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First off I have been happy married for 21 years; my wife is the love of my life, I am 43 she is 42. When we started dating 23 years ago she said she was single. Just found out she was but had a sex buddy for about a year and she was still sleeping with him while I was courting her and she said she still slept with him for about a month after we had sex. She even had sex with us on back to back days. I know it was a long time ago but it does hurt knowing I took her on dates but the other guy got the sex. And it does discuss me knowing I got sloppy seconds.
First off I have been happy married for 21 years; my wife is the love of my life, I am 43 she is 42. When we started dating 23 years ago she said she was single. Just found out she was but had a sex buddy for about a year and she was still sleeping with him while I was courting her and she said she still slept with him for about a month after we had sex. She even had sex with us on back to back days. I know it was a long time ago but it does hurt knowing I took her on dates but the other guy got the sex. And it does discuss me knowing I got sloppy seconds.
How would you feel about this?
I'd be irritated, but is it worth trashing 21 years over (assuming she's been faithful since that time)?
First off I have been happy married for 21 years; my wife is the love of my life, I am 43 she is 42. When we started dating 23 years ago she said she was single. Just found out she was but had a sex buddy for about a year and she was still sleeping with him while I was courting her and she said she still slept with him for about a month after we had sex. She even had sex with us on back to back days. I know it was a long time ago but it does hurt knowing I took her on dates but the other guy got the sex. And it does discuss me knowing I got sloppy seconds.
I'd be irritated, but is it worth trashing 21 years over (assuming she's been faithful since that time)?
She has been faithful. We are best friend. I am not going anywhere just shocked. Before I dated her I was in a very serious relationship for 4 years. We broke up because she cheated on me with my best friend.
So a 21-year-old young woman had two sexual partners at once for a brief period of time two decades ago. You don't mention whether you had said you would be exclusive or not before you started sleeping together, so I suspect either you don't remember or you never did agree on exclusivity.
I'm going to guess you assumed exclusivity. She was not in a committed relationship, so it was perfectly reasonable for her to say she was single. You wanted a committed relationship and so you focused on her. She wasn't sure about you and held off a little longer.
Obviously, if you're posting about this online, you're upset about it. Otherwise, you'd just shrug it off and move on with life. But you have to admit, the younger you was a bit silly to be assuming you were on exactly the same page without actually discussing it frankly.
Now, if you DID discuss and agree to exclusivity and she was still sleeping with this other guy, well then you gotta decide whether you want to be angry at a 21-year-old woman who grew into the mature woman who is now your wife and the other half of your presumably happy marriage. Because I dunno about you, but I'm 38 and the person I am today is virtually unrecognizable compared to the 21-year-old me.
You may want to consider what it is in your personality that is causing you to dwell on this now. You're kind of typical mid-life crisis age right now - that's just an observation, but consider whether you might be working up to using your wife's long-ago whatever as an excuse for doing something you would normally not be able to justify to yourself. Are you looking for a reason to be unhappy?
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