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She's not still hurting. It's a manipulation and you're falling for it.
If presently you can't work anything out it's best not to talk to her until you can get to a point where you can have a conversation with no drama. To decide if you really want to be with her yourself.
I hope you wouldn't enter a relationship out of guilt, or trying to do the right thing.
Forget her. Forget the alleged pregnancy. Do you really love her? Do you really want to marry her? If so, work on that and let the past go.
If you're not really in love with her, wait to see if she's actually pregnant. If she is, have her take the DNA test because women play men they think are suckers to take care of some other dude's baby. If you are the father, you can offer to pay for an abortion. If she doesn't want this you'll be paying for child support. Either way, you'll be doing both of you a favor by getting in touch with how you really feel.
Ive been calmed down a lot since we broke up and yes she is probably playing me as a result of my actions I did. Anyhow I do love her and care about her , I figure out she still need some time to talk properly about it. As for doing a DNA test is it possible to do it in such an early stage ? Wouldn't she get offended by asking her ?
I am at the point where I can control myself now , I see and realize why she is like that and I also can control myself even when I think about it, obviously I do love her and still I am willing to give it a go , like you said I don't want to be played or used as an emotional cushion for her whenever she needs me. Its hard to determine weather she is really in need of me or not , but I do know how she is, so merely I hope I am correct. But true I am rational now , I just want to do the right thing for her and me. Im the one who caused this in the first place and I can imagine for her it came as a big shock. Therefore I think she just needs some time until she has a clear view on the situation...
There is no difference between being lazy, bad with money, or cheating. Many people get divorced because of financial reasons, abuse, or other issues that have nothing to do with cheating. Many people forgive those situations, and many people forgive cheating. For better or worse they love them, and you don't love someone just because they are a good guy/gal (keep in mind everyone has a bad side).
And the fact of the matter is I don't buy this woman is in the agonized pain months after her boyfriend cheated. She's playing him and he's too young or naive to realize women can be manipulative.
Uh, yeah there is a difference between being lazy and bad with money, and cheating. The former two are personality traits and shortcomings, the latter is a clear breach of trust and the commitment one has made to another.
Many people do forgive - their lives, go ahead.
I don't know the OP or his girlfriend and neither do you, so I'm guessing you're insinuating that it's not possible to be in legitimate emotional pain months after an affair. Are you kidding me? Are you freaking kidding me?! Do you have ANY idea the kind of damage that cheating does to trust in a relationship, and how long it takes for that trust to be repaired, if it even can be?
Uh, yeah there is a difference between being lazy and bad with money, and cheating. The former two are personality traits and shortcomings, the latter is a clear breach of trust and the commitment one has made to another.
Many people do forgive - their lives, go ahead.
I don't know the OP or his girlfriend and neither do you, so I'm guessing you're insinuating that it's not possible to be in legitimate emotional pain months after an affair. Are you kidding me? Are you freaking kidding me?! Do you have ANY idea the kind of damage that cheating does to trust in a relationship, and how long it takes for that trust to be repaired, if it even can be?
You're ludicrous.
No, I am not. Have I been cheated on? Yes. Was it the end of the world? No! While I was pretty pissed at the person who cheated on me, let's just say I got even.
At the same point, though I got revenge, I never wanted to use guilt to try to rope my friend in. For the things I was pissed about, I was pissed (in some ways cheating was the least of them, in general he was a pathological liar). But then again, I'm vindictive. But we were both men.
In these sorts of situations I notice some women try and claim moral superiority. But in this case we do not know if there is a baby or if there is baby if the baby is his! Yes, women cheat too. Sometimes in a relationship where one person has had an affair, the other has as well.
Which is why I suggested he get rid of the guilt and move on to get to the bottom of who he feels and what HE wants to do.
Relationships and marriages also mean different things to different people. Bill cheated on Hillary. She didn't divorce him because she was first lady and she had her own political ambitions she wanted Bill's help in. They are business partners and partners in general. This isn't the dream marriage but that doesn't mean that they can't love each other, and both of them got a lot out of their association.
Some people in relationships and marriages come to have understands where one of both of them do whatever. Some are completely monogamous. Different people have different things that make relationships work, and it's a shame people project their own pain and humiliation of their own situations which they never resolved onto others. For me, a lie is a lie whether it's about finances, cheating, or anything else. I hate lying more than anything, and I hate lying in general much more than I hate cheating. What bothers one person doesn't necessarily bother another, and if it does not necessarily to the same degree.
Also, someone could not cheat and they could spend all their money or drugs or booze, and ruin the relationship that way. I have broken up with someone who had a terrible substance abuse problem (this is far worse than cheating) as addicts tend to be the worst liars, and they have other major personality problems. Some addicts can be violent or prone to additional criminal activities, and you don't want an association with a criminal to land you in legal hot water.
Ive been calmed down a lot since we broke up and yes she is probably playing me as a result of my actions I did. Anyhow I do love her and care about her , I figure out she still need some time to talk properly about it. As for doing a DNA test is it possible to do it in such an early stage ? Wouldn't she get offended by asking her ?
I am at the point where I can control myself now , I see and realize why she is like that and I also can control myself even when I think about it, obviously I do love her and still I am willing to give it a go , like you said I don't want to be played or used as an emotional cushion for her whenever she needs me. Its hard to determine weather she is really in need of me or not , but I do know how she is, so merely I hope I am correct. But true I am rational now , I just want to do the right thing for her and me. Im the one who caused this in the first place and I can imagine for her it came as a big shock. Therefore I think she just needs some time until she has a clear view on the situation...
You didn't physically attack/beat her, you didn't steal all her money, you didn't dump her at the altar, etc. In terms of the terrible, sleazy scale to be honest what you did is very low on the scale.
The bottom line is either she will forgive you and be with you or won't. That's why I'm suggesting you put guilt aside and deal with the possible pregnancy and see if you are the father first. And to also really reassess whether you want to be with her on not (Think of your own feelings first, because if you don't love her you're wasting your time and hers if you try to make things work out of guilt).
"You can contact DDC at 1-800-798-0580 and discuss your options with a paternity professional. They can answer your questions and guide you through the process."
"If you are pregnant, most states have laws that require an Acknowledgment of Paternity form to be completed at the hospital to legally establish who the father is. After the AOP is signed, couples have a limited amount of time, depending on the state, to request DNA paternity test and amend the AOP. This form is filed with the Bureau of Vital Statistics and is a legally binding document. If the time allowed for amending this form expires, the father listed as the AOP and birth certificate could be held legally responsible for the child, even if he later proves he is not the biological father."
You so don't want to pay child support for a child that isn't yours. If she has been with you and only you and if she is pregnant and wants the baby she should understand. If she's hysterically upset there may be a red flag. Either way if she is pregnant and wants to have the baby you need to get to the bottom of this.
Uh, yeah there is a difference between being lazy and bad with money, and cheating. The former two are personality traits and shortcomings, the latter is a clear breach of trust and the commitment one has made to another.
Many people do forgive - their lives, go ahead.
I don't know the OP or his girlfriend and neither do you, so I'm guessing you're insinuating that it's not possible to be in legitimate emotional pain months after an affair. Are you kidding me? Are you freaking kidding me?! Do you have ANY idea the kind of damage that cheating does to trust in a relationship, and how long it takes for that trust to be repaired, if it even can be?
You're ludicrous.
I am not insinuating, I am outright saying if the OP keeps his state of mind where he's so desperate to prove he's a good guy to this woman he is setting himself up to be played. And I do think there's a good chance of manipulation.
If she was so hurt but what he did, why is she contacting him still and sleeping with him still? Is it out of love? If so, then they should get back together. But if she is using him and playing his guilt in order to have a man to be there for her when she needs him (and get rid of him or have nothing to do with him when she doesn't) that means this woman is a manipulator/player herself.
You seem to take offense when I said women can be manipulators or liars AS WELL as MEN. And just because this guy cheated on his girlfriend doesn't make him Satan, any more than it makes her the Virgin Mary!
By the way man, if she is pregnant and it turns out you aren't the Dad you may want to WALK away from her and actually end it.
Not too many men would be happy about being played and lied about who the father of a woman's baby is. This may not be the case, but it's something you need to get to the bottom of and find out for sure.
I get more and more suspicious about this the more I think about it. The fact that she sometimes contacts you and sometimes she won't respond to you makes me think she might be seeking solace in the arms of another man, and you weren't confrontational about this because of your GUILT and your FEAR of LOSING her. Meaning you've given her all the power.
There can be a number of reasons for a late period. Stress, miscalculation, illness, just to name a few. Your first order of business should be to see a doctor for a definitive answer. And while you're at the doctors office ask him to educate both of you on the use of ..... Wait for it......BIRTH CONTROL.
No, I am not. Have I been cheated on? Yes. Was it the end of the world? No! While I was pretty pissed at the person who cheated on me, let's just say I got even.
At the same point, though I got revenge, I never wanted to use guilt to try to rope my friend in. For the things I was pissed about, I was pissed (in some ways cheating was the least of them, in general he was a pathological liar). But then again, I'm vindictive. But we were both men.
In these sorts of situations I notice some women try and claim moral superiority. But in this case we do not know if there is a baby or if there is baby if the baby is his! Yes, women cheat too. Sometimes in a relationship where one person has had an affair, the other has as well.
Which is why I suggested he get rid of the guilt and move on to get to the bottom of who he feels and what HE wants to do.
Relationships and marriages also mean different things to different people. Bill cheated on Hillary. She didn't divorce him because she was first lady and she had her own political ambitions she wanted Bill's help in. They are business partners and partners in general. This isn't the dream marriage but that doesn't mean that they can't love each other, and both of them got a lot out of their association.
Some people in relationships and marriages come to have understands where one of both of them do whatever. Some are completely monogamous. Different people have different things that make relationships work, and it's a shame people project their own pain and humiliation of their own situations which they never resolved onto others. For me, a lie is a lie whether it's about finances, cheating, or anything else. I hate lying more than anything, and I hate lying in general much more than I hate cheating. What bothers one person doesn't necessarily bother another, and if it does not necessarily to the same degree.
Also, someone could not cheat and they could spend all their money or drugs or booze, and ruin the relationship that way. I have broken up with someone who had a terrible substance abuse problem (this is far worse than cheating) as addicts tend to be the worst liars, and they have other major personality problems. Some addicts can be violent or prone to additional criminal activities, and you don't want an association with a criminal to land you in legal hot water.
Bolded #1: The person who was faithful has every right to claim moral superiority, because they did not "breach the contract" and commit infidelity.
Bolded #2: The fact that some people engage in non-monogamous relationships is irrelevant to this conversation. When two people do not have an agreement (a contract), in this case to be faithful, then there is no contract to be breached. If there was no agreement of fidelity, then infidelity is categorically impossible. In this case, there was an implied (stated?) agreement of fidelity, otherwise he could not have cheated.
Bolded #3: That's your opinion and some people may agree with you. I think they're equal, i.e. both dealbreakers. It's worth noting that people can be addicted to other things besides alcohol and drugs.
----
Side note - Bill & Hillary has got to be one of the worst examples of a "relationship" you could possibly use. Yes, some marriages do form or stay together because they're "business partners" or for other non-romantic, non-loving reasons, but it's a pretty sad way to have a relationship. Do you really want to refer to your spouse as a business partner? Political leverage? That's terrible. It may be legally a marriage, but that's not a romantic relationship by ANY stretch of the imagination.
I am not insinuating, I am outright saying if the OP keeps his state of mind where he's so desperate to prove he's a good guy to this woman he is setting himself up to be played. And I do think there's a good chance of manipulation.
If she was so hurt but what he did, why is she contacting him still and sleeping with him still? Is it out of love? If so, then they should get back together. But if she is using him and playing his guilt in order to have a man to be there for her when she needs him (and get rid of him or have nothing to do with him when she doesn't) that means this woman is a manipulator/player herself.
You seem to take offense when I said women can be manipulators or liars AS WELL as MEN. And just because this guy cheated on his girlfriend doesn't make him Satan, any more than it makes her the Virgin Mary!
Bolded #1:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life
She's in a horrible spiral because she loves and needs you so she can talk to you about the person who hurt her so badly, who is also you.
Do you understand that?
When you build a relationship with someone, that person can and often does become your primary emotional outlet/confidante (well maybe not *you*, judging solely by what you've said on this thread, but in normal, healthy relationships that are based on commitment, mutual caring, and love). Emotional attachment is a profound and powerful thing, and can be a very good thing in the context of the "right" relationship. She could be playing him, or she could be feeling the effects of this emotional attachment and wanting to run to the person who cared for her and took care of her emotionally ---> the OP.
Bolded #2: You're assuming this woman is bad/a manipulator. I'm not sure why you feel the need to project this onto her when there's no evidence to suggest this. I'm not "defending" her, because there's no crime from which I can defend her - i.e. YOU can defend the OP, because he committed a moral wrong (which we know because he admitted to doing so), but I can't defend the girlfriend because we don't know she did anything wrong. You, however, are assuming she did.
Bolded #3: No, I'm not taking offense to anything, but I am presuming that this particular woman is innocent because there's no evidence that we know of to confirm or suggest otherwise. Yes, women CAN cheat; yes, women DO cheat; but whether or not THIS woman cheated (or did anything else wrong) is something we don't know!
Yes, and you're speaking off from your own painful situation and projecting it on everyone else. Just because you fell apart when your ex wife cheated on you and got divorced does not mean everyone must or should do what you did. Your situation is not the be all and end all.
Quote:
Originally Posted by NyWriterdude
No, I am not. Have I been cheated on? Yes. Was it the end of the world? No! While I was pretty pissed at the person who cheated on me, let's just say I got even.
At the same point, though I got revenge, I never wanted to use guilt to try to rope my friend in.
I figure, thats the reason why you're sympathetic to infidelity
Like I said, I have no empathy for cheating scum.
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