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I'm 27. When I was 21, I fell in love with a guy who I later found out was married. I didn't take it very seriously back then. Knowing he was married was "that" detail that kept me from getting so involved as to later suffer of some sort of disappointment. I wasn't expecting anything out of him. But I liked him, I liked everything about him and knowing him I understood how shockingly deep can affection for someone be. I lived a few years being happy just to know he existed. I felt it was an achievement in itself the fact that I met someone for whom I could feel all those wonderful things. We had a very strong chemistry and everytime we talked or got near one another it was this intense feeling that we belong, we were like two wheels of the same engine, or I don't know how to describe it. It was so intense that I didn't feel the need to act on it, I didn't feel the need to try to "make it happen", because somewhere in my subconscious I was, somehow, although maybe it sounds stupid now, I was sure someday somehow we would be together. Because it seemed like the most natural thing to happen. I was always a passionate person, I had fallen intensely in love with other guys before but never like this and I never felt like someone was RIGHT for me. This guy was.
I didn't want to cause any trouble for him, mostly because I also knew his wife and she was my type of girl too. In fact, we were very much alike and I suppose in other circumstances we would have been very good friends. But I didn't avoid him either, I thought "let things go as they will" because, again, I just had this feeling that something will somehow happen.
The thing did happen. We eventually talked about it and I understood that most if not all the feelings were shared. But I knew he wouldn't leave his wife unless she did. They have some impressive history too and, as I was saying, me and her are very very similar. Weirdly enough this didn't upset me in any way, I was mad at life if anything, for pulling such a joke. I do believe even now that it was just a matter of "who met who first". And the funnier thing is that we found out that we had had the chance of meeting before, some places we both used to go when we were little. But we just never met. It was so funny I guess it just made me want to believe in fate and all that bull.
The expected happened. In about 2 years after we met, he left the country with his wife for a better life. In a way, I was glad it was the right thing to do. But on the other hand I was sad beyond even my understanding. I just hated the way everything turned out. I hated that I had the luck to find this guy in this situation, that life teaches you something, shows it to you, then just laughs and tells you you can't have it. The last time I spoke to him was on my birthday. I still remember how sad that moment was, although then I was happy just to hear him. His voice was sad, he just wished me things and then said goodbye, and we never talked again. I didn't try to contact him again because... it was just obvious.
I was so sad, not the kind of sadness that makes you cry. I didn't cry then, even though I do usually cry when I get heartbroken. I just continued my studies, I got a job, I went on with my life as it was. I tried to get my mind busy, not to think of inconvinient reality. It's been 4 years since he left. And I still didn't manage to even care about any other male. I don't even see the guys around me. I'm simply not interested. I was a very sexual person, I was always obsessing about someone. Now I simply can't get back to it. Sex makes me cry because the feelings are just overwhelmingly depressing. I tried going out with a few guys, couple times. I just couldn't make myself care, although I found them handsome and funny and whatever. I can't feel anything that can compare to even a 10th portion of what I felt for him and therefore I'm just passive and not interested.
Thing is I'm not actually thinking about him. There was a time when he was around when I couldn't get him off my head even for 1 second the whole day. Now I guess there are even months in a row that I really don't even remember he exists. Then something happens, like yesterday I had a dream that we met again, I woke up very shaken up, having the feeling that it was all real and then getting very frustrated that all those powerful realistic feelings were just a dream. And after this I end up thinking about him a bit and coming back home to cry and feel depressed.
I can't get over him. I am really thinking it's something that will follow me for the whole life. I keel thinking, he's already been the only man for me for 6 years. Even though he never was mine anyway. Even though I haven't seen nor spoke to him in 4 years. Even though I'm not even obsessing about him any longer. I need hope that things will get better. I need to believe that there will be a day when I will find someone to actually be with and love that way. Or else my life is just pointless. And I am really worried that somehow all the love I had in me went away with him. It's cliche, but I really feel that.
It's normal to take many years to get over an intense love. Eventually you will get over him, just not yet.
Probably part of what is making it difficult this time is that you two were never 'together' enough for you to see the flaws that only come out when you live in the same house with someone for years. That, plus the fact that didn't break up for a reason that had to do with your relationship.
The combo of these two things is that you have an idealized view of who he is. Real guys can't live up to that. Part of getting over him is going to involve realising that the man you loved did not really exist.
You will love again, just as deeply and passionately. And next time it will be real love, and a real relationship.
If you are not somebody who thinks counseling is only for broken people (it's for healthy people like you, too!) you might find it incredibly useful. Just make sure you interview at least 4 or 5 counselors before you choose one.
Location: Subconscious Syncope, USA (Northeastern US)
2,365 posts, read 2,161,672 times
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The thing here is, no matter who said or did what, you never really had him.
Sure, you had the excitement of a behind the scenes illicit affair with a married man, but that's all you really had. Someone else owns him.
You can rationalize to yourself how perfect he was for you, but in reality, he wasnt perfect. He cheated. Cheating is far from optimal. Do you really think if you were his wife, his cheating on you would add to his perfection in your eyes? If you had met him first...then you would be the lady he is cheating on right now.
You are at an age where you have to get serious if you want to have a family starting by the time you are in your early thirties. Its time for the playful little girl to grow up. To find something perfect and real, you have to be something perfect and real.
It's normal to take many years to get over an intense love. Eventually you will get over him, just not yet.
Probably part of what is making it difficult this time is that you two were never 'together' enough for you to see the flaws that only come out when you live in the same house with someone for years. That, plus the fact that didn't break up for a reason that had to do with your relationship.
The combo of these two things is that you have an idealized view of who he is. Real guys can't live up to that. Part of getting over him is going to involve realising that the man you loved did not really exist.
You will love again, just as deeply and passionately. And next time it will be real love, and a real relationship.
If you are not somebody who thinks counseling is only for broken people (it's for healthy people like you, too!) you might find it incredibly useful. Just make sure you interview at least 4 or 5 counselors before you choose one.
This. Exactly
He wasnt real, you idealized him.
You need to try to really get to know other people. At first, everyone will pale compared to him, but just give it time. Believe me, i ve been in a similar situation, in where i idealized and passionately love someone, but, in my case, it just took me six months to find someone real, but, for a moment there, i was suffering knowing no one could compare to him. And i also didnt have a real relationship with him. And then i met other men and thought everyone was boring/stupid etc next to him.
Real relationships might not be as exciting. Heck, its even possible you wont find the same chemistry you had with him, with someone else, but you fill find other things, much more rewarding things. Love. Not idealized love, but affection, respect, friendship, sharing: love.
Yes, I have been told this more than once, that I have an idealized image of him. I did think about it a lot, trying to figure out if it really was true and if it how, how much of it was true. I guess it's true that not actually being with him means I never got to know "everything". But it's not all about this. There were many things we had in common, tastes, attitudine regarding this and that. I just genuinely felt very good around him and very comfortable... because when there are many things in common you don't feel the pressure of trying to be or seem something else other than what you are. I sincerely never had that before, although I also suppose when you are young you have these kind of troubled relationships with many frustrations and whatnot.
I've been trying to figure out if I wasn't maybe trying to find him excuses for acting in a way or another. Sure, I wasn't exactly pleased thinking that he was actually cheating. I thought about it a lot too. But then again, I think he was taking comfort thinking he wasn't actually cheating. I know this because I would probably do this too. But I also know none of us would actually say that that wasn't cheating, if it only happened to somebody else not us >)) I guess some would call is being a coward? I don't know, I didn't really see it like a big deal, it's just something most of us do in a way or another. So it was just another reason to see him more "human" with all his flaws... even this one. And because it's not like he was trying to hide it, nor did I ever felt like he was trying to take advantage of me or anything. I was at first quite "shocked" I could say about the situation and I remember I was asking dummy questions like some kid who didn't understand how something worked. He was open about everything and we just talked it so casually as if it was a simple dinner conversation.
Yes I guess I liked this, that everything was so easy with him. I miss that feeling so much.
I think now, if I had a boyfriend to sleep with some other girl, I would be just as hurt as knowing he was watching some porn. And I know this is because of him. I would consider cheating only if he actually felt more than a physical tension needing to be relieved.
But I am wondering if maybe I became this twisted person with weird ideas about cheating and marriage... because of him. And I am wondering how I got to this age still not being able to figure these things out.
And yes, for the moment I can't picture myself in a marriage or with children. Because I just can't see myself finding again that confidence.
Hahaha I often wonder if this is going on with me now.
Since I fell for someone when I was 17, no other guy has ever really appealed to me. I am not sad nor do I cry over him anymore, it was just a crush. When I actually sit down and think about actually being intimate with someone, it's pretty strange, foreign, and just seems unreal to me. Every time I tried to allow someone new into my life as a romantic interest, they just end up getting on my nerves lol. Since I have always been by myself and never really had much of a bond with anyone.
I think in your case it's just a matter of coming across another person who makes you feel that way. You just have to be open to it. I know how it feels to not want to think of anyone else in that way because it takes an effort and most of the time it doesn't even work. I have tried making myself feel something for a few guys that have come into my life but I just can't. I feel nothing, and it's just awkward. I think you will love again but it will just take a while before your hot is ready and finds someone worthy of giving a shot.
Yes, I have been told this more than once, that I have an idealized image of him. I did think about it a lot, trying to figure out if it really was true and if it how, how much of it was true. I guess it's true that not actually being with him means I never got to know "everything". But it's not all about this. There were many things we had in common, tastes, attitudine regarding this and that.
I'm pretty sure both are true -- he is an awesome person you have a lot in common with and you have an idealised view of him. It's not either/or .
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I just genuinely felt very good around him and very comfortable... because when there are many things in common you don't feel the pressure of trying to be or seem something else other than what you are. I sincerely never had that before, although I also suppose when you are young you have these kind of troubled relationships with many frustrations and whatnot.
That can be a profound experience, the first time you have someone you can be your whole self with. You will have dozens, maybe hundred or thousands, of people like that in your life.
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So it was just another reason to see him more "human" with all his flaws... even this one.
That's the nature of love. Even the worst flaws seem like they have a good side.
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And because it's not like he was trying to hide it, nor did I ever felt like he was trying to take advantage of me or anything. I was at first quite "shocked" I could say about the situation and I remember I was asking dummy questions like some kid who didn't understand how something worked. He was open about everything and we just talked it so casually as if it was a simple dinner conversation.
Is he older than you? Has he cheated before?
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I think now, if I had a boyfriend to sleep with some other girl, I would be just as hurt as knowing he was watching some porn. And I know this is because of him. I would consider cheating only if he actually felt more than a physical tension needing to be relieved. But I am wondering if maybe I became this twisted person with weird ideas about cheating and marriage... because of him. And I am wondering how I got to this age still not being able to figure these things out.
Well, there are people who have extremely ethical, and emotionally healthy, open relationships. That's an option for you if you want it in the future.
But, for the next few years, it might not be a good idea for you.
And you are a perfectly normal age to be working this stuff out for yourself .
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And yes, for the moment I can't picture myself in a marriage or with children. Because I just can't see myself finding again that confidence.
Well, Nila, your words make me feel, somehow, a lot better. Lately, i guess because of that dream, I am just feeling a lot worse and seeing things in black. Usually whenever I tried to open up about it, friends were kind of trying to convince me that he was a horrible person. And I could never agree to this extreme. He was 7 years older than me. And was married for about 3 years. From what I know, he hadnt cheated before. And I just have the feeling that he wasn't the kind to cheat, unless successfully lying to himself that "that's not cheating". And also, he wasn't unhappy in his marriage, his wife was very cool and all (that hurts saying but well).
@Auraliea
I know what you're saying. I have some very old friends who all their lives have had somwhere around 10 serious relationships every year, for the past 15 years or so. I laugh because there is no way I would consider that serious relationship. But guess what, every time this friend of mine is head over heels, in love and happy. I can't imagine how she's doing it. Because people always made me feel tired, I always had longer relationships and always needed a lot of time to recover. But the only difference now is that it's been 6 years that I feel I lost and at the same time I'm happy I got to experience these things. I'm just starting to feel lifeless, I am truly a "love" person, I've always been and I don't want that to change. Love is what keeps me going. And now it refuses to come around, and instead I just feel miserable from time to time when I remember :/
The power of fantasizing. It was never meant to be, because if it was, he would be with you now, but you already know that.
Sometimes, the heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows. In you're case, its taking longer than usual, but you'll get there.
Don't let him rent anymore space in your mind. You still have a lot of life to live, and a lot more people to love
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