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In every thread about when to have sex in a new relationship, people give the same answer over and over: 'Don't set a timetable; you will know when the time is right'.
But, in my many decades of relationships, this has never happened to me.
I pretty much never feel attracted to anyone on the first date, but by the end of the second date I do, sometimes, and that is the person I keep seeing. On subsequent dates I feel so overwhelmingly attracted to them, and I usually have sex with them on about the third date -- and pretty much every day thereafter for several months. The first time we see each other and don't have sex is noticeable, and that doesn't happen for a while.
This is pretty much what my friends (female and male) do, too. But I have been surprised to learn from online forums that there are people over 21 who wait weeks or months. And it sounds like this may be a good idea, in terms of focusing on other aspects of compatibility.
Is 'knowing the time is right' different from feeling comfortable/safe having sex with the person and wanting to? If so, what should I be looking for?
Is 'knowing the time is right' different from feeling comfortable/safe having sex with the person and wanting to? If so, what should I be looking for?
I'd call them the same thing. I go for it when I want to. The response I get more or less dictates where we go from there:
Is she interested back? We move forward.
Is she not quite comfortable yet, but definitely interested? I'd need some sign, verbal or otherwise, to know that, otherwise I'd get the vibe that she isn't interested at all. To me, it's not much different than how someone responds when they have to cancel a date. Do they offer an alternate time/date/venue? Or do they just say "no" and wait for you to try again? The difference speaks volumes.
Is she not interested? Generally speaks for itself.
You've never felt attracted to anyone on the first date? Usually the whole reason for my first dates is that I am attracted to the person, at least on a physical level.
I have waited a couple of months before, and I have slept with someone after only a few dates. Neither situation has ruined the subsequent relationship.
I think the key element that we usually miss when giving the advice of "knowing if it is right" is to explain that a person needs to be able to separate sex from love, and not mistake one for the other. At the very least, one should know enough about her/himself to know if he/she can handle a sexual relationship before love enters the mix, and if not, to abstain from sleeping with someone until they love one another.
We see too many threads on this forum asking whether or not a relationship will be "ruined" if a couple sleeps together too soon. Nine times out of ten, those questions are asked by women, usually younger women but sometimes older ones. The problem is, these women haven't learned to separate the physical act from the emotional act. That's fine if they can't, but then they need to learn to wait. If someone isn't able to make the distinction between sex and love, then he/she simply isn't ready until love enters the picture.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hivemind31
I'd call them the same thing. I go for it when I want to. The response I get more or less dictates where we go from there:
Is she interested back? We move forward.
Is she not quite comfortable yet, but definitely interested? I'd need some sign, verbal or otherwise, to know that, otherwise I'd get the vibe that she isn't interested at all. To me, it's not much different than how someone responds when they have to cancel a date. Do they offer an alternate time/date/venue? Or do they just say "no" and wait for you to try again? The difference speaks volumes.
Is she not interested? Generally speaks for itself.
This. It's all pretty straightforward.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CarbonCountyLiving
You've never felt attracted to anyone on the first date? Usually the whole reason for my first dates is that I am attracted to the person, at least on a physical level.
I have waited a couple of months before, and I have slept with someone after only a few dates. Neither situation has ruined the subsequent relationship.
I think the key element that we usually miss when giving the advice of "knowing if it is right" is to explain that a person needs to be able to separate sex from love, and not mistake one for the other. At the very least, one should know enough about her/himself to know if he/she can handle a sexual relationship before love enters the mix, and if not, to abstain from sleeping with someone until they love one another.
We see too many threads on this forum asking whether or not a relationship will be "ruined" if a couple sleeps together too soon. Nine times out of ten, those questions are asked by women, usually younger women but sometimes older ones. The problem is, these women haven't learned to separate the physical act from the emotional act. That's fine if they can't, but then they need to learn to wait. If someone isn't able to make the distinction between sex and love, then he/she simply isn't ready until love enters the picture.
Exactly. With my current GF we slept together before our first date. Hasn't hindered anything, and in fact, we would probably never have dated if we didn't as that's how we met. One of those random encounters that makes life fun.
In every thread about when to have sex in a new relationship, people give the same answer over and over: 'Don't set a timetable; you will know when the time is right'.
But, in my many decades of relationships, this has never happened to me.
I pretty much never feel attracted to anyone on the first date, but by the end of the second date I do, sometimes, and that is the person I keep seeing. On subsequent dates I feel so overwhelmingly attracted to them, and I usually have sex with them on about the third date -- and pretty much every day thereafter for several months. The first time we see each other and don't have sex is noticeable, and that doesn't happen for a while.
This is pretty much what my friends (female and male) do, too. But I have been surprised to learn from online forums that there are people over 21 who wait weeks or months. And it sounds like this may be a good idea, in terms of focusing on other aspects of compatibility.
Is 'knowing the time is right' different from feeling comfortable/safe having sex with the person and wanting to? If so, what should I be looking for?
I don't think there's a difference. I thought "when the time is right" included all the things you said here. Least that what it means for me. Unless when the time is right just means when you're so horny you can't hold it. Probably for some.
Me personally,
Spoiler
I, myself, would wait a few months. but this is on paper. I can't predict the future. I could every well end up sleeping with a guy in a few weeks. it depends. Just for now, I don't think I would. I know when a man is attractive. Doesn't take time to know if someone is hot. lol But sexual attraction, for me, is build, determined, with seeing their character, and how well we go together, and things of that nature.
How well to they get along with family?
How do they treat other people?
How they seem to treat and respond to me?
Are they respectful?
Can they be there for me for me when I have issues, and does it seem genuine?
How do they handle conflict? For example, do they run from it, sweep it under the rug and not want to talk things out, hold grudges and things against you, to throw them in your face later?
For me, it just takes seeing their character unfold beforehand. I can't be sexual on just looks alone.
Like a huge crush I have now. I liked the guy for 2 years now. If I could get a hold of him, we could be having sex 2-3 times a day. But I didn't feel this way when I 1st saw him. I thought he was hot, instantly, but wasn't until seeing more of his personality did the sexually desire come in. Same for my previous crush. Hot guy, didn't start wanting him sexually until I saw more of his persona.
So, I don't think I am manipulative. And I am not trying
to play games,
get amusement from giving the guy blue balls,
entrap him,
to play hard to get.
But I just have to know him, and us to have a stable solid, exclusive relationship. That's how it is for me. Going on this forum, it's not a popular thing. But just how it is, for me. But I understand if that doesn't work, or is too much for some people-that's their life and way.
So, I feel the time would be right when I feel I am really connected to him, and feel I know him well. We could get down to business, and continue everyday. lol But, this is for now. Who knows what I may end up doing later.
I can happily maintain a sexual relationship without falling in love for quite a long time, but not with someone who is compatible for a serious relationship. Does that make sense? It needs to be a FWB (but can include actual friendship).
With someone who is compatible for more, I fall in love quickly and sex is part of that. I do have some hesitation about delaying sex, actually, because I am afraid I would fall in love with someone and then discover that we are not compatible sexually. Been there, married that :/.
I do feel that having sex early sometimes results in love and a long relationship with someone who is less compatible on other levels than I initially thought. I can't see how to balance all this out -- ensure sexual compatibility, while making time for close assessment of other kinds of compatibility.
It's a pretty tricky thing when you really think about it. For me, I would have to say it would probably take a little while before I decided to sleep with someone I have been seeing. There are so many factors. I have to be attracted to the person before I even consider going on a date with them. That is how I always felt about dating.
The whole concept of a relationship and being romantically close to so someone is totally foreign to me, so I imagine it would take a while for me to be comfortable. The key things that I would look at is: Do I love him or am I just lusting? How he is towards me, how patient he is, how willing he is to understand how I feel, if he is respectful, etc. Those are the things I would look for the most. It would indicate to me that he likes ME. Unless he is faking it. But that is something totally different.
For someone like me, it would take time and patience, so I can't put it into a time frame. My feelings come when they feel like it, and if I am spending time analyzing how I feel majority of the time, I probably won't ever get comfortable. Normally if I am going to like someone, it usually happens pretty quickly.
I can happily maintain a sexual relationship without falling in love for quite a long time, but not with someone who is compatible for a serious relationship. Does that make sense? It needs to be a FWB (but can include actual friendship).
With someone who is compatible for more, I fall in love quickly and sex is part of that. I do have some hesitation about delaying sex, actually, because I am afraid I would fall in love with someone and then discover that we are not compatible sexually. Been there, married that :/.
I do feel that having sex early sometimes results in love and a long relationship with someone who is less compatible on other levels than I initially thought. I can't see how to balance all this out -- ensure sexual compatibility, while making time for close assessment of other kinds of compatibility.
Totally makes sense.
I've also been in those situations where I knew if the sexual aspect entered the picture too quickly, I wouldn't be ready for it. On the other hand, there have been times where I knew I was ready for it fairly quickly.
I think you need to just not overthink it and take things case by case.
when you make the decision to have sex in a relationship is entirely up to you. as i have said before, it is usually the men that approach women and initiate a relationship, its the women that decide when sex is introduced. if you are comfortable introducing sex to a relationship on the third date, and it works for you, then by all mean continue what oyu are doing as long as you are happy doing it.
It really does vary tremendously. One woman I had sex with on the first date. Another we waited for about three months. I was very attracted to both of them, and they me. The only difference is with the first we acted on that pretty fast, the other was slower to develop. This is a case where I don't think there is a right or wrong answer. Whatever you are comfortable with.
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But I didn't feel this way when I 1st saw him. I thought he was hot, instantly, but wasn't until seeing more of his personality did the sexually desire come in. Same for my previous crush. Hot guy, didn't start wanting him sexually until I saw more of his persona. 
