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Per that article, from match.com of all sources, Going Dutch is the recommended move.
The problem with that list is it appears to be written by a gay guy for gay guys so he's not really looking at the dating situation from a "traditional" point of view and I don't know if you can apply his logic for going Dutch to "traditional" relationships. The dynamic between two men is going to be different than the dynamic between a man and a woman (or two women, for that matter).
Quote:
1. Going anything but Dutch
Although some people think that the person who’s done the asking out should do the paying, going Dutch works best. A first date is no time to establish a power structure, so paying for your date or letting him buy on the first date can be just plain awkward. “Since he asked me out, I let him pay for dinner, but it made me feel weird, like I was a woman from the 1950s,” remembers Brant from Boston, of a recent first date. “The only reason I almost asked him on a second date was so that I could even the score by paying for it, but I decided not to.”
I've never really heard of paying for a date as power structure issue .
[i think the other points in the list apply to all types of arrangements]
I'm curious if you express your view to to your dates?
I'm curious why you were a sucker to a guy who took advantage of you for your money and rarely contributed anything. All that loss could've been avoided by booting his arse from date 1. The bum didn't even say thank you. Pfft. So, when I see the guy doesn't offer to pay, I'll pay for mine, and that is the point of realization that he's not my type and I'm not his and walk away. See I'm not scared of leaving someone I'm incompatible with on the first date.
If you look back at my posts in this thread, I said the same thing as you, just more forward and detailed regarding why. I'd have no problem paying for and treating my boyfriend. But unless we're out as friends only just hanging out, ain't gonna be no him asking me out and me catering to myself the first few dates. Heck no.
Excuse me for being deadly honest, but if a man asks me out on a date with him, I have no expectation that I'll just be treated like someone he's not even interested in, or what's the point? The whole point in the guy asking and paying on the first date is that he wants the lady to feel special and as a courtesy of it being hisssss date for the lady. That in no way makes me an entitled princess, and I'm tired of pansy men on this board acting like women need to bow down to them just because they complimented or asked us out as if it automatically means we owe them something more than a thank you even if we don't become interested in them. Please.
So yeah, you kinda do need to woo us and make us feel special, or at least that's behavior that I personally prefer with someone seeking romance with me and not a buddy ole pal. Or it's to the friend zone for him.
I'm sorry, the point of me asking a woman out on a date is because I'd like to get to know her better and if we click and have a good time we'll meet again. This whole notion that it's a man's responsibility to wow and entertain her is a bunch of bs. Isn't the fact that he actually ASKED you out on date indicate to you that he is interested in you? And I never once said that women need to bow down to me because I asked them on a date. The way you describe dating is similar to a job interview where you are the interviewer. The whole tone of your post is what's in it for YOU. What he can do for YOU. What about me? Don't I deserve to feel special too? You make it seem like you're doing men a huge favor by agreeing to go out with you. I stand by everything I said.
I'm curious why you were a sucker to a guy who took advantage of you for your money and rarely contributed anything. All that loss could've been avoided by booting his arse from date 1. The bum didn't even say thank you. Pfft.
If you look back at my posts in this thread, I said the same thing as you, just more forward and detailed regarding why. I'd have no problem paying for and treating my boyfriend. But unless we're out as friends only just hanging out, ain't gonna be no him asking me out and me catering to myself the first few dates. Heck no.
The guy I was dating paid at first but lost his job during the recession (he took a pay cut when he did find a job). Because I liked him, I continued to see him. Does that make me a sucker? Who knows.
There's quite a big difference between you and I. If you chose to ask questions instead of making assumptions, you might find that out.
Also, you didn't answer my question. Is there a reason for that?
I'm curious if you express your view to to your dates?
Very good question. My ex girlfriend never shared with me until months and months into the relationship that she will NEVER pick up a meal. I couldn't believe it. I've never dated anyone like that before. She thinks men should pay for everything. I very much disagree. I was willing to because I make good money and loved her, but if I had married her, I would not have wanted to pay 100% of the bills. I felt taken advantage of. Men have a lot of financial risk with women like that, especially if they marry them and get divorced down the road. No thanks. I want a partner. Doesn't have to be 50/50, but I'm not going to be financially taken advantage of again.
The guy I was dating paid at first but lost his job during the recession (he took a pay cut when he did find a job). Because I liked him, I continued to see him. Does that make me a sucker? Who knows.
No, it doesn't. It means you had compassion for him. Shame on him for not being grateful.
I'm sorry, the point of me asking a woman out on a date is because I'd like to get to know her better and if we click and have a good time we'll meet again. This whole notion that it's a man's responsibility to wow and entertain her is a bunch of bs. Isn't the fact that he actually ASKED you out on date indicate to you that he is interested in you? And I never once said that women need to bow down to me because I asked them on a date. The way you describe dating is similar to a job interview where you are the interviewer. The whole tone of your post is what's in it for YOU. What he can do for YOU. What about me? Don't I deserve to feel special too? You make it seem like you're doing men a huge favor by agreeing to go out with you. I stand by everything I said.
The disconnect is you looking at a response by itself and not in the context that someone asked a question about why I wouldn't pay his and my tab on the first date as a treat for him even though I'm the one asked out on the date.
And yes anytime a woman you barely even know agrees to go on a DATE with you, not a HANGOUT session, then it is something like a favor except that we're actually curious as well, so it's more like an opportunity to shine, yeah. What other reason are we getting prettied up? To impress, whether anyone admits it or not.
If you want to just know me as a friend, we can just chat over lunch, no date required. Or how about this genius idea: get to know me as a friend, then ask me on a date.
The guy I was dating paid at first but lost his job during the recession (he took a pay cut when he did find a job). Because I liked him, I continued to see him. Does that make me a sucker? Who knows.
There's quite a big difference between you and I. If you chose to ask questions instead of making assumptions, you might find that out.
Also, you didn't answer my question. Is there a reason for that?
Oh so you just misrepresented him for the purpose of the topic huh, to make him seem like some guy who *rarely* - your word - contributed anything without any regard for the supposed fact that he hit some hard times. You even said he took advantage of you. Sheesh. At least I'm honest and guys don't have to worry about that kinda bsing with me. If I have a problem with him not paying, I'm not gonna pretend I'm happy with that especially if I feel like a sucker the way you felt. Ain't gonna be 20 dates, he'll know upfront (not that I'm shallow like that with broke men, just saying).
I answered. I said I find out during the date based on how he acts.
Of course. But that doesn't mean I'm picking up the tab on the first date. It means I'm willing to see what you're about and how you treat me. If I like it, then I'll do the same. I won't date a guy who has a conflict with something fundamental like this anyway.
Well, I haven't read the whole thread, but it seemed like a big ol' difference between simply picking up a tab and your whole attitude toward the guy(s) inviting you out.
No, he's not important to me. I don't even know him, and he's the one asking me out on a date
And you are the one wanting to go out with him just like he wants to go out with you otherwise you would simply decline.
Quote:
If I wanted to just kick it with somebody, I could do that by myself or with friends, people I actually know; impress me, why should I spend my time with you?
Then maybe a friendly approach would bring the nice out of you, right? Imagine a nice guy you feel comfortable with, interesting conversation, good times, looks good, and so on. “Hey, want to kick it this weekend?” you are happy to do so. Since you are “kicking it” you would pay for your expenses, split, or take turns since you are “kicking it” as you say. But later on along the road both of you start to feel something for each other. Would you stop being nice to him and expect him from there on to take care of your expenses, pursue you, impress you, etc.? I don't get the whole entitlement most women have when it comes to dating really.
Last edited by onihC; 09-08-2014 at 11:44 AM..
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