
I may just be old lol but I thought relationships were about being with someone you care about. You trust them, they trust you, you like/love them and vice versa.
That was kind of the problem. I didn't understand what was going on until I was out of the relationship. I always subscribed to the idea that the point of a relationship was that you kind of joined forces. But he kind of wanted someone he could use to boost himself. It was a very strange time in my life.
But I think he was interested in me because he thought I was weak or nonthreatening? I'm kind of socially awkward and not terribly pretty, and I'm usually just in a t-shirt and jeans. It's easy to make assumptions about me. He was a good-looking guy, but had a lot of issues with depression and had consistently sabotaged his professional future.
While he was dating me, he came to see that I had a large number of friends, an extended family that was fairly close and very proud of me, a job in which I was respected and fairly successful, etc. I think all of that intimidated him. He would often try to undermine me with little digs and comments. Interestingly, I didn't understand what was going on - my previous boyfriends had been very supportive and complimentary (as I was to them) and I just didn't recognize the negative behavior in that relationship for a very long time. Part of that was his refusal to tell me he loved me. I had said it to him after about 9 months of intensive dating, and he hadn't said it in return. That was fine. But at a year, I asked him about it in a nonconfrontational way - he said he barely knew me and that he couldn't say he loved me after such a short time. So basically, we'd known each other for 6 years at that point.
Eventually I realized my relationship was not adding to my happiness and broke up with him - I knew I was unhappy, but didn't know why. There was a lot of analysis that took place after the fact.
I have totally been there. It's a feeling of being "pushed out of the spotlight" when you're with that person, like they don't want you to have anything good, because THEY must get it all.
And it's subtle, insidious.
Maybe it is that they're so insecure that they just HAVE to be in control. They think that just being themselves and making the relationship about love, not power, is too "unsafe" and therefore they must control you by any means possible. Sad.
I get this a lot, IRL. I don't date the guys who do it, but I am a woman in a nontraditional field, and I am very competent. And a lot of guys get real emotional about that, and try to put me down to make themselves feel better.
I haven't ever had a relationship that felt like joining forces, either, and I want to. I have always dated guys who are very independent, like me. I guess because they are the ones that are not intimidated by me?
It would be neat to find a guy who did not feel threatened and wanted to be a team. The women I have dated have been more like that.
I get this a lot, IRL. I don't date the guys who do it, but I am a woman in a nontraditional field, and I am very competent. And a lot of guys get real emotional about that, and try to put me down to make themselves feel better.
I haven't ever had a relationship that felt like joining forces, either, and I want to. I have always dated guys who are very independent, like me. I guess because they are the ones that are not intimidated by me?
It would be neat to find a guy who did not feel threatened and wanted to be a team. The women I have dated have been more like that.
NilaJones - do you find that the guys who do this are more on the effeminate side?
The ones who get all insecure and competitive? H*ll no. It's the macho, manly-man types who have all the gender issues, IME.
Which is too bad, because I enjoy machismo.
Mine have been macho on the outside but total wimps on the inside. And when things go wrong, they don't fight like men, they resort to catty passive-aggressiveness!
Mine have been macho on the outside but total wimps on the inside. And when things go wrong, they don't fight like men, they resort to catty passive-aggressiveness!
OIC... that's a very different phenomenon from what I have run into.
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